I Love Books about Missions

Ever since I've had access to money as a kid, I have loved books about missionaries.  Yesterday at Missionfest I bought a ton of them and am looking forward to reading them over the coming year.

Miracle in the Forgotten Land: From the Killing Fields to New Life in Christ by Setan and Randa Lee with Terry Hill

Clay in the Potter's Hand by Dorothy Sun
--a third generation Christian in China when the Communists took over, she paid the price of staying loyal to Jesus and to her family.  Mrs. Sun and her husband were guests in our home many years ago and I found them inspiring.

The Man in the Fiery Furnace: The Compelling True Story of Freddie Sun
--While many in China were trying to flee from the Communists, Mr. Sun travelled back to China from the USA and was eventually imprisoned because of his faith.

The Little Ones by M. D. Meyer
--A novel about two foster parents and two little native girls "who have been damaged and wounded by abuse.  The author was foster sister to "hundreds of First Nations children."

Colin's Choice by M. D. Meyer
--Taking place in Canada's North, "Colin's Choice is a must to read as it gives insight and hope from God to the abused victim."  It won the Canadian Christian Writing Award of Merit.

Deep Waters by M. D. Meyer
--"Set in the fictional Ojibway community of Rabbit Lake, Deep Waters will transport you into Canada's far north for a compelling story of enduring love and sustaining faith."

Day by Day with the Persecuted Church: 365 Daily Readings compiled by Jan Pit.
--This book is going in my washroom because each story is short enough to read in one sitting.

Prayer Works by Brother Andrew (also known as "God's Smuggler")
--"Brother Andrew shows that prayer can--and does--change the world.  But above all, it can change you."

God's Smuggler to China by Brother David
--"This book will encourage you to ask the biggest things of God and to expect the biggest answers you've ever had through faith and prayer."

Unlock Your Hidden Prayer Power by Brother Andrew
--"Now you can release the power that makes Satan tremble!"

Never Say Die: The Story of David Yone Mo and the Myanmar Young Crusaders by Douglas Hsu
--The story of "the transformation of Burma's most reckless gangster into one of the country's most outstanding preachers and social workers.

Voices in the Wilderness: 100 Snippets of Courage and Faith from Around the World edited by Doublas C. Hsu
--The stories are of "God's servants who are taking the gospel to the unreached in the uttermost ends of the earth.  Because they live and serve in remote places far from the ye of the media, their voices often go unheard."

She Has Done a Beautiful Thing for Me: Portraits of Christian Women in Asia by Anne C. Kwantes
--Winner of the Gintong Aklat Award in 2006 from the Book Development Association of the Philippines, it tells the stories of Christian Asian Women "throughout the centuries who...have done beautiful things for their Saviour."

Secret Believers: What Happens When Muslims Believe in Christ by Brother Andrew and Al Janssen
--"the riveting true story of the church in Islamic countries struggling to come to grips with hostile governments, terrorist acts, and an influx of Muslims coming to Christ."

Forgotten Factors of Sexual Sin: An aid to Deeper Repentance by Roy Hession

Spiritual Revolution: the Story of OM by Ian Randall
--"Beginning with Goerge Verwer's conversion as a teenager in New York City, the story traces God's faithfulness from the first outreach in Mexico City to OM [Operation Mobilisation) becoming one of the world's largest mission agencies."

The Church is Bigger Than You Think: The Unfinished Work of World Evangelisation by Patrick Johnstone
--A companion to Operation World, it looks at the "historical development of the Christian Mission before launching into a practical discussion of the structures and strategies needed."

Forgiveness in the Face of Terror by John and Eloise Bergen
--At Missionfest this year, this couple told their story of being brutalised and left for dead four months after arriving in Kenya, where they expected to live out their remaining days.  An amazing story.

Woman to Woman: Sharing Jesus with a Muslim Friend by Joy Loewen
--Loewen has spent thirty years reaching out to Muslim women.  "Sharing powerful stories from her own experience, she shows you how to develop authentic connections with these often-overlooked women."

Why Israel? Understanding Israel, the Church, and the Nations in the Last Days by Willem J. J. Glashouwer
--The book "gives a clear picture of the Middle East, as well as why and how to pray for Israel."

Mini-Skirts, Mothers and Muslims: Modelling Spiritual Values in Muslim Culture by Christine Mallouhi
--The cover grabbed my attention--rows and rows of women covered head to toe in black and one woman in the midst of them in a short-sleeved, short-hemmed dress.  The woman at the table where I bought it said it has a lot of humour in it.

Through Her Eyes: Perspectives on Life from Christian Women Serving in the Muslim World by Marti Smith
--"...an honest and insightful look at the challenges of being a [Western] woman in [Muslim] missions, providing much-needed encouragement from those who have stepped out in faith and found that god is indeed enough to meet all their needs."

I Dared to Call Him Father: The Miraculous Story of a Muslim Woman's Encounter with God by Bilquis Sheikh
--"Her entire life turned upside down as a series of strange dreams launched her on a quest that would forever consume her heart, mind and soul."

Imprisoned in Iran: Love's Victory over Fear by Dan Baumann
--"An ordinary American...was wrongly accused of espionage and thrown into the most infamous high-security prison in Iran.  In that unlikely place, under the threat of execution and in the midst of despair, Dan witnessed the powerful triumph of God's love over fear."

John Sung: A Biography by Leslie T. Lyall
--Born in China, dying before the Communist take-over, Dr. Sung and his ministry converted tens of thousands, brought revival to churches and challenged thousands of Christians in their commitment to Christ.

Jonathan in the Middle Kingdom edited by M. E. Tewksbury
--This grabbed my attention because my nephew Jonathan just returned after living seven years in China.  God gave the Jonathan of this book a dream about setting prisoners free that taught him about God's wisdom, God's humility and the importance of doing God's will "cheerfully and with great anticipation."

China: The Reluctant Exodus by Phyllis Thompson
--"The story of the withdrawal of the China Inland Mission [founded by Hudson Taylor] from China."

China's Christian Millions by Tony Lambert
--"This book is an amazing eye-opener.  There is no better introduction to the extraordinary vitality and dynamic growth of the church in China."

Radical Discipleship by Roger Steer
--"...a collection of real life instances from [Hudson] Taylor's remarkable life, with each one teaching, by example, the true meaning of radical discipleship."

Night of a Million Miracles: The Inside Story of Project Pearl by Paul Estabrooks
--"Using a tugboat and a specially-designed barge, twenty men clandestinely deliver one million Chinese Bibles--232 tons--in one night to thousands of Chinese Christians waiting on a beach in southern China.  But the untold story is the million miracles that occurred in getting to that night of delivery."

Faith that Endures: The Essential Guide to the Persecuted Church by Ronald Boyd-MacMillan
--"Through true stories from the author's many years of work supporting the persecuted church, you will see how God is building His kingdom all around the world.  and as you become more connected to the experiences of the persecuted, you will discover new spiritual truths that will transform your own faith and witness."

Point me to the Skies: The Amazing Story of Joan Wales by Ronald Clements
--She had spent years trying to get to China, certain that's where God wanted her, but now that she had reached her destination and her work was progressing well, she was being told to leave.  Sixty years later, "her remarkable story shows us that there are some lessons we can only learn with hindsight."

Infidel by Ted Dekker
--It's the second in "The Lost Books" series and I don't have the first but I love Ted Dekker and the price was a bargain.

Skin by Ted Dekker
--"...compelling, thought-provoking fiction that is wildly out-of-the-box, speculative, boundary-breaking...regales readers with a tale of horror, suspense, and mind-bending reality."

Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality by Donald Miller
--"Don Miller has achieved what every Christian writer toils and types for: spiritual relevancy.  He has completely revealed himself in his latest effort.  Laced with off-guard humor, biting insights, and to-the-point summaries, Blue Like Jazz is a thought-provoking journey toward a God who is not only real but reachable."

Tiny Dancer: The Incredible True Story of a Young Burn Victim's Journey from Afghanistan by Anthony Flacco.
--The girl "fell into a kerosene fire while heating water for a bath....her father...exhaustively sought help to save his child.  When an American Green Beret soldier by chance sees Zubaida...on the street...he decides he must get involved."

The Energy Continues!

For the fourth day in a row, I have energy.  I have gone walking each one of those days and have managed to do some cleaning.  It feels so good to feel motivated to do things and be able to do them.  It's been months since I have, long before Mikael died.

Is the knee brace what's making the difference?  Tuesday was such a low day.  I wasn't sure I'd ever get out of the exhaustion and listlessness I had been feeling.  Wednesday I got my brace and everything changed.  I can move around without pain!  Is that all I needed, pain relief and mobility assistance?

It snowed all through the night and there have been no ploughs through the neighbourhood--it's still snowing--so walking was a bit more difficult this time.  Wading through three to four-inch snow will do that to you but I was able to do it.  It's beautiful outside.  The weather is warm, so the snow is damp and sticky.  Because there is no wind, the trees and bushes are laden with thick snow.  I wanted to take pictures but I haven't figured out how to do that yet with my phone.  Besides, I didn't want to damage the phone by getting it wet with snow.

God is good.  Even if this energy, both mental and physical, doesn't last, it's been a wonderful gift and gives me hope that I won't spend the rest of my life in exhaustion.

Thank you, God!

Energy

Despite all my activity yesterday, I couldn't get to sleep last night!  Maybe all I did energized me instead of exhausting me like I expected, but I couldn't sleep till 7:30 this morning.  When I got up, I still felt energized.  I couldn't believe it!  So, with my brace on, I went for a walk around the block.  My knee did not hurt!  My unused muscles weren't too happy with me but my knee was fine.  I'm so pleased!  And although I am feeling tiredness come over me, I feel motivated to tidy up some of my messes.  Two good days in a row?  Very nice.  Maybe my exhaustion the last week and a half hasn't been grief as much as recovering from Konrad's wedding and the trip home from Vancouver.  Regardless, God is definitely answering the prayers of all of you.  Thank you for praying.

Today Was a Good Day

I want to thank all those who sent me notes and comments and all of you who prayed and have been praying for me (and the family).  Today was a much better day than yesterday.  For one, I managed to sleep at night, so when I had to get up for my doctor's appointment, I had had enough sleep that I could without too much of a fight.

I even dressed up nicely, wearing a business-style grey skirt with a black sweater covered with sequins on the yoke.  I have to wear a brace for my knee now, but I have been having problems so I've needed to go back to the store for help.  Since I would be out already, I figured today would be a good day.  Wearing a skirt would make it easier to work with the brace on my leg at the store.  Basically, I needed more information because, being unclear about how the brace works, I wasn't sure whether I should be sitting or standing putting it on.  It was sliding down; how do I prevent that and so on.  They were most helpful and I think I'm good to go now.

The idea of the brace (one of those hinged kinds) is that, over time of using it, it will separate the bones that are currently rubbing against each other with no cartilage between them.  I am looking forward to go for walks again.  I used to go for near-daily, hour-long walks and really miss them.  I've been told that the brace will enable me to do that again.  Yay!

I had a couple of other errands that I needed to run but, in the midst of them, I had the spontaneous idea of stopping at a favourite bakery café I was driving past.  It's got only a few small tables and is often crammed with people, but today there was an empty one for me and, wouldn't you know it, I discovered an electrical outlet right by my chair.  I had my computer with me and so I sat for a couple of hours writing and enjoying being out of the house and alone.

Today was the second time since returning from Vancouver, that I've been out of the house and the first time was just to see the doctor and get my brace.  I'm so glad I had the energy and ability to do more while I was out.

Then tonight was the first night of a house group from church that I've been waiting for since September.  I was sure I wouldn't be able to make it because I've been very exhausted but amazingly I did!  I'm glad because the evening was wonderful.  It's going to be a good group--especially if they serve schmoo torte every week (I know, not going to happen).

So, thank you everyone for praying for me.  I know the exhaustion is going to be around for a while--it seems to be the way my body and mind are choosing to grieve, rather than with sadness and despair--but it's nice to have a break from that.  Maybe I can make it to church on Sunday too.  That would be awesome.

Blessings on you all.

Not Doing Well

I'm not doing well.  Has the grief finally hit?  Perhaps.  I'm doing nothing much other than sleeping, I have no energy and I haven't been out of the house since returning from Vancouver except to see the doctor once.  I would appreciate your prayers.  Thank you.

Bestman's Speech for Konrad's Wedding

By Konrad's brother and Groomsman, Erik



I first met Konrad when he was expelled from the womb.
Bena came a bit later when she first visited that city of Konrad's expulsion.

An accurate way to describe Konrad is "in his own world".
But what is "his own world", exactly?
What is Konrad?
We just don't know.

One can certainly speculate.
To me, Konrad can be summed up in 4 words: art, music, Bena, and God. Probably in the opposite order. (Mikael, Konrad's older brother and Best Man, would probably add "confused" to that list.) Konrad began life engaging in activities such as eating butter, [melting crayons on the toaster oven and Easter eggs on his bedroom lamp], and running away from home naked into busy streets. One day years later he would come home late from work at the Saucers cafe down the street and proclaim proudly to me the degree of his drunkenness -- not that this would be something he would ever or often repeat, Bena. If anything, aside from absent-minded, Konrad's personality can be described as moral and level-headed.

Konrad and I grew up with a lot of similar hobbies like hacky sack, X-Men action figures, video games, and bubble tea. But the common interest between us that has stuck the strongest and longest is that of drawing pictures. When we were little we would make up our own superheroes, which were basically just Superman and Spider-Man with worse names, costumes, and super powers. We drew comics and hundreds of different characters in the exact same not-so-heroic pose. Eventually we developed our individual styles and found that in drawing we could express through pictures what isn't so easily or creatively expressed through words. We often would collaboratively ad-lib short stories in picture form, and our own personalities and expressive tendencies would come out through our respective drawing styles. Konrad continues to express himself through art. He has created a cartooned diary-esque vision of his life and the people he loves by assigning them animal-like personas and depicting them in various real-life scenarios. Konrad is a mushroom. Bena is a hamster. Mikael is a dog. I am a cow. I'm sure he has reasons for all of these. He'd better. Konrad took a few introductory Fine Art classes at U of M during the course of his Arts degree. He covered his bedroom walls in ambiguous coloured-pencil drawings of his own superhero characters when he was younger -- images that Mons must currently endure on a daily basis. Just what exactly is the ninja elephant wearing on her shoulders? He painted a mural on the cafeteria wall of our old highschool, Westgate, which he did finish... eventually. And as of late he has been working at De Serres art store in downtown Vancouver with his friend Lucy, with whom he organizes craft sales for the public. Art has been a constant in Konrad's life which has certainly helped in the way that I relate to and understand him. But, Bena, if you're decorating the walls, don't let loose the scribbling madness of your new husband.
You've been warned.

Anyone who knows Konrad knows that music is his passion. Whether he is singing and playing keyboard to U2 and Coldplay covers with Bena's enchanting vocals, or inventing, arranging, and writing lyrics for his own beautiful and catchy compositions, music has taken his life on inspiring and otherwise less-likely adventures. Konrad is self-taught at playing the piano and meagerly began tinkering around with one-handed renditions of the theme songs from X-Men and Flight of Dragons. From there he started following in his big brother Mons' footsteps by composing MIDI tracks with a computer keyboard, and later submitting his compositions to an online music competition on "TOS BBS". On this website he connected with the programmers and designers of a computer game contributing to the game's soundtrack, though the company fell apart before completion was achieved. Only a few years ago, back in Winnipeg, Konrad joined a Christian rock band for a time, called That Place, performing around the city and gaining credibility and experience as a musician. Music began and continues to be a significant aspect of the union of Konrad and Bena. It was listening to music together -- shared on an ipod -- for the first week of their meeting that served as the appetizer to their love. Half a decade later, the main course has just been prepared as they now journey forth not only as a single musical entity, but as a single life -- a single talent. A favourite illustrator of mine once said, "Music is everything!" Even a master of the visual arts recognizes the incomparable soul of music. That it is their greatest common interest speaks volumes (pun!) about the magic that together they have the potential to sow and that which they've already sown. Their musical skillzors are a real gift and blessing not only to themselves in being able to create and communicate such emotion and personality in a universal language, but to others in the joy that it brings to experience the magic they weave.

Konrad may have a degree in Asian Studies, but the only Asian he was ever really interested in studying was Bena.
Bena, better known as "Baby", is the Malaysian brains of the operation. While Konrad is, and I quote, "The least organized person in the universe", Bena is the ring master that keeps him in check and reminds him where he left his keys, shoes, jacket, and his head. Konrad and Bena are wonderful, beautiful, and talented individuals, whose brilliance is only magnified in the unity of their togetherness. Where one falters, the other fills the gap. They keep each other in line constructively and spiritually, which really radiates their faith and love of God.

I know that to both Konrad and Bena, God is the focus of life. Just two nights ago Konrad and I unregrettably stayed up until 5 AM talking about life, philosophy, and religion. This was likely the closest and most transparently we've ever communicated and it really opened to me the vigor with which he follows his beliefs. This dedication that they both possess is admirable in the least and is apparent in all aspects of their lives, and now their life together. Konrad may be always "in his own world" -- but now that you, Konrad and Bena, are joined in marriage, you may enjoy the adventure of creating your own world together and sharing in the wonder that is now no longer the "in his own world" of Konrad, but the "in your own world of Bena and Konrad". Your "Benrad", one might say.
Let your Benrad live long and prosper.
This is my blessing for you.




Published here with permission from Erik Chan

Travelling to Our Son's Wedding

I'm sorry I haven't written here more.  We--Tom, Mons, Erik, Erik's girlfriend and me--left on December 20 for our son/brother Konrad's wedding in Vancouver.  We drove, taking three days to get there.  I wanted to do most of the driving but I found myself unable to so Mons took over.  I'm a terrible passenger and that night, as Mons drove, the sky was blacker than ink, broken only by thick fog that covered the road.  I tried to distract myself with my computer--I'd bought an adapter so we could plug our computers into the power outlet of the van--but it wasn't enough to keep me from breathing in through my nose sharply when I got scared, alarming Mons in turn who thought I was seeing a danger he couldn't.

I took over the wheel again the next morning.  It had snowed all night and the accumulation was threatening to keep us in the small town of Glendive, Montana.  I wanted to get as far away from it as possible but the highway didn't make that easy.  It was so packed with snow that none of the painted lines showed through.  I followed the ruts and did a lot of praying.  At the end of four hours I was so exhausted I let Mons drive again and hid myself in the back cubbyhole of the car.

The cubbyhole was the seat closest to the passenger side in the back bench of the van.  The two seats beside it were piled high with luggage, sleeping bags and pillows.  Erik and Jenn were in the middle row and Tom was in the front beside Mons.  The cubbyhole was a good place for me because I couldn't see out the windows so easily and get scared.  It wasn't fair, however, that when Mons took over driving, the weather and roads were perfect.  Nevertheless, I enjoyed my time alone.

I did some crying for Mikael too, later in the day when I heard Tom snoring in the front seat.  Mikael's soft, rhythmic snoring was the last sound I heard from him before he died--dying within earshot and I didn't know it.  I haven't done enough crying for him so it was good to do so.  Maybe part of the reason I haven't really fallen apart yet is because I need to be strong for everyone else, but in that little hidey hole I could cry silently to my heart's content and no one would know.

When it got dark out, I wondered what I'd do to occupy myself.  Our adapter for the computers had died after just one day.  If it wasn't dark out, I could read.  Then I remembered my radio.  For months I saw the radio advertised first in Hammacher Schlemmer catalogues and then in Signals' and National Geographic's.  It's the coolest thing.  In addition to the ordinary ways of powering a radio, this one has a solar panel and, for when there's no sun, a crank.  Furthermore, it has a reading light perfect for the back of a car on a dark night. How useful!

We had good weather the third and last day of our trip to Vancouver and I took over the driving once we were out of the mountains and about to head into urban areas and the border crossing.  It was hard driving past Seattle, knowing all the people there I'd like to visit but not having the time to do so. Customs was quick and easy, however, unlike the warning we'd received--only a car or two in front of us.  That was a relief.  The boys helped Tom and I carry in all our luggage to the motel room and then took the van to Konrad's, where they would spend the next twelve days.

To be continued

To Konrad and Bena on your Wedding Day

This was supposed to have been posted January 2, at the time of their wedding.

Dear Konrad and Bena,

Your wedding is a wonderful event to celebrate.  We’re so happy for you.  Konrad, you made a good choice.

There will be hard times.  Don’t give up.  There will be difficulties adjusting to living with each other—be gracious.  You come from different cultures so there will be differences in your views of things—be patient with each other. You will fight—make up quickly.  You will irritate each other with minor things—accept each other’s quirks.

When in doubt, choose grace and mercy.  Give each other lots of affection.  Stay grounded in your faith together—make time for God together and alone. The traditions you want to have with your children—start them now.  Never be so busy you don’t have time for each other every day.  Talk!  Your love has just begun—keep growing and nurturing that love.

May God bless you as you honour him.  May you be joyful and at peace—with God, with each other and with your selves. 

We love you much.  Never give up!

Love,

Mom and Dad.

Third Friday of Advent--Anticipation of What?

The Bible readings in the Mosaic meditations for the Third Week of Advent show an interesting contrast and comparison: Zephaniah 3:14-20, Psalm 126, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24, Luke 3:7-20 and the following additional readings: John 16:5-15, Romans 8:18-25. (All quotes from the Bible below are taken from the NLT.)

Because God's people had turned their backs on him, thinking all the while that they were honouring him, God sent them into exile.  This was particularly onerous to them because their religious and social life centred around Jerusalem and the temple therein.  Three times a year the men of Judah were to travel to Jerusalem to celebrate the main feast days--days that reminded them of all God had done for them.  They couldn't do that in exile.  They couldn't offer sacrifices to God to atone for their sins and become spiritually cleansed without the temple.

Zephaniah talked about how God's people would be returned to Jerusalem.  Their troubles would be over, they would be filled with gladness, they would be able to once again enjoy the feast days and they would be completely restored.  It was a day they were hoping for and anticipating.

Psalm 126 jumps ahead to when those days were fulfilled.  It is a song the people sang as they travelled to Jerusalem for the feast days.  They had left Jerusalem for Babylon with tears but now they were returning with joy and singing.

In contrast to the tears and weeping God's people had in exile, Paul, in 1 Thessalonians tells us to be joyful regardless of circumstances because God keeps his promises--just as he kept the promise he gave through Zephaniah.

As the exiles in Babylon suffered in exile and longed for that better day of returning to Jerusalem, so we today suffer, waiting with anticipation to see the glory God will reveal to us and to see who God's children really are.  Even creation longs for that day.

God's people in the Old Testament got lazy.  They thought that because they were the children of Abraham, the children of the promise, they could live as they chose.

Many of us think the same way: "Because I've been saved, all is well and I'm going to heaven."

John the Baptist in Luke challenges that kind of thinking: “Do not think that you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father,' for I tell you that out of these stones, God can raise up children for Abraham.”  Prove that you have repented and turned from your sins!  It's not enough to say, "I've been saved."  If you don't "produce good fruit," if you don't live out your repentance and salvation, you won't be part of God's kingdom.  Jesus will divide people into two groups: wheat and chaff, valued and "useless," holy and common.  One he keeps; the other he tosses.

When I use the words "valued" and "useless," I'm comparing the wheat, which was valued by farmers because it provided sustenance, to chaff which was totally useless.  How does one become valuable to God?  In one sense, he values all of us.  He is not willing that any should perish.  And yet there is the chaff.  Wheat has substance, chaff does not and I believe that is true with our lives.  Do I have substance in my life or am I like chaff--looking like a grain of wheat but empty inside?

God wants us to be filled with the Holy Spirit and with fire.  These are the media with which John said Jesus would baptise.  The substance in the people who are wheat is God's presence.  Jesus said in John, "The world's sin is that it refuses to believe in me." As John the Baptist (and later James) said, it's not enough to say, "I've been saved."  If you don't live out your repentance and salvation, you won't be part of God's kingdom.

Paul W. Harrison (1883-1962) wrote, "Wherever God rules over the human heart as King, there is the kingdom of God established."

Does God rule over your heart?

Third Wednesday of Advent—Anticipation and Grief

Advent is a time of waiting—waiting in anticipation for the coming of our Saviour.  An advent song has been repeating in my mind--just a couple of lines:

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise.

It’s there when I wake up, it’s there as I drive; as I eat, as I go to sleep, it is always there.  But then, so is the Fount of all the blessings in my life. 

At my small group’s Christmas celebration last night, we passed a candle around the circle, each stating something we’re thankful for as we held the candle.   I spoke of how grateful I am for the church I am in and how I couldn’t have found a better church.

There are so many other things I could have expressed thanks for: I am safe in a warm house and warm clothes when the temperature plunges below -40, unlike the many homeless on our streets; I have a wonderful family; my marriage, which has been painful for most of its nearly 36 years, is becoming a source of joy; my sons are blessings to me in many ways—their love and gentleness, their “can-do” attitude, their incredible giftedness in music, art and other areas; I am surrounded by people who love me, online and in person; I could go on. 

I continue to be bewildered by my lack of grieving emotions.  Why am I so filled with joy 35 days after my son died?  Why haven’t I fallen apart?  Isn’t that what mothers are supposed to do when their children die?  I talked to my psychiatrist about that earlier today and she painted several possible scenarios:

Perhaps with the coming wedding of another son, I’ve suppressed or numbed the grief in order to function.  She doesn’t see me falling apart before that is over. 

One mother didn’t “fall apart” until the third anniversary of the death of her child.  I don’t want to wait that long though.  I would like to get it done and over with.  It’s hard to wait for the other shoe to drop, never knowing when the grief may hit. 

Another possibility is that I did all my grieving before Mikael died.  The year and a half before he took his life were tension-filled, never knowing from one day to the other whether he’d try to harm himself or how.  I remember being on constant vigil with my cell phone in case he would need me; coming home to blood streaked too generously across the kitchen door; sitting up with him through the night because he was afraid he’d hurt one of us; his joining me in my prayer room because he needed to be with me; his emotionally flat face and silent sitting, unoccupied, on the living room couch; the increasing darkness of his appearance; the sobs that wracked my body as others gathered around me to pray for my son.  I remember the pain of those months.  There is a sense of relief that I don’t have to live like that anymore.  Mikael is out of pain.  The fearful anticipation of him doing the unthinkable is over.

I am reminded of a story in the Bible.  David saw Bathsheba bathing on her roof, sent a servant to bring her to him and conceived a child with her.  God was angry, not only that David had taken someone else’s wife, but that he killed her husband to cover his sin.  In consequence, God was going to take the life of this child.  “David pleaded with God for the child.  He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground....he would not eat any food with [the elders of his household].”

When the child died, the servants were afraid to tell him.  “He may do something desperate.”  But David could tell something had happened and asked the servants about the child.  Yes, he had died.  What was David’s response?  He “got up from the ground.  After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshipped.  Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.”

The servants were astonished.  “Why are you acting this way?  While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept.  I thought, ‘Who knows?  The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast?  Can I bring him back again?  I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Is this the place where I am in regard to Mikael?  I don’t know.  It would be cool to think I won’t fall apart with grief but there is no way of knowing that.  Someone last night likened grief to a tangled ball of yarn.  You never know what will happen when you pull a part of it—will the yarn come out smoothly or will pulling on it create a more difficult knot that seems impossible to unravel?

“Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy praise.”

Jesus is the Fountain of all the blessings in my life.  He is using these blessings and the difficulties to tune my heart to him so that, as I described in my book, together we can resonate like the two arms of a tuning fork.

Come, Lord Jesus!  Come!