Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Insecurity, Not Good Enough, Loneliness

Loneliness. Is that what is behind my need for comfort? My reaching out to certain kinds of foods (ice cream and things with whipped cream)? My spending time in coffee shops and restaurants even though I’m there by myself? (Or, in the past, my reaching for illicit romance and sex?) When I’m at The Forks or at a restaurant or even walking in pedestrian-busy places, I am with people without having to interact. At camp last week I wanted to interact but the best I could do was sit in a somewhat public place with the hopes that others would approach me for conversation.

As Dr. G and I were talking about ice cream and restaurants I began to cry. I cried a lot. That’s when she suggested that loneliness was behind my draw to them. I thought of my dad. He too liked fine things and sought them even though he couldn’t afford them, even though it meant his family did without basic necessities. Did he have the same loneliness? The same need for comfort?

For me it represents freedom; that I’m in control. I can choose where I go and what I do. I can surround myself with beauty. Is it a way of persuading myself that I am good enough? As Dr. G and I were talking about two people I would like to get to know better, “not good enough” is what I was thinking. I’m not good enough for beautiful people. There are many people I avoid because I don’t feel good enough for them—people with great beauty or poise or well put together or fashionable or in good shape or in power or in charge or important or all sorts of other things. My head can acknowledge that I am good enough but everything else in me is totally unconvinced, and I act accordingly.

So what do I do? What is the answer? How does an insecure person begin to truly feel secure? Certainly it is a process. My doctor says that acknowledgement is an important first step and she refuses to give me any answers or tell me what the next steps are. She just asks me more questions to get me thinking so that I find the answers myself. It’s probably the best way but certainly frustrating. I also know that ultimately, God is the answer. But somehow that seems to be an overworked statement and I think I get impatient with God’s timing. I want complete healing now!

Lord, the only security I have is in you—not in myself, not in others. Both myself and others are imperfect. You are not. Is my insecurity a lack of faith in you? You have done so much in my life already, God, and yet I still feel like a mess. I tell others that the solution to their problems, whatever they are, is to focus on you. You are the answer. You are the changer. You are the one who can do what I cannot. Help me, Lord! Change me! Heal me! Keep my eyes and my ears on you. Help me to hear what you tell me and to act on what I hear. Thank you for your love, your compassion, your grace and mercy, your incomprehensible presence. Thank you for being you.


Samantha said...

Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. As you know, I've felt some of the feelings you describe, and of course, God is the answer. But he brings us to him little by little step by step--we are children, after all. I have no doubt that when you are ready for the next step he will be at your side to help you along the way.

I wish you well in your journey, and hope that your book touches the hearts of many people.

Di said...

Wow, I feel the same way, just haven't really dealt with it in a while. Thank you for blessing me (ONCE AGAIN!!!!!) with your prayer. I will be borrowing it.


Debbie Haughland Chan said...

Thank you, Samantha. Yes, you've struggled with a lot of things. But God is good, isn't he?

Di, you're welcome. I love you too and often pray for you. Seems that our blogs are the only place I see you these days and I'm behind in reading all the blogs I'm subscribed to--and will get further behind because I'm going away this weekend with no internet access.

Debbie Haughland Chan said...

Oh! And both of you--it's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks for your comments.