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She stands between past and future. Will the past repeat? She prays not.

Three watch in a huddle. "She's in a painful place."

"We will show her truth."

"Look! She's a child, running up the back steps with glee. She's had a good day."

"Yes, she has, but that will change as she opens the door."

The child stops, one step inside. Her mother sobs on the couch with a friend.

Without a word, she knows. Her father died.

"How could she know that? He didn't live with them, he wasn't sick and there was nothing wrong."

"I told her."

"Her spirit is heavy."

"She believes she must now care for her mother."

"She's too small! It's not right! She can't do that!"

"It's time to show her."

She who stands between past and present watches the child. "Where were you, God?"

"I was with you, Child. Look closely."

"I see the faint outline of your invisible form behind me, your arms wrapped behind me."

"Do you hear what I am whispering in your ear?"

"You want me to be me."


"Who is 'me'? Who was I then? Who am I now?"


She who stands between past and future watches as the One Without Form pulls the child deep into his embrace until all of her is envelopped by all of him, arm for arm, leg for leg.

"You are who I made you to be. You are in me, hidden in my presence. I am your Protector, your Shield, your Fortress."

"I used to hide a lot. Sometimes I still do."

"I have been with you in all the scary places."

"I've always thought I'm no good."

"You wanted to be perfect. There is only One who is."

The scene shifts. She who stands sees through a garage roof.

"That's my father lying on the floor!"


"He's so helpless, so dead!"


"He was supposed to protect me. He couldn't even protect himself."

"It's okay to cry. I keep every tear."

She who stands between past and future gazes at the figure, still and dead on the floor, and mourns. She looks at the child in the doorway, ensheathed by the One Who Has No Form, and understands. She cannot make it right--not for father, not for sister, not for son--but she has never been alone.

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Di said…
Oh, sweetie, that gave me chills!! It's beautiful to me.
Thanks. Did you read the two others like it? If not, hit the "story" link at the bottom.

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About the Author


I'm married (35 years in December 2008) with four grown sons. I love my city (Winnipeg) and my country (Canada) and promote them both to whoever will listen. God (through Jesus Christ) is the biggest part of my life. I am learning to let him take control of all areas--though I do better at this some times more than others.

I have written a book that's recently been published about part of my journey with God. In it I tell how God confronted me with the same-sex attraction issues I've struggled with all my adult life and how he led me through them to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with him. God is amazing—his forgiveness, his love, his movement in our lives when we allow him and so much more. I suspect God will never run out of things to teach me or ways to make me grow and that’s a good thing (though often very painful).

I suppose I can say that what gives me the greatest pleasure in life is telling others about…

Memories of Mikael Vincent Tien Doe Chan

Reviews of Searching for Love

If you have read the book, I would love to hear your thoughts on it. You may e-mail me at or post them in the comments section below.

A Real Testimony
I finished your book. A real testimony to what God does for us.
Leona March 3, 2009
I Had Tears Coming

I sat down to read it about a week later and ended up finishing it the same night. At first I admit I was a little bored and thought that the whole book was about a battle all in your mind, but as I continued reading this creeping thought came over me of a different...struggle in my own life, that I would never in my right mind have shared with anyone accept maybe God. I've mentioned your book to a few people because it stirs up age-old controversies that I have myself argued and wondered about, namely about whether or not homosexuality can be cured or just managed like alcoholism--you just have to stay away from temptation. I noticed at the end of your book that your struggle story …