Outward Appearance

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 NIV

Today I read a blog post called Fat Haters. The author, Lyn, tells the story of how she had just lost a very wanted baby through miscarriage. Life has to go on at these times and, in her emotional agony, she went to the video store where her son put some late videos in the drop bin and returned to the car. A woman came out of the store and started yelling at her, thinking she was trying to avoid late fees, and told her to never return to the store. Lyn writes:

I want to emphasize that you NEVER KNOW what someone else is going through, or has gone through. You don't know if the person in the grocery store seems grouchy because her husband passed away last week. You don't know if someone is thoughtless because they just had cancer treatments. You don't know if someone's actions are because they just lost a child. And you don't know if that fat person is losing weight, gaining weight, has a medical problem, or is eating for comfort because their mother is dying. Try to refrain from judgements. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing wrong with being kind.

So true! We so quickly condemn people who look or are living in ways we think are wrong but we don't know the person's heart or their story.

Father, I confess that I have made conclusions about people without knowing their hearts and stories. I've put people some people on pedestals because of how they look and act or because of their position and others I've thought ill of for the same reasons. Forgive me, Lord, and help me to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Gift of God

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 NIV

Oswald Chambers points out that it is the gift of God, not the gift from God*. I’d never thought of that before. Is the gift God himself? Compare with the following verses (emphases mine):

“...God’s...gift of righteousness....” Romans 5:17
“But each man has his own gift from God....” 1 Corinthians 7:7
“If I have the gift of prophecy....” 1 Corinthians 13:2
“...by the gift of God’s grace....” Ephesians 3:7
“...fan into flame the gift of God....” 2 Timothy 1:6

Gifts of righteousness, prophecy and God’s grace means we’ve been given righteousness, prophecy and God’s grace. Would not “gift of God” mean we’ve been given God himself? If so, what does this mean? What am I doing with this Gift?

Are you the gift, God? You gave your one and only Son. The gift isn’t eternal life as I’ve always thought. That’s merely the outcome. You are the gift! You have given yourself to me and to all mankind—some of us accept the gift of you and some of us spurn it. Father, I want the whole gift, please! I don’t want to miss a single bit of what you want to give me. The gift is huge! There is nothing bigger than you, greater than you, more wonderful than you, more loving, compassionate or powerful than you. You have given yourself. There is nothing more to give. Wow! Thank you, God! So be it.


*“Christian Disciplines, Volume 1” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, page 298.

Do Not Panic

And when you hear of wars and insurrections, don't panic. Yes, these things must come, but the end won't follow immediately." Luke 21:9 NLT

You never saw anybody in a panic who did not grab for themselves, whether it was sugar or butter or nations. –Oswald Chambers*

The clearest evidence that God’s grace is at work in our hearts is that we do not get into panics. –Oswald Chambers*

Panic. Chambers wrote these words in 1914. World War I had just begun and, understandably, Britain was frightened, terrified, scared, alarmed and in panic. Each of these words are used in different translations of the verse above. Chambers chose the Moffat translation, which uses “scared,” but the word he focussed on was “panic,” even though the NLT wouldn’t be produced for another 82 years. Panic. Britain would lose, in WWI, more than twice the number of military personnel it would lose later in WWII—a good reason for panic, though in 1914 no one knew the outcome of the war.

“You never saw anybody in a panic who did not grab for themselves, whether it was sugar or butter or nations.” I smiled at this because I saw myself. I know he’s talking about trying to get as much of the rationed products as possible, but it spoke to me about my comfort-eating. In times of distress, I reach for food—ice cream, whipped cream, anything sweet and creamy—not much different from Britain households grabbing for sugar and butter. It was nice to hear him say I'm not alone.

I’ve never identified these times as ones of panic but the word seems to fit. At what am I panicking? That my world is, in some way, falling apart? Moving out of control? That reminds me of what God showed me the other day about control. Is it so important I hold my world together and stay in control that I panic when I can’t and reach for the closest comfort?

“The clearest evidence that God’s grace is at work in our hearts is that we do not get into panics.” If this is true, and I think it is, then somehow my over-eating or my wrong eating is an indication that in some ways at some times, I shut out God’s grace from my heart. Ouch! I’ve prided myself on the lack of panic in my responses to things but evidently I’ve not seen the whole picture—my wrong eating reveals the truth. The panic is there, regardless of what I call it.

God, how is it that I don’t trust you in all things? If I did, I wouldn’t turn to food for comfort and safety, but to you—in all situations—but I don’t. I tighten my control and feed my fear with food. Can I let go of control? Am I willing to let my world fall apart, sitting amidst the broken pieces with rest and confidence despite the chaos? How do I get there? A counsellor once told me to sit and groan in the pain. I’ve learned to do that in some areas but obviously not in all. Why not? Please show me and help me! I can’t do this without you. So be it.


*”Christian Disciplines, Volume 1” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, page 292.

Stepping Stone Oases

She sits in a small room, her eyes closed, hands open as she waits. Love, soaked into the walls, permeating the air, moves in and around her—a sponge absorbing the Presence. Years of prayer in this room tell.

Three huddle over the room. They too wait.

Can we show her?”

“Yes, but first she must feel the pain.”

“Isn’t that cruel?”

“It’s the only way she will understand.”

“I don’t know if I can watch.”

“We need her to harden as diamonds and soften as gold. Not all can take the heat and pressure but she can. She must.”

“Look! She’s screaming! Her sister is trapped under a car. They can’t get her out. Oh, whew! Finally! But the sister’s face is burned to the bone. Will she live?”

“Yes, but she will need a good surgeon for many years. The parents will spend much time and have great sorrow over this one.”

“And the one we watch?”

“She will feel abandoned, neglected, unwanted. She will choose to withdraw from others and walk alone.

“Alone? She’s just turned four!”

“Yes. She will hurt because of her choice, yet forget she made it.”

“And the pain?”

“Her mother will point her to us. We will provide oases.”

“Oases?”

“Yes. Places, people and times of safety and protection.”

“Good. She will need them.”

“They will be what she remembers.”

The child plays on carpet by the window. Alone. Her uncle’s home is safe. The first oasis.

She who sits in the room looks back. She sees stepping stones across turbulent waters. The child stands on the first. It is enough for now. She who sits understands. The pain has breaks, the danger safety, aloneness love. Light, filling the room, pours into her—a solar panel absorbing the Presence for later need.


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Control and Serving

I have a friend who is going through crisis. Last night as I went to bed, I cried because I'm scared for her. I also cried for myself because her crisis echoes what's been happening in my family the last five weeks (it seems so much longer). I can't handle both. It's too much. What if, in the midst of all this, I got seriously ill? What then? I lay with my tears and fears and asked God, "What am I afraid of?"

I'm afraid of my world falling apart. Does that mean I see myself holding everything together? Perhaps. I tried to go to earlier places where I felt or was afraid of things falling apart but I couldn’t get there in my emotions, just with my logic. I thought of my parents' break-up when I was eight. I can’t remember any emotion around the night we left or afterwards.

Have I been trying to hold things together since I was a child? Is that why I took on so many responsibilities as a young girl at home, trying to keep my world from spinning out of control?

I don’t think I try to control my boys, but it hit me that I do try to control Tom and my marriage (something others have tried to tell me and I've disbelieved). Why? Why the one and not the other? Regardless, I have sinned with my control. I am not the protector of the family, God is.

The accident that nearly took my sister's life and cooked half her face when she was two and I was four; is that when my world started to move out of control? Yet I remember my pre-school years as the most idyllic. Susan was my best friend and companion then. That changed when I started school and when we left my dad two-and-a-half years later, the friendship died as I took on the role of parent.

This morning in my prayer room I asked God, "What’s the truth you want me to know about my fear that everything will fall apart if I let go?"

He told me that if I let go, I will free Tom up to be the person God made him to be.

How do I let go?

By serving.

Say WHAT?

I have not served my husband. Instead, I have withdrawn into my own world and shut him out. I've been aware of this withdrawal and the many barriers I have built to keep us apart (the fact that I was the builder of those barriers was a recent insight) and have been asking God to help me tear them down. Is serving the answer?

To find what others have to say about this, I googled Jesus, Control, Serving and found my way to "Refusing control: Jesus’ three temptations." Near the end of his lenten sermon (which I highly recommend reading), Monte Asbury writes, Jesus "would choose serving over impressing, and he would choose loving individuals over public spectacles."

I think I've seen service--at least to my husband--as a weakness, a way of becoming subjugated and dominated, the road to becoming a nothing. (I haven't been so good in the loving-him department either.) Interesting, that, because the sermon on Sunday was about Christ serving us. We know Jesus washed the feet of his disciples--a great act of humility and service--but in a parable, Jesus implies that he will be serving us in heaven:

It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. (Luke 12: 37, NIV)

That's amazing! It's one thing for Jesus to serve out of his humanity on earth, but in heaven where he is fully God? Serve and wait on us? That service will come out of his power, dominion and majesty. If God in heaven can serve his people, surely I can find strength and courage to serve my own husband!

Lord, I have sinned by trying to control my world instead of trusting you to make all things good and safe. Have my efforts to control things been the cause of my years of fatigue? Have I been expending my energy trying to do your job? Is loving service the answer to control? That's what I seem to be hearing. Am I willing to give up the control I've tried to maintain all these years, perhaps from childhood? I want to be. I want to throw myself into the safety of your arms and rest there. I can't keep on doing what I have been. I need to change. Please help me! Help me begin a life of service and as I do, please dismantle the barriers I've built and take control. I can't do this my way any longer. So be it.

Set Apart

Sanctification. It is a word we do not use outside of a religious context. What does it mean? I often hear and see the word used to define the process of developing a godly character. Some authors speak as if sanctification is something that takes years to achieve and then only with the utmost vigilant attention to removing sin from their lives.

As I look at the Hebrew and Greek lexicons, I find the word, qadash in Hebrew (and its sister word qodesh, which means holy) and hagiasmos in Greek (hagiazo being the root) to mean the process of setting something apart. Objects used in the tabernacle were set apart for use only in the tabernacle. God is holy or set apart from all other gods—there are none like him. God set his people apart from all the other nations. They were to keep separate because God had a specific purpose for them.

Believers today are to be sanctified, set apart, but are we? How separate are we from the people around us? How separate is Christian “culture” from non-Christian? We seem to have forgotten that God expects nothing less from his people. Perhaps if we were more diligent about being separate we wouldn’t find it so hard to pure (another aspect of sanctification).

Lord, you have a reason for setting your people apart from all others. It’s because you are separate from all other gods. None compare to you. You have a unique place in the order of things for you and you alone are Creator and Saviour. Only you are worthy of worship. We are the called ones (Revelation 17:14), called and chosen to be set apart for you and your salvation. Father, I want to live as one set apart by you, distinguishable from others because I am separate and different with a purpose: I am yours. So be it.

Production of a Saint

A saint is a living epistle written by the finger of God, known and read of all men. A saint may be any man, any wastrel or vagabond, who discovering himself at Calvary, with the nature of sin uncloaked to him, lies in despair; then discerning Jesus Christ as the Substitute for sin and rising in the glamour of amazement, he cries out--"Jesus, I should be there." And to his astonished spirit, he receives justification from all his sinfulness by that wondrous Atonement. Then, standing in that great light, and placing his hands, as it were, over his Saviour's crucified hands, he feet over His crucified feet, he crucifies for ever his right to himself, and the [sin] baptises him with the Holy Ghost and fire, substituting in him a new principle of life, an identity of holiness with Himself, until he bears unmistakably a family likeness to Jesus Christ. --Oswald Chambers*

*"Christian Disiciplines, Volume 1" in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers page 291.

En Rapport

The soul of the sanctified saint is en rapport with God, he has no responsibility, he is 'without carefulness' because his Father cares, God's predestinations are that soul's voluntary choosings. --Oswald Chambers*

God, I want to be en rapport with you, to be so intimately connected with you that I have no worries. so connected with you that without even thinking, I choose your ways. But my soul still rebels at times; it wants its own way--a way different from yours. Lord, I don't want to break my will but rather to meld my will to yours so they are one. Is that something that's even possible, God?

...For as gold is tried by fire
So a heart must be tried by pain.

...And bless the cleansing fire
And the furnace of living pain!
--Adelaide Anne Proctor (quoted by Oswald Chambers)*

Father, if fire and pain are the only way to be en rapport with you, I choose them. So be it.



*"Christian Disciplines, Volume 1" in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers p. 284-287

A Confusing Contradiction

“By every standard we know, saving one, the God of the Bible is a confusing contradiction to Himself.” – Oswald Chambers*

A startling remark. Isn’t God the same yesterday, today and tomorrow? Yet the God who told Abraham to kill his son, later gave the command, “Thou shall not murder.” He told Hosea to marry a prostitute despite his law against adultery. When Jesus sent out the 70, he told them nothing would hurt them, yet later he warned his disciples that they would be killed. Paul advised the Corinthians to bear injustices brought against them but when he faced Festus, he appealed to Caesar.

What does Chambers consider the one standard by which God is not contradictory to himself?

...the standard of personal responsibility to God on the basis of personal character [where]...decisions are made on the basis of personal character in its responsibility to God. The blunder of the saint lies in saying, "Because I decide thus in this crisis, therefore that is the rule for all.’ Nonsense!

I find this a curious stance from someone who wrote a hundred years ago. In a day where people define truth by what seems best to them, many of us today cling to the concept of Absolute Truth. Is there such a thing or does the idea of Absolute Truth keep God in a box as dangerous as a theology that conforms to whatever a person desires?

Chamber writes:

As soon as the gates of the head are closed on our experiences we limit God, and by sealing our minds we limit our growth and the possibility of graduating in Divine guidance.

Have I sealed my mind? Am I thus limiting my growth? I have observed a great range of things that people claim to be experiences with God. Some have been very bizarre. I’ve also noticed a tendency amongst many Christians to rise in fear when they see or hear of unusual manifestations or practices that are claimed to be of God. “It is of the devil!” some declare. Is it truly? Because the same accusation was hurled at Jesus, it seems prudent to be cautious with such statements.

Chambers says:

If I allow that God teaches me to walk in His will, I shall allow my neighbour, whom I love as myself, the same certainty, although his way may seem so different.

Can I do this? Jesus warns us against wolves that masquerade as shepherds. If I “allow my neighbour...the same certainty,” how do I distinguish the difference?

Chambers quotes Professor W. James (American philosopher, psychologist and teacher who lived from 1842 to 1919):

...the problem how to discriminate between such messages and experiences...has always been a difficult one to solve, needing all the sagacity and experience of the best directors of conscience. In the end it had to come to our Imperialist Criterion. "By their fruits ye shall know them," not by their roots.... Our practice [what we do] is the only sure evidence, even to ourselves, that we are genuine Christians.

I remember when the “Toronto Blessing” began to be talked about. I was enormously skeptical. People falling down by the touch of God? It was a ludicrous thought to someone (me) who had been raised to believe that speaking in tongues was of the devil. I was curious, however, and searched diligently to learn all I could. Then one day a friend told me how she had gone, also curious but skeptical, to see this thing for herself. She spoke of the scorn she felt for those who were falling over, moved by the hysteria of the moment. And then she fell--touched by the hand of God, she said--and her doubt disappeared. While on the ground, she met God in a new and radical way.

I knew this woman. She and her husband were pillars in our non-charismatic church, solid people without a whiff of mystical nonsense. What she told me gave me reason to re-evaluate my stance on the matter but I still doubted. As I watched her in the subsequent weeks and months, however, I saw a dramatic change in who she was. She was walking with God in a way she never had before, with an intimacy unfamiliar to me. The fruit of her experience convinced me that she indeed had met God in this strange manner.

Does that mean that all who fall over do so because of the touch of God? No. There will always be those who mimic the real for reasons of their own and Satan is forever creating counterfeits. On the other hand, it is important that we do not limit God by our own experiences and theology or seal our minds against the unfamiliar and unknown—easy things to do because they feel safe.

Father, you are the God of the unexpected, the One who breaks all moulds I try to pour you into. You are the same yesterday, today and forever but who you are is beyond my comprehension, you are too big for me. You are too big for any box I may create for you with my doctrine and theology. The religious leaders of Jesus’ day knew the Scriptures intimately but too many missed recognizing you because of the theological boxes they had built. I don’t want to be like that, God. I want to be open to whatever you choose to tell me or show me. I want to keep my mind open to whatever possibilities you might bring my way. Help me to do this, Lord, and help me too, to realize that what you show others, you may not show me; that you walk with each of us in unique ways tailored to who you made us to be. Thank you, Father. So be it.



* All quotes from "Christian Disciplines, Volume I” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers. p. 269, 270.

Jesus and Glory

I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. John 17:4, 5 NIV

Several things stand out to me in this short passage. First, Jesus is saying that he has already completed the work God gave him to do. He is saying this before he is arrested and crucified. What work had he completed?

Secondly, by completing the work God gave him to do, Jesus brought God glory. It wasn’t through a lot of words and declarations that God was brought glory but by the (maybe not so) simple task of doing and finishing his assigned tasks and purpose. That means that when I am obedient to God and doing what he tells me to do, I too bring God glory. My obedience brings glory to God. Wow!

Thirdly, Jesus was given a job to do by God. I believe God has a job and a purpose for each of us as well. What is mine?

Fourthly, God bringing glory to Jesus seems to hinge on Jesus first bringing glory to God: “I have brought you glory...now...glorify me.” Does God want to glorify us or is this something only available to Jesus?

Fifthly, each brought (or would bring) glory to the other in the realm where they were operating. Jesus brought glory to God on earth and was asking God to bring glory to him in his presence. The glory is taken from one realm to the other.

Finally, and most significantly, Jesus states that he lived in glory with the Father before the world began. As a teenager on a mission to bring people to God, I happened to call on the home of some Jehovah’s Witnesses. In those days, I thought Christianity was mostly about right doctrine and so I returned to this home often to convince them that the doctrine I held was something they needed to embrace. They saw me as someone they needed to convince to embrace their doctrine. Sadly, they planted in my thoughts a seed of serious doubt regarding the divinity of Jesus. Ever since, I’ve been on the look-out for evidence that Jesus is God. This verse is one such piece of evidence. Before the creation of the world, Jesus was living in glory with the Father. It can’t get plainer than that!

Father, thank you for Jesus. Thank you for sending him here to earth to do your good purpose. Thank you for the glory he brought to you so that we could see you more clearly and thank you for the glory you brought to him because of his obedience. I too want to be obedient and thus bring you glory: “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Thank you that you trust me to bring you glory and praise by my obedience to you. Thank you for the glory you bring to all your people, including me.* Thank you for you. So be it.



*Romans 2:7, 10; 8:17, 18; 9:23; 2 Corinthians 3:18; 4:17; 2 Thessalonians 2:14; Hebrews 2:10.

Musical Prophesying

Last night, my reading of the Bible took me to the last chapters of 1 Chronicles. The following passage stood out to me:

David, together with the commanders of the army, set apart some of the sons of Asaph, Heman and Jeduthun for the ministry of prophesying, accompanied by harps, lyres and cymbals. ... The sons of Asaph were under the supervision of Asaph, who prophesied under the king's supervision. As for Jeduthun, from his sons...under the supervision of their father Jeduthun, who prophesied, using the harp in thanking and praising the Lord. As for Heman.... All these were sons of Heman the king's seer. They were given him through the promises of God to exalt him. ...All these men were under the supervision of their fathers for the music of the temple of the Lord, with cymbals, lyres and harps, for the ministry at the house of God. Asaph, Jeduthun and Heman were under the supervision of the king. Along with their relatives--all of them trained and skilled in music for the Lord--they numbered 288. Young and old alike, teacher as well as student, cast lots for their duties. 1 Chronicles 25:1-8 NIV

Asaph, Heman and Jeduthun were Levites. The tribe of Levi had been chosen by God to be the people who took care of the tabernacle (later the temple) and all that happened there. Who served in the temple wasn’t dependent on interest or abilities but simply by lineage. If you were a descendant of Levi, your primary occupation was related to the worship of God, each clan with its own role. If you were from another tribe, regardless of your talent, you were out of luck—there were no jobs for you in the spiritual life of the nation, not even the job of temple janitor. If your clan was designated as singers, you couldn’t be a doorkeeper.

The list of levitical jobs is interesting: gatekeepers; treasury guards; keepers of the furnishings, flour, wine, oil, incense and spices; bakers of the holy bread; musicians; judges, scribes and so on. But we see from our passage above that the musicians were also assigned the job of prophesying. What’s the linkage? The New Testament calls prophesying a gift but it is a gift we’re all urged to seek. How can prophesying be an assigned job, what does music have to do with it and how does this apply to the church today?

What does it mean to prophesy? The Hebrew word used in the passage above is naba. This is the same word used to describe what was done by Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Amos, and the prophets in general. It is what Joel said would happen in the last days, later quoted by Peter as having been fulfilled on the day of Pentecost in Acts 2. The word is also used when talking about false prophesying. So what does it mean? Strongs translates naba with variations on the word "prophesy" or to “be under influence of divine spirit.”

Growing up and for years as an adult, I thought prophesying meant telling the future, specifically about end times; it was something done only in Bible times or, perhaps, by a select few since then. I’m beginning to see how it is much more than that—it is a gift today’s Christians can and should use. What did the Old Testament prophets do? They spoke for God under the influence of his Divine Spirit. They were God’s mouthpieces through whom he gave both encouragement and admonition to his people. There weren’t just the odd one here or there; there were schools of prophets. People actually studied to become a prophet.

The commentaries I looked at in regards to prophesying in 1 Chronicles 25 suggest that the prophesying described here is different from that done by the prophets whose names entitle various books in the Old Testament but is it? Since the same word is used across the board, why would it mean something different in this one passage? I don’t think it does.

Prophesying, accompanied by musical instruments, brings to mind what I’ve seen and experienced in places like Kansas City’s International House of Prayer. The music is non-stop and it is in the context of music that words of God—often directly from Scripture—are spoken. The musicians are singing to God and as God speaks to them, they sing what they hear: encouragement, admonition, praise of God, and so on. I’m reminded of the scene in heaven described in Revelation where those gathered around the throne are constantly praising God.

I’m also thinking about the church I started attending this year. Our prophetic prayer meetings are a small version of the same thing: Gathering together and, under the influence of songs of praise to God, opening our ears to hear what God has to say to us and to the church as a whole. I haven’t seen another church do this but what else would one call a corporate relationship with God if it is not learning to hear God’s voice as a group and to interact with him?

Coming back to our passage, what do we learn about prophesying? It was a career. Certain men were set apart solely for this job (elsewhere in the Bible women were also named as prophets). It was a job based on lineage, not gifting (though God may very well have chosen to gift these particular family lines). It was accompanied by music. It was something they trained for. They all worked under supervision. Asaph, Heman and Jeduthun were supervised by the king and they supervised their sons. Young and old, teacher and student all were given prophesying duties. It was an integral part of the worship of God.

I’m no expert. I’m still trying to understand prophesy and its place in today’s Christian’s life and church but it seems to me that the implications of 1 Chronicles 25 should not be ignored.

Lord, please open my eyes, ears and heart to understand what you want me to know about prophesying. Give wisdom and insight to the leaders of my church and indeed of all churches. May we be all you want us to be and do all you want us to do, including prophesying. Your will be done. So be it.

Here is My Warrior!

She stands on the edge of her pain, a door open through which she can see the beginning.

Three huddle together in conference. “How will we manage to do that?” One asks.

“I have a plan. I have someone, yet to be conceived, who can do what we need.”

“But how? The job is too big, too difficult.”

“This one we will prepare from the moment of conception. We will fill her life with pain, sorrow and hardship. We will do this so she will become strong and unafraid. She will be hardened as diamonds and soft as pure gold.”

“What if we lose her to the pain?”

“We won’t. I have just the right parents for her and will bring them together.”

“Those two? The man is twice the woman’s age! She’s innocent and naive. He will disrespect, use and abuse her.”

“Yes, I know. That’s part of the plan.”

“They’re not married.”

“I know. They won’t want her. They will be alarmed at her growing presence inside the woman and will look for ways to get rid of her.”

“But if she’s the one we have chosen, and they are the right parents, what then?”

“The shaping of her character will begin in the darkness of this turmoil, knowing she’s unwanted but choosing to live. I am giving her traits and features that will bring pleasure and delight to her parents and they will choose to keep her.”

“Unmarried?”

“Unmarried.”

“I fear for this child.”

“Yes, she will have a hard life. She will be beaten, bruised and ignored.”

“And this is good?”

“It’s the only way.”

“Look! It’s beginning already! She’s so tiny. How can a man strike a newborn so harshly? Look! She is screaming and flailing her arms! Can’t we do something?”

“Yes. It is time for us to hold her. Bring the swaddling material. We will wrap her in our love, cradle her closely and comfort her with our presence. There now, little one. You are safe. I am protecting you. I will not let you go. Your pain hurts me too and I am angry at the sin that makes this necessary. This must be, but I am with you. It will never be more than you can bear. I hold you now and whenever the pain comes, I want you to choose my arms as your place of safety.”

As the father rages and the mother pleads, he pulls the flailing, screaming child close to his breast. As she calms in the security of the swaddling love, he lifts her high. Above the darkness of the bedroom she glows with the light of her Father and he declares, “This is my warrior. So be it.”

She who looks through the doorway understands. The pain has a purpose. He’s been with her all along. He’s been preparing a highway. It starts here, on the edge of her pain.


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Stuck in the Box

You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life. John 5:39, 40 NIV

Yesterday I went googling to see what I could find about a new (to me) ministry I've been learning about. I spent two weekends listening to the teaching of this ministry and one thing that struck me was how Scriptural it is. No verses or passages were twisted to fit and nothing taught was dependent upon a particular translation being used.

But as I googled, I was saddened by the plethora of writing against this ministry—saying it is unscriptural, dangerous and of the devil. My reading of Oswald Chambers this morning speaks to why this happens:

...we have made up our mind that God will only come along certain lines, and like the religious people of His day, when He comes on another line, we do not recognise Him.*

...we are always prejudiced over what we know least about and we foreclose our judgement about it.... Every point of view which I hold strongly makes me prejudiced and I can see nothing else but that point of view... [and] intolerant of any other point of view.

...Scriptures may distort the mind away from Jesus Christ. Unless we know the Living Word personally first, the literal words may lead us astray. The only way we can understand the Bible is by personal contact with the Living Word, then the Holy Spirit expounds the literal words to us along the line of personal experience.... Difficulties come because beliefs and creeds are put in the place of Jesus Christ....

Christian doctrines are the explanation of how Jesus Christ makes us saints, but all the doctrine under heaven will never make a saint. The only thing that will make a saint is the Holy Ghost working in us what Jesus Christ did in the Atonement.... Jesus Christ will reveal God to all who come to Him, not those who accept certain creeds or doctrines....

Scripture is vital, the right doctrines essential, but Christianity is about relationship with a living God who has a vested interest in the minutest aspects of our lives, not about correct theology. The Pharisees knew the Scriptures and probably had much of them memorized, but they totally missed the mark when it came to recognizing the very Messiah they were watching for. Why are so many believers today afraid of being in relationship with their Creator, afraid that listening to him might lead them astray, afraid to explore new ways of meeting him? There is so much God wants to do for us if only we’d let him.

Lord, I want to know you intimately, to come to you for life and the essence of living. I want you to illuminate every part of me, including the hidden recesses that even I don’t see. I want to know you so well that no matter how you step out of the box of my expectations, I will recognize and know you. Let it be so.


*All non-scriptural quotes are from “Bringing Sons Unto Glory” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, pages 238-240.

Behind Contempt

What kind of Lord Jesus have we? Is He the All-powerful God in our present circumstances, in our providential setting? Is He the All-wise God of our thinking and our planning? Is He the Ever-present God, “closer than breathing, nearer than hands or feet”?*

What are my present circumstances? Hmmm. The setting is my home and family. The circumstances are the crisis we’ve been in. This crisis has stirred a lot of fear in me. I discovered a lot of self-contempt, self-loathing yesterday.

As long as contempt is present, shame will not stop a person in her tracks, but will energize action and movement away from the dreaded exposure.**

What exposure am I dreading? That I’m not lovable, desirable, valuable. I’m not worth people’s attention. I’m not worth God’s attention. I’m not worth anything.

...longing for what the heart craves intensifies the anguish of the soul. ...To feel good in relationship with another, like no other experience, opens the door to past horror and future terror. ...a strong ambivalence about the future: on one hand, wanting the relationship to work and on the other, sabotaging the outcome.**

This has been me, wanting a good marriage with strong emotional intimacy and yet sabotaging the process to keep me from attaining that.

As long as I turn my condemnation against myself, I block the potential of your movement toward me and my longing for you to care. When I turn my condemnation against you, I am free from believing that I want anything from you. In either case, contempt kills longing.**

What are the longings I’m trying to kill? The longing to be loved, desired, valued, wanted, cherished.

As long as I believe there is something I can do about my problem, then I am not constrained to feel hopeless. A contemptuous explanation provides a direction to pursue to regain control over my emptiness.**

Why am I not lovable, desirable, valuable? Or, what reasons do I give myself about this? I’m not good enough. So I try to make myself “good enough” except that I can’t.

Contempt hinders the work of God. It directs our sight away from our deepest longings and deflects the focus from our depravity and need for a Savior to an attack against our own or another’s dignity.**

So what is my depravity that I’m avoiding? What is my sin that I’m trying to cover up? My withdrawal from Tom and others? The barriers I’ve placed between us?

[His] heart of...radical selfishness...protected him from responding to her rage. ...His contempt...offered him a strategy to be nicer, but not more involved with his wife ...conviction would have freed him to move toward her with an energy that was other-focused and persevering.**

Have I been “radically selfish”? I can see ways to lower the barriers I’ve erected between Tom and me, but I don’t like the cost: it would rob me of sleep, I’d have less time to do the things I like, I’d have to do things I don’t particularly enjoy. I’ve been trying to be nice but I haven’t wanted to get involved. I’ve made a point of being uninvolved. This is my depravity. What is my need for a Saviour?

I need your forgiveness, God. But I also need you to take away my selfishness. Please give me a compassion for Tom and a desire to put his needs and the needs of others before my own needs. Oh Lord! I don’t know how to do this at all! My focus has always been on me and my needs. How do I change? How do I have a genuine desire to get involved, a genuine willingness to give up my personal comforts for the benefit of our marriage, or to meet someone’s need? I don’t know, Lord. I need you to change me because I can’t do it. Please help me!

Father, you are the All-powerful God in these circumstances of mine. You can do what I cannot. You are the All-wise God of my thinking and planning. You can give me thoughts that honour you and Tom, show me how to change and tell me what to do. You are the Ever-present God, closer than breathing, nearer than my hands or feet. Be present in me and with me! May all of me be filtered through all of you. So be it.



*Oswald Chambers in “Bringing Sons Unto Glory” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers page 237.

**Dan B. Allender in The Wounded Heart, pages 84-88.

Why Talk about my Marriage?

Why Talk about my Marriage?

An explanation is needed for the following post. For years I lived my life thinking that I was right with God and all my problems were because of others, not me. Then I came face-to-face with my own depravity in the form of same-sex attraction. It’s been seven years since the day I realized that I needed to change—seven years of an exciting, turbulent ride that has humbled me, drawn me closer to God and brought healing and freedom to me on many levels.

As I’ve allowed God to uncover the diseased and dead parts of me, I’ve discovered there’s a whole lot more rotten in me than I knew. I’m beginning to see how I’ve been the source of my biggest problems. Several days ago I wrote about bitter-root judgement and expectancy: how we develop expectancies of things to happen because of past experiences and how others unconsciously conform to those expectations.

I’m starting to see how this is true in my life—how my negative expectancies have shaped those around me to behave in ways that are painful to me. The first several years of the spiritual journey I described above focussed on dealing with my same-sex attraction issues. Now the focus is my marriage. I’m ready to own my contributions to it to being less than it could or should be.

So why write about it here? At the beginning of this journey, I discovered that others were helped, encouraged and challenged by the things I wrote as I processed what God was doing in my life. I see no reason why this wouldn’t continue to happen, despite the different venue. I do want to make it clear that I am choosing to honour my husband. My intention is to focus on what needs to be changed in me, not him. My purpose is to share with you the process of God working in my life to encourage you and to bring him glory and honour. Four years ago, God gave me a distinct promise that he was going to renew our marriage and make it all it should be. I believe him and hope to share here how he does that.

Pray for Haiti

CNN reported this morning that nearly 800 people in Haiti have died from a string of hurricanes which whipped this already-poverty-stricken nation with heavy rains, flooding and mudslides. Another 2.3 million Haitians are estimated to have "fallen into food insecurity, with dramatic increases in prices for staple foods."

Pray for the people of Haiti!

Lord God, I cannot comprehend the devastation to this small, impoverished nation. It is too big for me. But it's not too big for you. A hurricane fits into the palm of your hand and you can do with it as you will. Haiti also fits into the palm of your hand and I know you love the people there. Have mercy, Lord! Have mercy! So be it.

Worthless and Precious

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ... Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who...made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Philippians 2:3-7 NIV

Two days ago I wrote about finding my worth in being “the best” and have been giving a lot of thought to and prayer about that. This morning my study took me to the passage above. Unknowingly, I have been living much of my life out of selfish ambition. What else would you call not feeling worthy unless I’m the best? My ambition has been to feel worthy, acknowledged and valued—very selfish and self-focused.

Jesus, on the other hand, is eminently worthy of all praise and adoration and yet he gave up that right and emptied himself of all apparent worth to come and live among us. He did the very opposite of what I have been doing: I have been grasping for worthiness and he gave his up. It’s a sobering thought.

Father, in the security of knowing who he was and his value to all creation, Jesus had no need to prove himself of worth either to himself or to others. He simply lived his life confidently out of that knowledge and let people accept or reject him as they chose. Why can’t I do the same? Why do I have this strong compulsion to demonstrate my worth and value? Why do I seem unable to live in confidence that I have worth and value simply because you made me.

You knit me together in my mother’s womb. Even though my conception and birth were not wanted, you wanted me. You created me and all your works of creation are wonderful. You saw my unformed body and took pleasure in my being. You planned who I would be and you formed and fashioned all my days—the days I enjoy and the ones I wish never existed. I am precious to you! You wrap your arms around me and you hold me. You whisper your love into my ear and promise to never let me go. It doesn’t matter if others value me because your thoughts about me matter more than the adulation of all I encounter. You are incredible, and I love you. So be it.


[My prayer borrows heavily from Psalm 139.]

Evangelist Worth More than Osama bin Laden

Since reading his end-times novels and Epicentre, the book that explains the prophecies and world politics the novels are based upon, I have been following the blog of Joel Rosenberg. One post has captured my attention: Exclusive: Al Qaeda Targets Arab Evangelist For Preaching The Gospel To Muslims.

Father Zakaria Botros is an Egyptian Coptic priest whose in-your-face “ninety-minute program...has become ‘must see TV’ throughout the Muslim world.” What makes his program so compelling? Perhaps it is his explanations “without apology what he believes is wrong with Islam...why Jesus loves them and why [Jesus] is so ready to forgive them and adopt them into His family....” Maybe it's because he takes on any question his (often antagonistic) listeners ask. It most certainly is because of the furor he has evoked amongst Islamic leaders.

The Muslim clerics have “named him one of the ‘most wanted’ infidels in the world,” putting a bounty on his head for as much as $60 million. Compare that to “the U.S. bounty on Osama bin Laden’s head [which] is ‘only’ $25 million.” Why? A thousand Muslims each month “pray to receive Christ with his telephone counsellors,” and the more the radicals attack Father Zakaria, the more Muslims become curious and tune in—up to fifty million a day.

This is the most exciting news I’ve heard in a long time. Can you imagine? Through the technology of satellite TV, the gospel is being preached to the most closed nations of the world and the people are flocking to hear it! If a thousand pray with telephone counsellors each month to receive Christ, how many more are making that decision quietly in their homes?

Father God, it is so exciting to see your gospel preached to a people cut off by their leaders from knowing you. Thank you for those who have put their lives on the line and for the technology that makes this possible. Thank you for Father Zakaria and his courage, his boldness and his panache. Continue to open the hearts of those who hear what he says and give them the courage to turn their backs on everything and everyone they know to follow you. Bless him and his staff, Lord! Bless the new believers and may they grow in grace and in the knowledge of you. Thank you for this glimpse into what you are doing. May your kingdom come! So be it.

The Glory and the Shame

...[Jesus] took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray. As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. They spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem. Luke 9:28-31 NIV

You would think that this transfiguration of Jesus, where he is revealed in all his glory, would be the apex of his time on earth. The disciples finally see him as he really is. What is left for him to do? For us it would be enough. Nothing better or more glorious could be seen or had. This is it!

But for Jesus, this is not it. This is not the apex of his time on earth. This is not what he has come to do. In the upside-down kingdom of God, Christ’s highest point comes not in dazzling, heavenly glory but in the shame and disgrace of the cross. That which was despised he embraced and now invites us to do the same.

Can I? It is fun and exciting when the light shines brightly on me, when others applaud what I do, say and am. But what of the cross? What happens when everything seems to fall apart, when shame, reproach and disgrace colour my world black? What then? Can I believe this serves a greater purpose than bright lights and glory? Can I eschew the praise and embrace the pain? Can I believe that this is where God will do his greatest work in and through me? Am I willing?

Father, I want to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of your throne. I know that the things I suffer and endure now can’t compare with the glory that you will reveal in me and so I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings. Let me not be ashamed, Lord, because I believe in you and am convinced that you are able to guard all that I have given you. I give you all I have. So be it.*


*Hebrews 12:2, Romans 8:18, Philippians 3:10, 1 Timothy 1:12

Nothing or Something

Be “strong enough to decline to exercise your rights.”*

This is an intriguing statement, especially in light of things I’ve been contemplating lately. It occurred to me last week that I have been finding my worth in being “the best,” and yesterday I realized that I do this out of a fear of becoming nothing, invisible, worthless. I’ve been asking myself if I’m able to relinquish to God this need to be known and acknowledged, to be best; to give up my methods of self-protection, jump into my fears and trust God to do what’s best.

Can I do this? Do I trust God more than I trust myself? The “correct” answer that all good Christians want to give to such questions is, “Yes! Of course I trust God!” But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, do I?

In North America, we talk a lot about our rights. We have the right to be who we are, to be self-determining, to live safely. Jesus said “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39 NIV) Am I strong enough and willing enough to decline my rights and lose myself for Jesus’ sake? Am I willing to be nothing, invisible and worthless so that Jesus can become everything, visible to others and considered worthy of honour and lordship?

God, I’ve built huge protective walls so that I won’t be squashed out of existence by those around me but are these walls barriers to the good you want to give me as I lose my life for your sake? Am I losing my life because I’m determined to find it? I want to trust you in this, God, but can I? Am I strong enough to decline to exercise my rights? Am I willing to ask for your strength to do what seems so impossibly scary? I want to, Lord. Please enable me. Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. So be it.


*Oswald Chambers in “Bringing Sons unto Glory” in The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers page 228.

Bitter-Root Judgement and Expectancy

[My thoughts are scattered and I'm having trouble concentrating. I started writing this a week ago and I realize now it may make no sense. I'm posting it anyway.]

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 NIV

I’ve been slowly making my way through the book The Transformation of the Inner Man by John and Paula Sandford. The chapter called “Bitter-Root Judgment and Expectancy” really spoke to me.

What is a bitter-root judgement? As a child (could be as an adult too), when we experienced or observed something we didn’t like, we often made judgements about the person we connected to that event and then developed an expectancy that others would behave in the same disappointing way. Because of our expectancy, those we become close to will actually unconsciously conform to that expectancy. This sets us up for a lot of painful relationships and interactions. Those judgements and expectancies continue to operate in our lives until we become aware of them and bring them to the cross.

“Just as a tiny mustard seed grows to produce a large tree, so a seed of judgment sown increases the longer it remains unrecognized and unrepented of.”*

As I reread the parts of the chapter I underlined (I make a real mess with my books, underlining and writing notes), I realized that I have lived a life of judgement. I must have a lot of bitter roots, whether I’m aware of their origins or not. I liked this statement:

“God gives us a beloved enemy to force us spiritually lazy people to face what is undealt with in our flesh, else we would go through life ever congratulating ourselves that we are okay without Him.

“Unfortunately what happens in many marriages is that when couples begin to grow close enough to one another that the grinding and polishing process is going on in earnest, they withdraw from the pain [and] erect defensive walls to hide their vulnerability....”

That quote describes me in many ways. I think I have congratulated myself many times that I had things pretty much altogether. Ha! Was I fooled! As for defensive walls, I’m beginning to realize that not only am I the one who built them, but I’ve completely surrounded myself with them. That’s a huge lack of trust in God and the self-protective walls keep me from the very closeness I long to have.

“There is only one answer for any marriage.... That is to exchange that dividing wall of hostility for the cross of Christ. It is to stop all demands that the other change. It is to die daily to self, to continually ask the Lord, ‘What in me is contributing...? What is there in me that needs to die?’”

Transforming my life “means choosing to be vulnerable and trusting the Lord to defend and protect.”

Can I do this, Lord? Am I willing to hand myself over to those I love in complete vulnerability and trust you to protect me? How much do I trust you? I’ve been depending on myself to protect me instead of you. How do I change this? Please help me!



*All non-Scripture quotes are from The Transformation of the Inner Man by John and Paula Sandford. Victory House (Tulsa, OK): 1982. pages 237 to 248.