Thirty-five Years of Marriage--Part 2

Continued from "Thirty-five Years of Marriage--Part 1"


God seemed to be telling me to return to Tom but surely I wasn't hearing correctly! I fought long and hard with God about that until finally I put the whole thing to a test--a test that was so weighted in favour of what I wanted, that it could only be God if it went the other way.

It went the other way. I was so mad at God! Why? Why? Why?

Amazingly, when I showed up at Tom's door, pregnant, and told him that God seemed to want me to return to him, he was so eager he wanted me to move in right then--even when I told him how I really didn't want to. He didn't care. He wanted me back, child and all.

As I drove the six hours back to Regina, I cried and railed at God for sending me back to hell. I would obey him and return to Tom but my thoughts were defiant and angry. Strangely, things began to change in me as I drove until I was singing praises to God for what he had done. I was actually looking forward to my return. It’s surprising what God can do to, in and through us.

It was evident from the beginning that nothing had changed. We quickly returned to the way we had related before. The difference for me was that I was committed to God and to doing what I had to to stay in relationship with God. Tom started out also determined to follow God and we began to make connections and friends at church—as well as receiving counselling from the pastor. As Tom’s interest in church and God began to wane, I continued to stay connected with God and other believers and was surrounded by many who encouraged me to hold fast to God.

Despite Tom’s on-again-off-again and sometimes antagonistic attitude towards God, his acceptance of my child was complete. He came to Lamaze classes with me, he was present at the delivery, he learned to change diapers and he would get up in the night to let me get some sleep. In every way except biologically, Mons has been his eldest son and he has been his father. Even when more sons were added to our family, he did not treat them with any preference over this first. I have had many complaints about Tom over the years but in this regard he was faultless and it still amazes me and boggles my mind that he was and is willing and able to do this.

By the time Mons was six years old, we had four sons and no daughters. We also had a lot of animosity between us. I was a stay-at-home mom who sometimes homeschooled and sometimes didn’t. Tom was a teacher and eventually became a school principal. There were many good things about our life together. We lived (and still do) in a nice neighbourhood, Tom was stable and reliable as a provider and I poured my energies into my kids as he poured his into his career. He has earned and deserves great respect from his colleagues, the communities in which he has worked and across the city.

Together we wrote a number of interdisciplinary teachers’ guides, the research for which got me acquainted and comfortable with the Internet. When a huge genealogical opportunity presented itself, I began to use the computer more and more, developing community with other genealogists around the globe. I loved the search and the connection with so many others who shared my interests—including distant family members that I discovered.

Over the years we went to a number of different counsellors and marriage retreats but nothing seemed to change. I continued to feel miserable and, I suspect, so was Tom. When a family crisis unexpectedly arose, Tom and I found a new counsellor who worked with us for the next year and a half or so.

It was during this time that I met Pearl and began the journey described in my book. When I told our marriage counsellor and pastors about my struggle with Pearl specifically and same-sex attraction in general, they advised me to not tell Tom. Deep inside of me, however, I knew the time would come when I would have to tell him.

It came sooner than I expected. We were at a marriage conference and Tom wanted to know what the issue was that I was struggling with so much that I needed another counsellor. I was sure that when he heard, our marriage would be over. His response was totally unexpected. “I guess I need to start going to church from now on,” he said. And though he had hardly darkened the church door more than a handful of times per year for many years, he began to attend faithfully and has done so ever since.

It was a year later when someone asked me what steps I was taking to improve our marriage. God had been doing incredible things in my life and I was learning to relate to him in a completely new way so my answer was, “I’m learning to listen to God.” I guess my advisor thought my answer was a cop-out and didn’t like it at all. I should have a plan laid out that I would do this, and that and the next thing. That’s how I used to operate but it simply didn’t fit the new me that God was creating.

I felt exonerated when, a couple of months later, I went to a retreat in Colorado and felt my whole attitude towards Tom changing. Without my even trying, through the work of the Holy Spirit (and without following any steps), everything shifted. It was sudden, startling and amazing. No way could I have orchestrated that on my own.

We still struggled, however. I had trouble believing Tom truly had embraced God and that summer, Pearl came back into my life. As my romance with her grew, so did my animosity towards Tom. The forward steps of the spring seemed to disappear. In the end, I chose to walk away from Pearl.

The following summer, as I put the finishing touches on my book, I heard God promise me that he would heal our marriage—not just a little bit but beyond my wildest expectations. Not only so, but as an act of believing this, I was to start to write the book about how God healed our marriage even though I saw no any signs of it, just as I had started to write Searching for Love when I was deep in relationship with Pearl.

For two years I held onto this promise though I saw no sign of improvement. I knew the promise was from God because never before had I had the confidence that things would improve. I stayed in the marriage because God had unequivocally made it clear to me when I was pregnant that first time that this was where he wanted me, but I had no hope of things changing until that promise.

Tom continued to grow in his walk with God but I was cynically sceptical, certain it was all a sham and waiting for it all to come crashing down. But it hasn’t! I began to see changes in the way Tom behaved and treated me. At this point I was still convinced that all the problems we had were his fault but it was soon afterwards that my turn on the waiting list was over and I began to see a psychiatrist once a week for a deep depression that I’ve probably carried most of my life.

On one level, psychotherapy makes no sense to me. I go to the doctor, tell her about the week, she asks questions and we talk. Couldn’t I do that with a friend? Obviously something is working because I’m changing. I’ve gone faithfully for two years and I’m beginning to see things from a different perspective.

Granted, it’s not just the therapy that has made a difference in me. I continue to devour books on healing, wholeness and spirituality. I continue to seek God, spend time with him and keep my thoughts focused on him. I’ve continued my pursuit of listening to God and that has paid big dividends.

For instance, two summers ago my niece was getting married in Tennessee. I wanted to drive and visit friends along the way. I’ve done a fair number of road trips through the US by myself and didn’t really want Tom along this time either, but the nudge from God was unmistakable. I needed to invite him along—and push for him to accompany me even when he said he didn’t want to.

I was fully expecting to have a big fight along the way and was quite prepared to take my suitcase and find another way to travel but it didn’t happen. He actually enjoyed the trip and meeting my many online friends. In the two or three weeks we were gone, we got along well and had fun together. I was amazed! I didn’t think it was possible but with God all things are possible.

We continue to grow together. Tom’s support of my book is mind-boggling. Since when has a husband eagerly promoted a book his wife has written about her affair with another woman? Granted, it’s more about what God has done for me and that’s the part Tom is focussing on but still! Again, with God all things are possible.

And now I’m finally beginning to see how messed up I was long before I got married. I have unknowingly behaved out of that messed-up-ness for years. I desperately want to be loved, valued, wanted, appreciated; but the very thing I’ve longed for I haven’t known how to accept. I haven’t been able to recognize it. Others told me how much Tom loves me but I didn’t believe them—despite so much evidence that he does.

And so, as our thirty-sixth year of marriage begins I see myself on a new leg of this journey. I can finally see that many of the barriers between Tom and me were built by me—built in self-protection to keep me from the very thing I’ve wanted. I’ve still got a long way to go—the barriers won’t come down overnight—but it’s a beginning.

I’ve held on to God’s promise about our marriage by faith, knowing that God always keeps his promises; but now I’m beginning to see God’s work in our life together. God does do the impossible. He does do more than we can think or imagine. He does keep his promises and he does work all things for good for those who love God—even if he takes 35 years to do it.

Thank you, God!

A Squirrel Will Do What a Squirrel Must Do

I happened across a very humorous tale this morning and enjoyed it so much, I simply have to share it. Beet Pulp Safety Warning is written by Susan Evans Garlinghouse, DVM, MSc and self-described "Equine Nutrition and Research Geek."

Enjoy!

Wesley's New Year Prayer

I am shamelessly borrowing a post from "Throw Me a Bone," a blog by Dan Rutherford--a good friend, at one time one of my pastors and now pastoring in Victoria B.C. He writes:

The founder of the Methodist movement - John Wesley called all of his people to make an annual covenant prayer to remind them of the basis on which they were to live. He adapted a prayer for this purpose and instructed all people to renew these vows each year.

Look at these words, make them yours, ask God how He would use you in the months to come as together we seek to see His Church grow into greater Christlikeness.

I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,

exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,tho u art mine, and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.*

Isn't that an awesome thing to pray? I think I would benefit from praying it every single day instead of just once a year. Read the prayer through more than once. Can you honestly make that prayer your own?

Lord, I want to make this prayer my own. I want you and only what you want for me, whether that is much or nothing, fullness or emptiness, exaltation or lowering, easiness or suffering. Help me remember that all comes from your hand and nothing is without your purpose. May your will be done.



*http://danrutherford1.blogspot.com/2008/12/wesleys-new-years-prayer.html

Christmas Eve at Winnipeg Centre Vineyard

This is my first Christmas at my new church (been attending for a week shy of a year) and I had no idea what to expect for the Christmas Eve service. For years our family has gone to the service at another church and have always enjoyed it--the readings by candlelight, music by classically trained singers and, of course, lots of people we know and love. I love my new church enough that it wouldn't matter to me what the service was like, I would be happy to be there, but I wasn't sure about Tom and the boys. How would they adjust to a service, held in a 100-year-old (probably older) tractor factory in the worst part of town, that would be designed to be meaningful to all who would attend--prostitutes and homeless, little children and middle class professionals? It must be quite the job trying to have something that makes sense to all.

Church was awesome. Absolutely simple and profound. We have no organ, piano or choir but the "band" of keyboard, accordion and flute leading us in singing the traditional songs was perfect. All we did was sing and listen to a short homily. (Well, okay, we had a bit of "excitement" too as one inebriated man walked down the aisle towards the front, calling out some sort of garbled complaint. Most churches have ushers. We have bouncers. But the man was treated with dignity and respect. That's one thing I love about this church--everyone is on an equal footing. It doesn't matter how you dress, smell or behave. You are loved and valued.)

Nathan began with a story that took place 1700 years ago. Hey! Wait a minute! Christmas is about Jesus' birth, which took place 2000 years ago. Where was he going with this? Let me share what I remember. I took no notes, so I could be off on a few things. Forgive me if I am, please.

A young boy, eight years old, was orphaned by parents who left him a heap of money. He was put into the care of monks and he so admired the way they lived, that he wanted to become a monk too. There was only one problem. To become a monk meant being poor. What should he do? He decided that rather than give his money with much pomp and ceremony, he would find secretive ways to help those in need. For instance, he would buy a very expensive rug and pay way more than the rug was worth, and then find an excuse to return it without a refund.

Another time he learned of a father with three girls who was so poor, he had no money for a dowry and felt forced to sell the girls into slavery and prostitution. Our would-be-monk put enough coins into a sock and hurled it through the window of the eldest girl's room. She had no idea where the money came from. A little later he did the same with the next girl and finally, since the youngest girl kept her window closed, he climbed to the roof and tossed a sockfull of coins which somehow landed in some stockings hanging from the mantelpiece in the girl's bedroom.

Our family happens to know Gerry Bowler, a historical expert on all things Christmas, and so we were nudging each other with scepticism about the truth of these details, never having heard them before. But really, the truth of the tale didn't matter so much as the message Nathan was communicating to us all (and when we went home and checked Santa Claus: A Biography, lo and behold, we found the story of the father and his three girls in it, so Nathan wasn't that far off).

Nicholas' mission in life was to live among the poor, a poor man like them. To tie it to the real Christmas story, isn't that what Jesus did? And so what about us, today? What is our response to the poor? We were challenged to reflect on how our lives today can be more like the original Santa Claus (that name being a derivation of the Dutch for Saint Nicholas) who kept finding ways to give long after his parents' money was gone. It's not a message I've heard before on Christmas Eve and yet it is so strikingly fitting. Isn't that what Christmas is about? Jesus left all the wealth and glory of heaven to come to the most impoverished planet in the universe and live among us, giving to us.

Nathan shared another story, that of a woman who plied her trade on the same corner as our church. She wasn't well, and soon became so ill that taking one breath of cold air would cause her lung to collapse. She didn't have much, either--only a thin jacket not nearly warm enough for the cold Winnipeg winters. Nathan was speaking one day at a Christian high school and told the students about this woman. He appealed to them that if there were three or four who might be able to spare a coat, would they please leave them on the stage before morning.

When morning came, he returned to the school. What he found on the stage was a pile of coats and jackets, four feet high, a couple of feet wide and about 64 feet long. Yeah. It sounds preposterous, doesn't it? It took three 15-passenger vanloads to take them all to the church and, after the woman was given her pick of coats, the rest were quickly given out to others in need. I was near tears as he told the story. The woman was amazed at the love that was shown to her. These coats and jackets didn't come because of some big, well-planned campaign. They came from simply hearing about someone in need and caring. A number of people from the church "adopted" her and would often show up at her place (a small room in a "flea-bitten," stale-beer-smelling hotel) to play cards or just hang out with her. The woman died a few months later, but she died knowing that she was loved.

On this day where much of North America gathers around trees brightly lit, decked with pretty baubles and loaded with gifts underneath, what of the poor? What of the disenfranchised? What of those who will be sleeping outside tonight in the colder-than-minus-4o-degrees-with-the-windchill? What's really cool is that even though the regularly-scheduled drop-in day for the neighbourhood (every Tuesday and Thursday) lands on Christmas Day, there is no cancelling. It will run as usual. May God bless each person who gives part of their Christmas Day to love those who have no way to repay them. These are the heros of the season.

Thirty-five Years of Marriage--Part 1

Thirty-five years ago today, I stood on the brink of adulthood, certain I had all the answers and life would go on happily forever after. It was a huge shock when, the very next day, my crystal dream castle came shattering down, filling my soul with shards. Or maybe the shards were already there and I was unaware until things got shaken up a bit.

Tom and I married on my 18th birthday, two days before Christmas. We chose this time because his mother and brothers and my sisters had long distances to travel and we wanted them with us for this occassion. I hadn't realized how that would interfere with a honeymoon of exclusive time for just us. Tom wanted to spend time with his family, who he hadn't seen for a couple of years, and it was Christmas--definitely a family time--but I had my mind set on the ideal wedding, honeymoon and marriage and this was not fitting. I got so angry I gave him back the ring and stomped out. It's easy to see that drama objectively now, but at the time all I could feel was the hard crash of perceived rejection.

Our marriage went downhill from there. Having established in my mind that Tom cared more about himself than me, everything that happened between us from then on was filtered through this belief. I was miserable. I had read every book on marriage in my school library (which also served a seminary, so there were lots of books on marriage) and was sure I was prepared for any problem that might arise.

Since I was so prepared, it was evident to me that the problems were all his fault. I tried so many ways to fix things, completely unaware of the brokenness in me that coloured my view and tainted my perspective. It's only been in the last year or two that I've begun to realize that I came to marriage twisted and distorted, unable to receive the very things I longed for. There's a long journey ahead as my awareness grows. I'm a lot uglier inside than I ever realized.

It was during these early years of marriage that I slowly drifted away from God. I justified my absence from church by reasoning that I could keep in relationship with God on my own through Bible reading and prayer; but without the encouragement of other believers and because of the unseen messiness inside me, these spiritual disciplines also slipped away. I was searching for answers to my misery and looking in all the wrong places--so much so that I began to think that having an affair was the remedy. I can't remember my reasoning on that one, but I know I was convinced of it.

You think starting an affair is easy business? I flirted with every male I could but it took six months or more before one bit. And he seemed very much the answer. The contrast in the way I felt with him, compared with how I felt with my husband was so marked that I was certain I could no longer tolerate my marriage any longer and, without any warning, packed up my personal belongings one day and moved out while Tom was at work.

The next two years and a bit were tumultuous. With all the boundaries gone, for the first time in my life I felt free! My lovers multiplied and it was a struggle to keep them sorted out. When I moved to another city to live with one of these men, my philandering didn't stop.

But God started to awaken me, to open my ears to his voice, gently calling me back to him. I started looking for a church, I studied the Bible with a couple of girls who came to the door and decided I wanted to return to God. Before I could act on this decision, I landed in the hospital for emergency surgery and spent the next several weeks recovering--except that I didn't seem to.

One night, after vomitting seven times, I returned to Emergency where I learned I was pregnant. It was a shock but I never questioned whether I would keep the child or not. Of course I would keep it! And so I began looking for resources available to single moms.

I connected with a woman from the Pregnancy Crisis Centre who, after hearing my story, said she had something to tell me that would affect how she would counsel me. "I am a Christian," she said.

"So am I!" I declared.

"No you're not. Look at your life!"

And she was right. My life was an ungodly mess. But I was ready and together we knelt down and prayed.

My life turned completely around from that point on. I couldn't get enough of God, of the Bible, of church or other Christians. I spent hours every day with God and a question that began to materialise was, "What about my marriage?"

What about it? I had absolutely no intention of returning to the pain I had left and hoped that perhaps I could start a new life with the father of my child. Who was the father? It took several times of doing the math before I could be sure. He was the man I had initially left my marriage for.

God seemed to be telling me to return to Tom but surely I wasn't hearing correctly! I fought long and hard with God about that until finally I put the whole thing to a test--a test that was so weighted in favour of what I wanted, that it could only be God if it went the other way.

Continued here.

But Why?

I haven't been posting here very much lately. Things have been very stressful lately and for some perverse reason, those are the very times I find it hardest to come into my prayer room and spend undistracted time with God. Perverse because they are the times when I need him the most. And, stranger still, I love these times with God so why do I avoid them? Why? Why? Why?

Which reminds me that my mom was talking to my grades five and six teacher the other day. He called me the "But Why?" girl. I used to annoy him and my classmates by forever asking that question. Finally, to shut me up, he told the class that if we follow that question long enough, the answer we arrive at is, "Because God." We students experimented with that for a long time and found it to be true.

Merry Christmas, Henry (and May) Welch!

Second Book Signing

Debbie will be at The Light Christian Bookstore this Saturday, December 27, to sign copies of her new book, Searching for Love: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Same-Sex Attraction.

The store is part of the strip mall just south of Bishop Grandin on Pembina Hwy., tucked in a little corner--the same space where Blessings used to be.

The book signing isn't meant to replace a book launch but I haven't yet been able to get a book launch organized and The Light Christian Bookstore invited me to do a second book signing this weekend, so I decided to take them up on that. I hope you can come.


Date: Saturday, December 27, 2008
Time: 1:00pm - 4:00pm
Location: The Light Christian Bookstore
Street: 2077 Pembina Highway
City/Town: Winnipeg, MB

View Map

Email: debbiehaughland@gmail.com

First Book Signing

I wasn't sure what to expect at the book signing. I've been to book launches but never to a book signing. A tall round table was set up for me not far from the cashier, with a tall stool to sit on. I could see whoever came through the entrance and, being up high, I could see across the store. It was "Customer Appreciation Day" so a hostess was offering cookies, coffee and apple cider to those in the store.

Not too many people I knew came by but, truly, on the last Saturday before Christmas would I want something else added to my to do list? Nope. But I had a good time.

Before going, I spent a bit of time reading some googled tips about book signings. Most of what I read assumed the event was planned weeks in advance, but I had only three days to prepare. One tip was very useful and I used it a lot. I think most people would have walked past my table quite oblivious to my presence so I would try to catch someone's eye and then, holding out a book, would ask them if they would like to look at my new book or ask them if they had seen my new book yet. Most people stopped and took time to read the back cover, which I appreciated.

I had to remind myself to not judge from a person's appearance whether they'd be interested or not and it's a good thing. The first to buy a copy was an elderly couple who spent a fair bit of time chatting with me about homosexuality and how to respond to homosexuals whose paths we cross (simply love them and let the Holy Spirit convict them about how he wants them to live).

One woman seemed offended that I thought she might be interested in the book: "I don't have that problem," she stated and backed away as if SSA is contagious and she'd catch it if she touched the book.

It was fun to chat with people and I plan to go back next Saturday when Christmas isn't absorbing everyone's thoughts.

Book Review--"...was hooked immediately"

An awesome book!, December 18, 2008

By	Linda L. Dodd "leah777" (Missouri)

I purchased this book recently, started reading it and was hooked immediately. It's so well written, but it's so real and heartfelt right from the beginning.

This is a very insightful look into the healing power of God and what he can do with a broken and confused life when one turns that life over to him. Without going into all the lurid details of the relationship, the author gives the reader hope for healing of ANY PROBLEM, no matter how big or how small. She brings to life a God of our hearts who longs to heal the deepest parts of our being, and in doing so frees us to be truly his, showering on us all the affection and love that we have longed for all of our lives.

It doesn't matter what your struggle is in life, and most of us have them, this book will help lead you down a path of healing and restoration with the living God.

Review at Amazon.com

Book Signing at The Light Christian Bookstore

Debbie Haughland Chan's New Book:

Searching for Love: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Same-Sex Attraction

Debbie will be at The Light Christian Bookstore this Saturday to sign copies of her new book, Searching for Love: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Same-Sex Attraction.

The store is part of the strip mall just south of Bishop Grandin on Pembina Hwy., tucked in a little corner--the same space where Blessings used to be.

The book signing isn't meant to replace a book launch but I haven't yet been able to get a book launch organized and The Light Christian Bookstore invited me to do a book signing this weekend, so I decided to take them up on that. I hope you can come.


Date: Saturday, December 20, 2008
Time: 1:00pm - 4:00pm
Location: The Light Christian Bookstore
Street: 2077 Pembina Highway
City/Town: Winnipeg, MB

View Map

Email: debbiehaughland@gmail.com

Joy to Elmwood!

Tom and I were invited to the Christian Family Centre's Christmas banquet tonight by the congregation's Brazilian pastor, Elton DaSilva and his wife Ana. I've come away impressed by a number of things.

The congregation is warm, welcoming and very much like a family. It was cool to see everyone gathered together, standing in the foyer singing Christmas carols.

What was particularly moving was to see the Batende family* in attendance. Six siblings, refugees from the Democratic Republic of Congo who watched their parents massacred in the middle of the night, are celebrating their first Christmas in Canada. Christian Family Centre is not their home church but they live in the neighbourhood and someone made the effort to include them.

The interior of the church is beautiful--far beyond what I would expect from a small congregation. It appears to be a work in progress, but what has been finished so far is very high class. I'm guessing the congregation has a few carpentry wizards.

The Christmas decor for the banquet was stunning: green garlands, wreaths and miniature Christmas trees, tiny lights, silver trim and white poinsettas and topiary. The round tables had square red cloths covering larger white cloths and in the centre of each was a small Christmas tree in a square metal pail, covered with silver-coloured ornaments. How festive!

The food was top-notch. This little church, in order that all may attend, hired a caterer to provide and serve the food. Did I say the place has class? They also hired people to care for the children who, I presume, were also fed a good meal.

Besides a feast for our bodies, we were given a feast for our souls and spirits. The cutest little boy, four years old in pin-striped suit, white shirt and red tie, along with his slightly older sister who hid behind a music stand, sang to us. The little boy was such a darling as he held the (comparatively) large mike in front of his face.

A man, identified as Dan, played phenomenal sax that would put any professional jazz musician to shame. Oh wait! I think they said he is the pastor of music at a different church. Dan was full of joy and energy as he played, moving his sax back and forth, making some strange flourishes with his right hand and filling the room with exuberance. His final song, "All I want for Christmas is You," he played directly to his wife who was sitting at one of the front tables. What I particularly enjoyed (other than Dan's incredible musicianship) was one little old lady on the other side of the room. I'd guess her to be about 85-95 and as Dan played "Let it snow!" she danced, sitting in her chair, every possible part of her moving with enthusiasm to the beat (I especially remember the elbows). At the back of the room, two young women also danced with joy.

We saw a couple of videos. One was the youth of the church, renacting the visitation of the magi. They presented their gifts to Mary, but when they heard her call the baby "Jesus," they grabbed the gifts back and said they were looking for Barak Obama. The video ended with a commentary about who do we look to save us.

In the other video, the innkeeper stood, talking to us about the couple who had come looking for a place to stay. Full of humour and references to current times, the vignette showed a shepherd in jeans who had been brought to the barn by a star. He left, wishing the innkeeper a Merry Census. A wiseman arrived in a business suit. I wish I could remember more. It was a unique and fresh way to present a story that everyone has heard gazillions of time.

Three girls from the youth group acted out what it might have been like had the wives of the wisemen gathered together for lunch. They spoke in upper crust English accents and complained about things like a husband not wanting to move up to a single-hump camel, but choosing to stick with the cheaper two-humped model; about a great bargain at the myrrh market and diversifying investments by trading some sheep for gold.

And then the message. Russ (I didn't hear his last name) used Joseph as an example for us to follow, with three points:

1. We need to learn to listen to God speaking to us. Many of us don't think God wants to speak to us so, when he does, we miss him. How did Joseph know it was God speaking to him and not just something he ate that created the dream?

2. We must believe that God is up to doing the impossible. Imagine yourself in Joseph's shoes. His fiancée is pregnant and he didn't do it. He's supposed to believe it was God? He could have walked away, but had he, he would have missed out on what God was doing. God likes to stretch us. Our hearts are like a balloon that holds only so much. God uses pain to stretch our lives so our capacity increases not only to feel pain but also for love, peace and joy. Everytime God does the impossible, there is always a logical explanation that could be used to dismiss it as ordinary. Joseph chose to believe the impossible.

3. Joseph chose to take a big risk. Again, if he hadn't, he would have missed out. What risk is God asking you to take or believe?

Joy. The evening was full of it. Pastor Elton DaSilva invited the many visitors to church tomorrow morning. The sermon topic? Joy. God is full of it and so are his people.



Special mention needs to go to Ana DaSilva who wrote and produced the vignette and videos, decorated the church and seemed to be the driving force behind the evening. Thank you, Ana!

*"Family marks first Canadian Christmas," by Thomas V. Chan in Christian Week, Manitoba Edition, December 1, 2008.

Stories

Most of my writing here is spiritually exploratory--thoughts that come to me mostly during my prayer times. But I've been having fun writing some stories and decided to give them special attention.

February 6, 2009
He Wants Me!
Look, Daddy!

Added December 5, 2008
The Oaken Door
The Ring
Enveloped
Stepping Stone Oases
Here is My Warrior!

Apology to Subscribers

Please forgive all the posts I've made today. I'm reorganizing my website to make it more streamlined and the sidebar less busy. The posts added today are what the new links in the sidebar will connect to. I will update them from time to time as needed. Thank you for your patience as I work on this.

Periodicals Read in 2008

Reader's Digest
National Geographic
Winnipeg Women (it comes to the door free of charge but has some great, Winnipeg-focused articles. The men's version is on the flip side of the magazine)
Scientific American (my son has a subscription and leaves it in the bathroom)

Websites of Interest

March 13, 2009
Hackrifice My son Erik's site for footbag. Footbaggers around the world keep tuned to this site and when he was in Prague last summer for the World competition, competitors came up to him to say things like, "You're my hero!"

Mons Tunes My son Mons is an awesome musician. You can listen to (and download) some of his music here.

Faith Journal My son Mikael has been documenting his journey with God.

Mikael's Misadventures Mikael has had a lot of adventures--enough to make a mother cringe. But he is a good story teller.

December 5, 2008
All the King's Horses Jan was a lesbian in a long-term relationship with the woman she loved until she had a dream. Her story is gripping and worth reading.

Winnipeg Centre Vineyard My church since January 2008.

Tomfooleries My husband Tom occasionally writes in his blog.

My Prairie Home My son Konrad writes in his blog less often than his father.

Living in Nepal A childhood friend and her husband took their family to live in Nepal for four months in 2008. Read about their experiences.

More links to be added later.



Updated March 13, 2009

Debbie's Reading List

Non-Fiction Books 2009
Fiction Books 2009
Periodicals 2009

Non-Fiction Books 2008
Fiction Books 2008
Periodicals 2008



Updated January 2, 2009

Fiction Read in 2008

The following list is not complete, because I only started to keep track in June, rather than January. The list is longer than that for non-fiction because I can read fiction so much faster.


Added January 2, 2009:

Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult
The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult
I'm disappointed that some of Picoult's books are steamier than I prefer. I figured that since Plain Truth wasn't steamy, neither would the others be. She's a very good writer though.

My thoughts on The Tenth Circle.

The Promise by Ted Dekker
A very dear friend gave this to me for Christmas.

Added December 5, 2008:
Playing for Pizza by John Grisham
Though the story is full of football, which I don't really understand, I loved learning about Parma, Italy. Interestingly, I had just finished reading the book when Mons received a package from a Parmesan friend he met this spring on his trip to some of Mediterranean countries.

Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult
A newborn baby is found dead in an Amish milking barn. I love reading stories that show the Amish way of life and this fast-paced murder mystery was no exception.

Longshot by Dick Frances

Web of Evil by J. A. Jance
I was introduced to J. A. Jance's novels by my very good friend, Francine Biere, who lives in the same south-east corner of Arizona where most of Jance's novels take place.

The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity by William P. Young
In novel format, The Shack gives an incredibly wonderful view of what relationship with God can be like.

The Cellist of Sarajevo by Steven Galloway
Very artistic in style, this book doesn't have the most intriguing story line. It does, however, open the eyes of the reader to what it is like to live in a city in the centre of war.

The Prussian Lieutenant by Karl May, translated from German by Robert Stermscheg
Karl May, writing in the 1800s, has been likened to Alexander Dumas. The Prussian Lieutenant is an interesting story, but I was disappointed with some of the decisions made by the translator.

Passchendaele: In WWI, a Small Band of Canadian Soldiers Challenged an Enormous German Army. This is Their Story based on the Screenplay by Paul Gross
This is an amazing and graphic depiction of what war is like--both on the front line and back at home. The battle at Passchendaele, apparently, changed Canada in many ways.

The Presence by Bill Myers
The Seeing by Bill Myers
Soul Tracker by Bill Myers
I reviewed it here.

The Bourne Betrayal by Eric van Lustbader
Not written as well as the books in this series started by Robert Ludlum.


Added in August, 2008:
The Bourne Ultimatum--Robert Ludlum
The Bourne Supremacy--Robert Ludlum
The Bourne Identity--Robert Ludlum
My husband and sons convinced me one evening to watch a movie with them—The Bourne Identity. I loved it! (Okay, so I like stories of espionage and covert operations.) Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had the book, unread, on a shelf in my bedroom! The book is nearly a different story from the movie and much better. I ordered the next two from the library. The second book is set in Hong Kong—a place where I spent a couple of summers, so I recognized many of the places and the culture. I found Ludlum’s books clean of gratuitous sex and foul language, focusing on a theme of justice and rightness. Another author has continued the series and I hope to read his stories as well. Can he do as well as Ludlum? I doubt it but they could be fun to read anyway.

Dead Heat--Joel C. Roseberg
The Copper Scroll--Joel C. Rosenberg
The Ezekiel Option--Joel C. Rosenberg
The Last Days--Joel C. Rosenberg
The Last Jihad--Joel C. Rosenberg
I heard about this series from an online friend who works in a New Jersey Christian bookstore. Like the Left Behind series, these focus on end time events. Unlike LeHaye’s best-sellers, Rosenberg’s stories have a striking believability about them. Perhaps it’s because the author “has worked for some of the world’s most influential and provocative leaders, including Steve Forbes, former Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and former Israeli deputy prime minister Natan Sharansky,” and has spent much time in the company of other high-rolling politicians and their advisors. What is most amazing is that the very events he described in his first book (terrorists flying a jet into an American city on a suicide mission) took place after the book was written. This happened with the second and third books as well. Some have called him a modern-day Nostradamus but he protests that he simply looks at current events through the lens of Scripture, which makes plain what is to happen “in the last days.” For the first time in over thirty years, I’m interested in studying end-time events and what the connection is between them and what has been and is happening in the Middle East.

Byzantium--Stephen Lawhead
The improbable story of high adventure and endless action set in the 8th century, touching Ireland, Denmark, Russia, Constantinople and beyond. Vikings sail to Constantinople, looking for treasure beyond measure but can they find it? Can they utilize the “grab and dash” method so successful along the European coast? Can the young scholarly Irish monk captured by them keep himself useful enough to stay alive? How do these men from the wild north respond to civilization and Christianity as they pursue their goal of plundering a city covered in gold?

My Soul to Keep--Davis Bunn

The Voice--Bill Myers
What if scientists could record the voice of God spoken in the heavens? What would it look like? What would happen if that recording was played for others to hear?

Blink--Ted Dekker
A high-speed thriller that gives interesting insights into the Middle East with some sci-fi thrown in.

Showdown--Ted Dekker
Reminiscent of Stephen King

Obsessed--Ted Dekker
Thr3e--Ted Dekker

White--Ted Dekker
Red--Ted Dekker
Black--Ted Dekker
Dekker writes in a number of styles—Fantasy, Science Fiction, Thrillers. Black, Red and White move between our world and another, each world affecting the other. Dekker’s books are not overtly Christian in the sense that you’d hardly know they were until near the end when you’re left with some heavy thoughts to ponder: “What is faith?” “What if Jesus presented himself to us and we thought he was the enemy instead of our Saviour?” “How powerful are words?” “Where is the line between good and evil?” A friend asked me which books to start with if she wants to read Dekker. Some of his books can stand alone, such as Obsessed and Blink but many are connected in one way or another to the Circle Trilogy: Black, Red, White, so I'd start with them.

The Visitation--Frank Peretti
Peretti is always good. The Visitation is no exception. Read my comments about it here.

Dark Lord's Demise--John White, Dale Larsen, Sandy Larsen
I wrote about the book here.

O Rugged Land of Gold--Martha Martin
A pregnant woman must make it through the winter alone on a deserted Alaskan mountainside where her husband found gold. An amazing story of courage and tenacity.

Chicago Healer--Paul H. Boge
The book isn't well written but has such a compelling story that I read it for the third time this year. Chicago Healer gives one Canadian writer's version of what it might look like if the power of the stories in the Book of Acts was available today.

Non-Fiction Read in 2008

Currently Reading (December 5, 2008):
Fire Begets Fire by Dennis Ignatius
Dennis Ignatius, former Malaysian Ambassador to Canada (and other countries before) was the guest speaker at the Manitoba Prayer Breakfast. He is a man who is passionate and on fire for God.

Added December 5, 2008:
The Transformation of the Inner Man by John and Paula Sandford
It looks like there may be an up-dated edition here.
My favourite chapters were the ones on homosexuality and on parental identification.

I am Hutterite: The Fascinating True Story of a Young Woman's Journey to Reclaim her Heritage by Mary-Ann Kirkby
There are a lot of Hutterite colonies on the Canadian prairies and many close to Winnipeg. My mother married an ex-Hutterite in 1984 (now deceased). He was a very gentle man who scrabbled for a living selling vacuum cleaners once he, his first wife and their eight children left the colony with only the clothes they were wearing. I knew him as a man who took great care of my mother, a school principal, preparing meals, keeping the home clean and being a loving homebody.

I am Hutterite is the story of a girl who spent her early years on a colony but whose parents chose to leave when she was in grade school. The book gives a great insight into the joys and tensions of living on a Hutterite colony.

Flight of the Dragonfly: A Mother's Harrowing Journey to Bring her Daughters Home by Melissa Hawach
The book reads like a high-speed spy novel in some sections. Truly a remarkable story of one Calgary woman.

Red Hot Internet Publicity by Penny C. Sansevieri
Sansevieri has some great ideas that I hope to use.


Added August 2008:
The Freedom from Depression Workbook--Carter & Minirth

Prayer Walking: A Journey of Faith --Dan R. Crawford, Calvin Miller

Prayer-Walking: Praying On-Site With Insight --Steve Hawthorne & Graham Kendrick

PrayerWalk: Becoming a Woman of Prayer, Strength, and Discipline--Janet Holm McHenry

Laughing in the Dark: A Comedian's Journey through Depression--Chonda Pierce

God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door--Alan Chambers et al

Desiring God: Meditations by a Christian Hedonist--John Piper

Total Forgiveness: When Everything in you Wants to Hold a Grudge, Point a Finger and Remember the Pain, God wants you to Lay it all Aside by R. T. Kendall
I started reading this in 2007 but didn't finish it till recently.

Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the Long Walk of Faith--Henry Nouwen

A Healing Touch: The Power of Prayer--Melanie Hemry

Back to Jerusalem--Brother Yun et al

The Box: How the Shipping Container Made the World Smaller and the World Economy Bigger by Mark Levinson
See why I chose to read it here.

Complete Works of Oswald Chambers
I've been reading this every morning in my prayer room and often write posts about what God stirs in me from my readings.

Archaeological Study Bible
I read about half an hour every night before going to bed, going cover to cover. When I get to the end, I start again at the beginning. The notes are very informative and interesting.

Most recently updated December 6, 2008

About the Author

DEBBIE HAUGHLAND CHAN
WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA

I'm married (35 years in December 2008) with four grown sons. I love my city (Winnipeg) and my country (Canada) and promote them both to whoever will listen. God (through Jesus Christ) is the biggest part of my life. I am learning to let him take control of all areas--though I do better at this some times more than others.

I have written a book that's recently been published about part of my journey with God. In it I tell how God confronted me with the same-sex attraction issues I've struggled with all my adult life and how he led me through them to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with him. God is amazing—his forgiveness, his love, his movement in our lives when we allow him and so much more. I suspect God will never run out of things to teach me or ways to make me grow and that’s a good thing (though often very painful).

I suppose I can say that what gives me the greatest pleasure in life is telling others about the God I know so that they too can experience his life-changing power. That’s why I wrote the book and it’s why I have this blog. If you have comments or thoughts on what you read (especially if they are good ones), I’d love to hear from you.


Note: Debbie Haughland (pronounced “Holland”) Chan is available for speaking engagements. For more information e-mail debbiehaughland@gmail.com

Page last updated December 13, 2008

Searching for Love: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Same-Sex Attraction

“I knew a change had happened. For perhaps the first time ever, I was able to experience the intensity of my feelings without crossing the line into forbidden thoughts. There was no battle, struggle or temptation. It just was.”

Journey to Healing and Wholeness.

Others admired her faith but only when she publicly admitted her hidden sin did she find God’s power to heal. Searching for Love tells the story of a Christian torn between God and her desires, unsure at times which she wanted to win; of how God and his people walked her through her pain and drew her to God’s love. Regardless of your struggle, you too can find this love and healing.

• “I was hooked from the very first word. I even burnt dinner.”
• “Filled with raw emotion.”
• “You have altered my perception of God. Thanks for steering me back onto my path.”
• “So many references to Scripture and other sources!”

Excerpt from book
To Order
Reviews


Page updated December 21, 2008

"Because I Err!"

"I like them to talk nonsense. That's man's one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to the truth! I am a man because I err! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred and fourteen." --Fyodor Dostoevsky (Russian novelist)

The Oaken Door

She stands, pounding on the thick, rounded, oaken door with both fists. She pounds some more and then more again. It does not open. No one cares. She’s all alone.

Three look down. “Why don’t we open it for her? We say, ‘Ask! Seek! Knock!’ but she’s been doing this for years and the door stays closed.”

“It’s not yet time.”

“Not yet time? She’s lived more than half her life. When?”

“Watch!”

The little girl sits on the unfinished wooden stairs, away from the adults, holding a book she treasures but cannot read. She imagines the stories of the pictures, fills them with herself and wonders.

“She is so peaceful in her hiding place. But look! Someone is angry. He is grabbing the book from her and sending her outside. That’s not right! She’s not bothering anyone. Why take it?”

Unseen, but deeply felt, a giant eagle swoops to the little girl, grabs her chest with its talons and takes her organs as it flees. The Three can hear her thoughts: “I’m not allowed to want things. Anything that’s precious is taken away. I try to be perfect but it does no good. I’m not wanted. I don’t matter. Why won’t someone love me?”

“She’s pasting a sweet smile on her face for the adults but she’s torn apart, longing for a smile inside too.”

“She’s a brave little one, to be sure.”

The Three watch the year before. The little girl is excited. A baby has come to the family, a brother for her to shower with love and smother with kisses. As she does so, rough hands take him away.

“She never sees her brother again, does she?”

“No. He’s sent to another family far away.”

“But, but....”

“I know. The pain is unbearable for her; for her mother too. She’s afraid she will be next if she’s not good enough.”

They listen to her thoughts as they echo through time and space: “I have to perform. I can’t just be. When I’m not perfect, nobody likes me or wants me.”

She who pounds on the door watches as the little girl is sucked into a black hole. She sees the presence of the Three. They should be enough, she knows, but the little girl and the woman together scream in deafened silence, “It’s not enough! I want real people to love and care and hold and want me!”

“I can’t stand this! Can’t we do something?”

“Yes. Watch!”

Quietly and unseen, the One above all stands behind she who’s at the door, wraps his arms around her and holds her close. He holds her closer still, until his body envelopes hers, arm for arm and leg for leg. This time, unseeing, she knows. Though the door stays closed and the pain persists, as she is enveloped, the burden lightens; when she moves away, the burden grows. She can wait for the door to open. To wait brings glory to the One who holds her as a glove.

Previous Story | Next Story

Do I Matter?

God, she isn’t interested in listening to me when I want to try to understand myself or resolve issues of the past. She’s not only disinterested, but flatly refuses. But this is a big part of my life right now. Her shutting me down (or not even letting me start up) feels like an attack against me. Everything in me churned and twisted when she repeated her stance: "Any further time I would spend on it would be time wasted; it's all so futile and frustrating for me when I listen to you."

I feel abandoned, not wanted, my stuff isn’t important. I listen to her and engage with her without judgement, but she won’t do the same for me. So what kind of friend is she? Does it all have to go according to her agenda? I’m not wanted. I’m not loved. I’m not valued. What’s important to me doesn’t matter. She might as well say she doesn’t want to be my friend because it feels like it amounts to the same thing.

I have to own my feelings. It’s my problem that I feel abandoned, unwanted, not valued, unimportant, unloved, not hers. I’m so angry that she puts me into such a place. I’m angry that she doesn’t treat me with value. If I didn’t feel angry, I’d be walked all over.

The memory that keeps coming back is Cynthia’s “party” to make collars and being shut out.

It was a day of excitement. Cynthia was inviting a bunch of girls to her place to make collars and I was invited. I don’t remember why I took my sister Susan along. Did I want her companionship or was I “forced” to by my mom?

We all left school together. Cynthia’s home was on Maryland Street—a large, beautiful home with a spacious front porch. We went directly up to her bedroom—a room much larger than our living room at home. I was very curious about this collar making.

For some reason, Cynthia invited all the other girls into her walk-in closet, excluding Susan and I who sat on her bed, waiting for the girls to rejoin us. We could hear giggling and laughter but no one emerged or tried to include us. After an interminable wait, we got up and left.

I was in grade two and the memory still evokes pain. Cynthia and her (and supposedly my) friends didn’t want me. They cruelly excluded me and made their distaste for me undeniably clear.

I don’t see a lie here. I was unwanted. God, what do you want me to know? I’ve been unwanted on many levels by many people all my life. The lie is that I don’t matter, that I don’t have value, that I have no importance. God, what do you want to show me about that? God, I want to matter; but who do I matter to? You, my kids, Tom. I matter to lots of people, I suppose.

Why don’t I feel it? Why do I feel so unwanted and alone? I want to be held and loved. I want to know that everything is okay, but it isn’t. There is no one who accepts me just as I am and wants to spend time with me. One will spend time with me, but doesn’t accept me for who I am and where I am. Others love and accept me for who I am but they’re rarely available.

Okay, so on some level I matter but not in the way I need or want. Is there something wrong with me to want what no one seems willing to give? No one but Pearl. She gave both. The one person who loved me, accepted me and wanted to be with me. And you told me to walk away from her. I know I matter to you, you love me and you’ll spend all the time of eternity with me if I’m willing, but I need a human to love me. I need to matter to a human being. You yourself said that it is not good for man to be alone. There are people all around me at home, church, online but I feel so alone; like garbage to be tossed or an appliance that gets ignored except when needed.

You have plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. You have prepared a highway for me to travel on, levelling the hills and filling in the valleys.

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.

A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.” Isaiah 40:1-4 NIV

[God] gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV

Hanny shared a picture she received when she first joined us. The picture was of God making a huge highway before me—just for me; a bulldozer going ahead with an enormously bright light, removing the boulders that were in the way....

What God seemed to be saying to me was that my existence would glorify God when he had levelled the ground in my life and put through his highway. What Hanny’s vision seemed to indicate was God was building that highway right then! The rest of verse five, “…and all mankind together will see it,” was a promise that God’s glory would be evident in me. How exciting!” Searching for Love, p. 61, 62.

I matter to you. I matter enough to you that you have been making a huge highway before me just for me. I matter enough that you have chosen me to glorify you. My very existence matters to you because my very existence brings you glory—just from me being me, enveloped by you.

“Here is my warrior.” Even at birth, I mattered. The pain is to shape me, mould me, refine me, make me ... what?

“...We will fill her life with pain, sorrow and hardship. We will do this so she will become strong and unafraid. She will be hardened as diamonds and soft as pure gold.” ("Here is My Warrior")

Strong and unafraid. Why, God?

“There now, little one. You are safe. I am protecting you. I will not let you go. Your pain hurts me too and I am angry at the sin that makes this necessary. This must be, but I am with you. It will never be more than you can bear. I hold you now and whenever the pain comes, I want you to choose my arms as your place of safety.” ("Here is My Warrior")

Your arms are the only safe place, aren’t they?

“She will feel abandoned, neglected, unwanted. She will choose to withdraw from others and walk alone.

“Alone? She’s just turned four!”

“Yes. She will hurt because of her choice, yet forget she made it.” ("Stepping Stones Oases")

I am alone because I have made that choice. I have withdrawn from others. I don’t need to withdraw and I don’t need to be alone. How do I not withdraw in my pain?

The pain has breaks, the danger safety, aloneness love. Light, filling the room, pours into her—a solar panel absorbing the Presence for later need. ("Stepping Stones Oases")

"You are who I made you to be. You are in me, hidden in my presence. I am your Protector, your Shield, your Fortress." ("Enveloped")

She cannot make it right--not for father, not for sister, not for son--but she has never been alone. ("Enveloped")

You have given me places of safety, the biggest being you and your presence. I have never been alone. Thank you.