Skip to main content

Saint by Ted Dekker--Love

Another topic that hit me in this book is the connection of worthlessness to the ability to give or receive love. I see myself being described here:
"I think I know what he meant," Kelly said. "You don't feel loved. Your mind is too preoccupied with your own worthlessness to accept love."

"I know that you love me. How can you say that I can't accept love?"

"Why do you need to ask me, then?"

"To know, to really know."

"Exactly. Because you're unsure."

"I wanted to hear you say it."

"Why? To reassure yourself, which is the same as asking to know. You can't believe I love you because you're absolutely certain that you're unlovable." (p.298)
Is this why I've spent so many years thinking my husband doesn't love me? I'm beginning to think so. I remember a conference I went to where a styrofoam cup was used to illustrate our capacity to receive love. The speaker held the cup up while pouring water into it. As she continued to pour, the cup was filled and then overflowed. That overflowing is our ability to give love. But what happens if you poke a pencil into the side of the cup? The cup cannot be filled. It can hold some water (love) but never enough. She poked the sides of the cup multiple times with the pencil and even less water stayed in. Finally she pushed out the bottom of the cup. As she poured water into the cup, none stayed. It just passed through.

At the time, I identified with that last state of the cup. I have lived most of my life feeling very unloved but that doesn't mean I haven't been loved, only that I haven't been able to receive it.

What is the solution?
"Is love something you can just turn on with a switch?" Johnny asked.

"Yes, I think so. It can be. It has to be. Is knowledge a switch? Knowledge can turn the world on with a single throw of the switch." Samuel put his hands behind his back and circled to their right. "Do you have the power?"

Johnny stared off into the night, focusing on pile of stones fifty feet away. Not one of them stirred. After a minute he gave up.

"Evidently not."

"Then forget about the power," Samuel said, turning back to the cabin. "Focus on love. True love. Selfless love in your heart."


"Love Kelly, of course." (p.302)
It sounds so easy and yet is so hard. Can I do this? Am I willing to do it?

God, help me!

Return to More Books


Popular posts from this blog

About the Author


I'm married (35 years in December 2008) with four grown sons. I love my city (Winnipeg) and my country (Canada) and promote them both to whoever will listen. God (through Jesus Christ) is the biggest part of my life. I am learning to let him take control of all areas--though I do better at this some times more than others.

I have written a book that's recently been published about part of my journey with God. In it I tell how God confronted me with the same-sex attraction issues I've struggled with all my adult life and how he led me through them to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with him. God is amazing—his forgiveness, his love, his movement in our lives when we allow him and so much more. I suspect God will never run out of things to teach me or ways to make me grow and that’s a good thing (though often very painful).

I suppose I can say that what gives me the greatest pleasure in life is telling others about…

Memories of Mikael Vincent Tien Doe Chan

Reviews of Searching for Love

If you have read the book, I would love to hear your thoughts on it. You may e-mail me at or post them in the comments section below.

A Real Testimony
I finished your book. A real testimony to what God does for us.
Leona March 3, 2009
I Had Tears Coming

I sat down to read it about a week later and ended up finishing it the same night. At first I admit I was a little bored and thought that the whole book was about a battle all in your mind, but as I continued reading this creeping thought came over me of a different...struggle in my own life, that I would never in my right mind have shared with anyone accept maybe God. I've mentioned your book to a few people because it stirs up age-old controversies that I have myself argued and wondered about, namely about whether or not homosexuality can be cured or just managed like alcoholism--you just have to stay away from temptation. I noticed at the end of your book that your struggle story …