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Saint by Ted Dekker--Love

Another topic that hit me in this book is the connection of worthlessness to the ability to give or receive love. I see myself being described here:
"I think I know what he meant," Kelly said. "You don't feel loved. Your mind is too preoccupied with your own worthlessness to accept love."

"I know that you love me. How can you say that I can't accept love?"

"Why do you need to ask me, then?"

"To know, to really know."

"Exactly. Because you're unsure."

"I wanted to hear you say it."

"Why? To reassure yourself, which is the same as asking to know. You can't believe I love you because you're absolutely certain that you're unlovable." (p.298)
Is this why I've spent so many years thinking my husband doesn't love me? I'm beginning to think so. I remember a conference I went to where a styrofoam cup was used to illustrate our capacity to receive love. The speaker held the cup up while pouring water into it. As she continued to pour, the cup was filled and then overflowed. That overflowing is our ability to give love. But what happens if you poke a pencil into the side of the cup? The cup cannot be filled. It can hold some water (love) but never enough. She poked the sides of the cup multiple times with the pencil and even less water stayed in. Finally she pushed out the bottom of the cup. As she poured water into the cup, none stayed. It just passed through.

At the time, I identified with that last state of the cup. I have lived most of my life feeling very unloved but that doesn't mean I haven't been loved, only that I haven't been able to receive it.

What is the solution?
"Is love something you can just turn on with a switch?" Johnny asked.

"Yes, I think so. It can be. It has to be. Is knowledge a switch? Knowledge can turn the world on with a single throw of the switch." Samuel put his hands behind his back and circled to their right. "Do you have the power?"

Johnny stared off into the night, focusing on pile of stones fifty feet away. Not one of them stirred. After a minute he gave up.

"Evidently not."

"Then forget about the power," Samuel said, turning back to the cabin. "Focus on love. True love. Selfless love in your heart."

"How?"

"Love Kelly, of course." (p.302)
It sounds so easy and yet is so hard. Can I do this? Am I willing to do it?

God, help me!


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