Struggles and Strongholds

I've been exploring new blogs and found one with two thought-provoking questions:

My biggest struggle/stronghold is _____________.
My biggest struggle these days is about how I relate to my husband, Tom. I used to think he was the reason for all our problems but I'm beginning to see that at least some (and perhaps many) of the barriers between us have been built by me. I have a big attitude problem and I think the root of it is fear. Not all fear is justified. A lot of it comes out of experiences that have nothing to do with the present.

How would my life look if I no longer struggled with _______? What if I was completely free from ______ through Christ’s power… *Try to give some very specific ways your life would be different if you no longer struggled with your above named stronghold*
So, what would my life be like if I could relate to him in healthier ways? If I could banish the fear and bad attitude? The thought merits scrutiny.

Well, I'd be freer to be me. We'd be closer to each other. We'd probably laugh more, do more things together. We could be an awesome team if I was able to give up my fear, bad attitude and negative ways of relating. We're like two cogs, shaped and designed for each other and yet continually out of gear. An attitude change on my part could do a lot for the relationship.

But I'm scared. Terrified! I remind myself that perfect love has no fear. I obviously don't have perfect love. I remind myself that I've faced my fears in many other situations and have overcome them, so why not here? I also remind myself that God can protect me from all that I fear and if he doesn't, he is there with me, walking me through whatever pain might arise.

I know these truths but there's a broken connection between the believing and the doing. I know I can't fix that connection; at least not by myself. It's going to require God's intervention. My awareness of my difficulty in this is a first step--one that I wouldn't have been able to take a few years ago, maybe even one year ago. So God is changing me. Now, if I can only keep my ears and eyes open for each step he wants to lead me through and trust that he knows what he's doing--something my mind can accept a lot quicker than my heart.

Change my heart oh God!
Make it ever true!
Change my heart oh God,
May I be like you.

You are the Potter, I am the clay.
Mould me and make me,
This is what I pray.

Change my heart oh God,
Make it ever true!
Change my heart oh God,
May I be like you.

Love--God's, Others' and Mine

I just finished reading my son's latest blog entry from a couple of days ago. He quotes Henri Nouwen:

"The love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such. When human relationships prove to be unliveable because you demand that your friends love you in ways that are beyond human capacity, you do not have to deny the reality of the love you received. When you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but to realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love." [The Inner Voice of Reason, p. 28]

That's got me thinking. My "[not so] dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic." This agrees with other things I've read. God gave us this desire to be loved. It is part of being human. We were created to have it.

"It does not have to be denied dangerous and idolatrous." He's still talking about the desire for this kind of love. But what happens when this desire leads one into a dangerous and idolatrous relationship, such as I had with Pearl? What then?

"A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such." Even the love I received from Pearl?

"When human relationships prove to be unliveable because you demand that your friends love you in ways that are beyond human capacity, you do not have to deny the reality of the love you received." My relationship with Pearl proved to be unliveable not because either one of us loved the other in ways "that are beyond human capacity," but because of the way we expressed that love. The problem wasn't that either of us were unable to love in the way the other wanted but rather, that we lived that love in ways that dishonoured God and our husbands. Does the rest of Nouwen's sentence ring true, "you do not have to deny the reality of the love you received"? I think so. The love was real. What then?

"When you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want." Does this mean I was wrong to walk away from her? I don't think so. If I believe in God at all and if I believe that God speaks to his children in various ways, I have to believe that he indeed told me to leave her. So what about Nouwen's statement? Did I try to die to our love for each other in order to find God's love? Well, what does it mean to die to love? If it means to deny it ever existed, then no, I did not. If it means stop loving, I haven't been able to. If it means ending the relationship, then yes, I have tried to die to our love, but it wasn't to find God's love, it was to honour God's love for me over hers.

"The task is...to realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love." The greater love, of course is God's love. God is love and all love comes from him including my love for Pearl and hers for me. What doesn't come from God is the way we distort that love, as Pearl and I did and as many others do as well. The love itself is part of the whole--God is love. The distortions are not.

What are your thoughts?

Expecting Miracles

Expecting Miracles: True Stories of God's Supernatural Power and How You Can Experience It by Heidi Baker and Rolland Baker was a disappointment. It was interesting enough that I read through to the end, but it was simply a series of blog posts that seemed very matter-of-fact. I guess I expected more drama or at least a dramatic telling of miracles. It's hard to catch the awesomeness of miracles when they are blithely covered in a single sentence such as "The God who has raised at least 53 people from the dead among our churches in Africa...." p. 89

Their work is extensive--based in Mozambique but spreading around the world--and includes the caring for hundreds of orphaned children, preaching, healing and more. They come with high recommendations from people like James Goll, Jackie Pullinger and John Arnott; and when I mentioned the book to a friend, she was very familiar with who the authors are and what they are doing and had the highest praise for them. It's too bad this isn't reflected better in their book.

Still, there were some good things in the book that I would like to share:

"God has prepared the way in exceptional circumstances through the favor of a godly reputation." p. 25

What is my reputation? Would it favour God? Would it favour me? Or would it bring disfavour? Something to ponder.

"Spiritually speaking, most believers in the West live on junk food: cotton candy, Diet Coke, Twinkies. This is all they ever eat, yet they complain they are tired. Why are they tired? Because they are trying to live on junk food! Why do people try to survive on junk when God has laid out a feast for us to eat?" p. 48

What kind of spiritual food am I eating, junk or a nutritious feast?

"God is not about using the mighty, but the willing.... God is not looking for extraordinary, exceptionally gifted people, just laid-down lovers of Jesus who will carry his glory with transparency and not take it for themselves." p. 68

How willing am I?

"Never reduce your theology to your experience." p. 97

Just because I haven't experienced something, and no one I know has, doesn't mean God isn't in it.

"A young Harvard student named Matteus came up in our meeting and said, 'I want to meet the God whom Heidi speaks of, but my mind is too strong." So we prayed for him that his heart would become bigger than his mind!" p. 107

And God did. It sounds like a prayer I need to be praying for myself.

"We will preach with all our strength to those who will listen, those who will receive, those who know they need Him." p.130

This matches what Jesus told his disciples when he sent them out. They were to go to the willing and receptive and where the people were not, they were to retract their blessings, shake the dust off their clothes and go elsewhere.

"As in China, believers need to build a reputation for being the best citizens, the most reliable, honest, hard-working people around who will be good for the country." p. 147

This comes back to the first quote and question: What kind of a reputation am I building? Does it attract people to God or drive them away?

"We have to stop looking at our lunch (because it is kind of pitiful) and look at God! Stop looking at your limited resources and start looking at the One who can multiply them. Stop looking at your life and thinking how insignificant it looks! Yield it to God, fully, completely, and allow Him to multiply it." p. 174

The "lunch" is a reference to the little boy's lunch Jesus used to feed several thousant people. Often we're like that lunch--awfully small and insignificant--but God can use anything and anyone that is put willingly into his hands.

"We find our greatest liberty at the point of His most complete control, where we are set free by His Spirit to do what is most spectacularly, ravishingly perfect."

What a paradox! Yet I know it to be true. I am far freer when under God's control than when I'm in rebellion or apathy towards him.

Previous | Next

Return to More Books

Return to Non-Fiction Books Read in 2009

"That's me!"

Can you imagine the problems there must be when all (or most of) the women in a country wear the same thing with only their eyes showing? I follow the blog of an American woman, married to a Lebanese who lives and works in Kuwait. She says it's amazing how little kids know every time, which woman is their mom. Check out her blog. It's very informative. I really enjoyed this picture and the post that went with it, which you can find here.

Hear Our Prayer, Oh Lord!

I'm remembering the choral response that was sung after the pastoral prayer every week at church:

Hear our prayer, oh Lord!
Hear our prayer, oh Lord!
Incline thine ear to us
And grant us thy peace.
Amen.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I didn’t grow up in a liturgical church and the church I attend now most certainly isn’t liturgical but there is something about the traditions of Christianity that appeals to me. The Church calendar is a way of keeping before us the story of Jesus, the story of the Church throughout the ages and the need for repentance and sorrow as well as for joy and celebration. I don’t always observe Lent but this year I would like to.

I like Wikipedia’s explanation of the day because it doesn’t assume the reader knows anything about it and it includes a variety of perspectives and ways of observing the day. In Bible times, fasting, sackcloth and ashes were an integral part of grieving (Wikipedia references Job 42:3-6, Numbers 19:9, 19:17, Jonah 3:6, Matthew 11:21, and Hebrews 9:13), so it’s no surprise that early Christian leaders chose ashes as a way to symbolise our grief and sorrow at the ways we have turned from God.

In some traditions, palm branches from the previous year’s Palm Sunday are burned to provide the needed ashes which are then mixed with oil or water. The priest, pastor or designated layperson applies it to the foreheads of those willing in the shape of a cross as an outward expression of inner sorrow and repentance. The ashes are not washed off until after sunset.

Ash Wednesday is about repentance and though, admittedly, repentance should not be confined to one day a year, it is good to have this reminder of our need to repent. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God but in the busyness of our lives, it is easy to forget just how short of God’s glory we fall. It is useful to have a day to sit and take inventory of our lives—in both thoughts and deeds.


God, I want to live a life of repentance, a life of continually turning to you. It seems I perpetually turn away from you, God, and I don’t like it. Thank you for a day specifically set aside to ponder these turnings and to once again affirm that I choose to turn to you.

Where's the Dialogue and Understanding?

Dialogue between Christians who affirm homosexuality and those who don't "has to be open and it has to be honest....Ideally, we come together and understand each other before the end of the day -- or however long it takes." So Soulforce member Jarrett Lucas is purported to have said to Trading Markets.com October 2, 2008. Soulforce is a gay activist group who was touring various Christian schools to gain support for their point of view.

I agree. We need to be able to dialogue about these things and, even when we come to different conclusions, to treat the other side with respect. Sadly, that isn't happening.

ProtectMarriage.com on October 13, 2008 reported that a supporter of the Californian Proposition 8, distributing lawn signs, was attacked by someone who accused him of being against gays. The victim needed 16 stitches under his eye. Is this how we come together and understand each other?

According to Exodus International, NBC-4 of Maryland reported that students who wanted to donate books to West Springfield High School's library that "promote an evangelical Christian perspective on homosexuality" were refused. One student claimed that the librarian didn't even look at the books. Is this how we come together and understand each other?

To be sure, these articles are five months old and those who believe that homosexual behaviour is wrong have also been disrespectful and belligerent. Why can't both sides treat the other with respect and dignity, despite opposing views? Why can't both sides have their perspectives available in public facilities such as public schools and public libraries? What happened to free speech and the right to choose one's own beliefs?

To End All Wars

Life was brutal in the prisoner of war camps carved out of the jungles of south-east Asia. The Japanese treated their captives as expendable, forcing them into harsh and dangerous labour fueled by scant rations of rice and little else. More than a quarter of all prisoners of war held captive by the Japanese died while interned.

The morale of the living was non-existent as "death called to [them] from every direction." Starvation, exhaustion and disease degraded the men to selfishness, hate, fear and despair.

The prisoners were stripped of their humanity and reduced "to levels lower than the beasts," until one man set an example for them all. His friend was sick and dying so he starved himself to give his own food to the friend. The friend became well but the man died, having given his very life for his friend. From his example, the officers began to use what resources they had to help the sick, at a loss to themselves.

The climate of the camp shifted.

Selfishness, hatred, envy, jealously, greed, self-indulgence, laziness and pride were all anti-life. Love, heroism, self-sacrifice, sympathy, mercy, integrity and creative faith, on the other hand, were the essence of life...."

Generosity bred generosity until the camp was humming with life and the creativity of an orchestra, theatre, university and well-attended church services, each man using his gifts to serve others. They "regained respect for [themselves] because human life had value once more." Attitudes were changing as men were saying, "You first," instead of "Me first."

Men were thinking some of the deep questions of life, such as "What does it mean to be a follower of Christ?" "What does forgiveness look like when one's captors treat life with disrespect?"

Forgiveness is seeing a trainful of your enemy wounded and uncared for, "more cowed and defeated than we had ever been," and choosing to share meager rations and water, cleaning their wounds and speaking kindly to them.

Our experience of life in death had taught us that the way to life leads through death. To see Jesus was to see in Him that love which is the very highest form of life, that love which has sacrifice as the logical end of its action. To hang on to life, to guard it jealously, to preserve it, is to end up by burying it. Each of us must die to the physical life of selfishness, the life controlled by our hates, fears, lusts and prejudices in order to live in the flesh the life that is of the spirit. This is a basic law that cannot be broken except at great cost.

I find myself convicted. How much do I pursue my comforts and needs at the expense of not meeting that of others? How much of myself am I willing to give away? How much am I controlled by my hates, fears, lusts and prejudices? I think of an elderly widow I know who seems to suck the life out of anyone who tries to help her. I think of the street people who come to my church during the week for warmth, food and friendship. I think of the barriers I've built for self-protection. Am I willing "to live in the flesh the life that is of the spirit"? It seems I must.



All quotes from To End All Wars by Ernest Gordon, published by Zondervan (Grand Rapids, Michigan) 2002. (Previously published as Through the Valley of the Kwai in 1963and Miracle on the River Kwai in 1965.)

Previous | Next

Return to More Books

Return to Non-Fiction Books Read in 2009

Seeking God in Silence

Last night I agreed to speak at a women’s retreat in May. When I told the organizer about my experience with contemplative/centering prayer, she expressed an interest in the women trying this method of coming before God.

The idea is to sit in silence and stillness before God in both mind and body. So, this morning, when I opened Connecting with God: A Spiritual Formation Guide and saw the title of the chapter I’m starting today, I smiled to myself at how God brings things together. The title? “Seeking God in Silence.”

In the fifteenth century, Thomas à Kempis wrote:

In silence and peace a devout soul makes progress and learns the secrets of the scriptures. Only in silence and peace does a devout soul find floods of tears in which it may wash and cleanse itself each night. The further the soul is from the noise of the world, the closer it may be to its Creator, for God, with his holy angels, will draw close to a person who seeks solitude and silence.*

The authors of Connecting with God suggest spending ten minutes a day in quiet solitude—no reading, looking out the window or reviewing the day’s agenda. Simply sit in a comfortable chair, close your eyes and silently repeat a truth about God or a short phrase or sentence from the Bible: “You love me!” “You are my strong tower.” “In the beginning was the Word.” “You are with me.” There are many more. This repetition helps clear the clutter out of your mind and puts your focus on God. Use this time to experience God’s presence, being open to whatever he may want to say or do in you or for you. Wait on him with expectancy.

“… the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.” Habakkuk 2:20 NIV



*Quoted in Connecting with God: A Spiritual Formation Guide by Renovaré. [page 63, 64]

God in Circumstances

The assignment in my reading of "Perceiving God in Circumstances" in Connecting with God says to interview a couple of people with the following questions and then to answer them myself. I'm going to do it a bit differently. I will answer the questions here and then invite you to copy the questions, erase my answers and put in your own answers (they don't have to be as long as mine) in the comments or, if you want to put them on your own site, give a link in the comments and link back to here.

1. How did you choose your vocation?
   I suppose I've had a number of vocations in my life. My current one is writing. I started a diary shortly after my eighth birthday but it was Dwight Rose, my teacher for grades nine and ten, who aroused in me a love of writing by the way he taught the subject and corrected our work. A few years after I returned to God I picked up my writing again but only for the purpose of journalling, praying and studying my Bible. I had a sense then that God might want to use my writing but I didn't have a clue how that would come about.
   
   Twenty years later, I joined an online Christian community. That was a gift from God to my desperate cry that I had no friends. As I shared my life and my experiences with my new friends, I began to get feedback about my ability to write. This affirmation had me put more effort into shaping what I wrote so that when someone started talking about the National Novelists Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I decided I would take a stab at writing something longer than a forum's post. I wasn't writing a novel, but the beginning of Searching for Love.
   
   It was hard to find a publisher but I was willing to wait for God's timing. During that waiting period, Joe Dallas came to Winnipeg. During one of the breaks of the day-long seminar, I went to him and asked his advice about my book. He suggested making it available online and so I started a website (now closed) that included both my book, a short version of the story in the book and a blog. I also joined an online writers' group and was able to get useful feedback on the things I wrote.
   
   God keeps opening doors for me in regards to writing and for that I am grateful. I have made a commitment to him that I will use my skill in writing for his glory and honour.
   
   
2. What training did you get that prepared you for your job?
   Just the training I described above. I had excellent teachers of English in grades ten and twelve. I also took a short community course on writing that opened my eyes to ideas and possibilities but that's about all. I think when we really enjoy doing something, get positive comments from what we do and do it often, we build our skills. Of course, nothing beats having God's hand on one's interests, abilities and occupations.
   
   
   
3. How do you go about seeing the hand of God in your circumstances?
   I don't know when, how or why I started doing this, but I see God in pretty much everything around me. Even in unpleasant things I see God's hand. In the past few years I've kept symbols and mementos of God's work in my life and I keep these symbols in my prayer room to remind me of all he has done. Some symbols, like the dragonfly and waterlily, have become incorporated into the decor of our home.
   
   Leanne Payne talks about practicing the presence of God. I think that when we do this, we make an intentional effort to bring or see God in every part of our day. I've also had fun experimenting with listening to God. For instance, I will start driving (or walking) and ask God to show me where he wants me to go, who he wants me to encounter and/or what he wants me to do. When one begins doing this, she keeps alert to what God is doing and is watching for his presence. He rarely disappoints.
   
   
   
4. Was there ever a time when you thought God was not involved in what you did?
   I think so, when I was younger, though I really can't remember. Even in the years where I didn't follow God, I was aware of his presence. I am very grateful for the spiritual and Biblical training I was given as a child, beginning with my preschool years and continuing until the end of high school. God was an integral part of my life and I loved him dearly (though I haven't always liked the things he told me to do).
   

How to Receive Love

Good morning, friends!

I use iGoogle for my home page and one of the many gadgets I have is the "How to of the Day." I usually ignore most of the gadgets but today one "how to" jumped out at me: "How to Receive Love." Usually the "how to," provided by wikiHow, has instructions for more concrete things like "How to Use a Bench Top Bandsaw" or "How to Make Candy Airplanes," so "How to Receive Love" is an unexpected thing to find. It caught my eye because I've been becoming more and more aware of the difficulty I have in doing this.

How does someone receive love? Perhaps a better question to ask is, "Why do people have difficulty receiving love?" This wikiHow explains:

When it is hard to receive love for fear of the consequence of letting down your defenses, it might be that you are hiding behind cynicism, pride, or trying to remain too emotionally strong, so that you don't have to face the possible hurts that loving might bring or facing aspects about yourself that you don't like.

No one could ever accuse me of being too emotionally strong, but proud? I don't think so, but that's something that's hard to determine about oneself in an objective manner. Cynical? Definitely. But how does one stop being cynical? I notice that wikiHow has instructions on how to be cynical, but not on how to stop. Perhaps in learning to receive love, one can lose their cynicism. What are the steps?

1. "Trust people who tell you that they love you." Can one turn trust on on command? I'm not sure I can.
2. "Stop fearing loss." This is referring to the loss of love from others, such as the loss of friendships, something I've experienced much of. How does one stop fear? Hmmm. By choosing to step into the place of fear despite all the chemicals in your body telling you to flee.
3. "Love yourself." They say this is the hardest.
4. "Let love in and don't block it." I do block it. I'm afraid to believe it is real.
   
5. "Beware the voices of societal negativity." I feel uncomfortable when someone praises me or says something good about me to my face. I like hearing them, but I'm afraid of appearing proud. The authors say to embrace compliments and other indicators of love and caring.
6. "Show love." A friend and I were discussing that recently. I always thought that I was good at this but I'm beginning to realize that I'm not at all. In some relationships I have built such thick, high walls of self-protection that the love I show is minimal. Not good.
7. "Watch the experts at receiving love." Ah! I had an e-mail this morning about this. I subscribe to "The Generous Wife" tip of the day and today's tip was for couples to find one or more other couples who have obvious love for each other and spend time with them. It's an excellent way to watch the "experts."

Perhaps you have the same difficulty as I do. With God, all things are possible, even learning to receive love.

God, I'm not so good at this receiving love thing as I used to think. In fact, I think I push it away. Help me loosen my grip on cynicism and be willing to take the love of others at face value. Help me to trust you, even if I have trouble trusting the person who claims to love. I can trust you to take care of my safety in relationships. Thank you. So be it.

The God of Evil

"...there is no situation--no breakage, no loss, no grief, no sin, no mess--so dreadful that out of it God cannot bring good, total good, not just "spiritual" good, if we will allow him to."*

Catherine Marshall wrote this after her beloved husband died unexpectedly at 46 years of age. That knowledge and belief was neither an immediate thought upon his death nor an easy thing to accept but she kept her ears open to God during her grief and listened to what he told her.

One thing she did at God's request was to list everything in her life "that seems less than good, that you would like to see changed." She filled five pages. Then God told her to praise him for every item on the list.

Wow! I tried that just now and though I was able to praise God despite the bad things, I found it hard, if not impossible, to praise him for the bad things. How does one do that?

Marshall had trouble with this too. When she asked God about it, he answered, "I am Lord over all--good and evil. You start praising. I'll supply the understanding."

The section I'm currently reading in Connecting with God is about "Perceiving God in Circumstances." Do we see God only in the good we experience, or are we able to see God in the painful, the hurtful, the ugly, the inconvenient, the tragic? The more we are able to see God at work, even in the evil and unwelcome, the more we'll be able to participate with him in his work.

Lord, open my eyes, please, so that I can see your hand in all things around me. Thank you that you are in control of everything and that you make all things work together for good for those who love you. So be it.



*Catherine Marshall as quoted in Connecting with God: A Spiritual Formation Guide by Renovaré. (p.58, 59)

House: The Only Way Out is In by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker

I love novels that make me think. House is one such book. Two couples become stranded at night on a back road in Arkansas. The inn in which they take refuge turns into a house that seems alive as it changes its inner configuration at will. Consider the following quotes and the questions they aroused in me:

She'd been abused as a child, but as an adult she'd embraced that abuse by becoming an active participant. (p.325)

How does one embrace their childhood abuse as an adult? How was she an active participant? How does one stop embracing the abuse and ending her current participation in past events?

She'd become promiscuous and inviting, and she thrived on the power that she held over men. More importantly, she allowed that power to shape her identity.... She didn't hate Pete or what he'd done to her. In fact, in many ways she was Pete. (p.325)

What power have I allowed to shape my identity? How am I like the one who has hurt me the most? In what ways? How can I change that?

"This house is mirroring our hearts." He blinked.

"It's drawing its power from the evil in us! ...We're caught in a basement that's been empowered...to reflect the evil in our hearts!"

"We've been fighting our own hearts?"

"No...the evil in your hearts." (p.329)

How is the evil in my heart being reflected? What power is drawing from the evil in my heart?

"It draws most of its power from you. We've been over this. Accept it, Jack. You're at the heart of the battle between good and evil.... It's not just what you do, it's who you are. You've got to change who you are." (p.341)

If I'm at the heart of the battle between good and evil in me, how do I change myself? Can I?

Jack's second concern was a dread that came from his still-dawning realization that the threat facing him was somehow coming from him. From his own heart. (p.345)

I think this has been one of my greatest fears. Could I be my own biggest threat? Can I face that possibility? If it's true, what can I do about it?

These are some of the questions I'm asking myself because of House. What questions does it arouse in you?

Return to More Books

Return to Fiction Read in 2009

Revealing our Doubt, Despair, Sadness and Fear

“Ministry is...a mutual experience.... [Jesus] wants Peter to feed his sheep and care for them, not as ‘professionals’ who know their clients’ problems and take care of them, but as vulnerable brothers and sisters who know and are known, who care and are cared for, who forgive and are being forgiven, who love and are being loved.... Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life.”*

This is a difficult thing to do. Most of us don’t want others to see our doubts, despair, sadness and fear. We cover them up because we’re afraid they disqualify us from any role of leadership or ministry. But we are all fallen, broken sinners. The Bible portrays its heroes as flawed people, yet they were given mighty roles in God’s mission for his people. Surely God knew what he was doing.

I’ve been taking a course on a form of prayer that requires the recipients of prayer to be vulnerable and open about their inner lives. As I watch the leaders there I see them as people who are willing to be in either chair—pray-er or prayee. Two nights ago, in fact, one of the trainees was assigned to pray for one of the top leaders. What an example of servant-leadership! I also watch the pastors and leaders of my church living this way and admire them for it. They are far more approachable than those surrounded by an aura of perfection.

I’ve experienced the truth of this in my own life. When I’m willing to talk about my failings and my struggles, it frees others to do the same—and they do. Invariably, when I talk about my struggles with same-sex attraction, someone will come to me to confide that they too have this problem. Why? They know I’m safe because I’ve been there. They know I will have compassion and mercy instead of judgement and condemnation. How can we bear each others’ burdens if we never know what they are?

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10

*In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri J. M. Nouwen. Page 61.

Saint by Ted Dekker--Love

Another topic that hit me in this book is the connection of worthlessness to the ability to give or receive love. I see myself being described here:

"I think I know what he meant," Kelly said. "You don't feel loved. Your mind is too preoccupied with your own worthlessness to accept love."

"I know that you love me. How can you say that I can't accept love?"

"Why do you need to ask me, then?"

"To know, to really know."

"Exactly. Because you're unsure."

"I wanted to hear you say it."

"Why? To reassure yourself, which is the same as asking to know. You can't believe I love you because you're absolutely certain that you're unlovable." (p.298)

Is this why I've spent so many years thinking my husband doesn't love me? I'm beginning to think so. I remember a conference I went to where a styrofoam cup was used to illustrate our capacity to receive love. The speaker held the cup up while pouring water into it. As she continued to pour, the cup was filled and then overflowed. That overflowing is our ability to give love. But what happens if you poke a pencil into the side of the cup? The cup cannot be filled. It can hold some water (love) but never enough. She poked the sides of the cup multiple times with the pencil and even less water stayed in. Finally she pushed out the bottom of the cup. As she poured water into the cup, none stayed. It just passed through.

At the time, I identified with that last state of the cup. I have lived most of my life feeling very unloved but that doesn't mean I haven't been loved, only that I haven't been able to receive it.

What is the solution?

"Is love something you can just turn on with a switch?" Johnny asked.

"Yes, I think so. It can be. It has to be. Is knowledge a switch? Knowledge can turn the world on with a single throw of the switch." Samuel put his hands behind his back and circled to their right. "Do you have the power?"

Johnny stared off into the night, focusing on pile of stones fifty feet away. Not one of them stirred. After a minute he gave up.

"Evidently not."

"Then forget about the power," Samuel said, turning back to the cabin. "Focus on love. True love. Selfless love in your heart."

"How?"

"Love Kelly, of course." (p.302)

It sounds so easy and yet is so hard. Can I do this? Am I willing to do it?

God, help me!

Return to More Books

Return to Fiction Read in 2009

Saint by Ted Dekker--Imagination

Of the books I bought last weekend, I said Saint would be the first I would read and it was. I finished it yesterday. What an incredible story! I want more. Thankfully, there are sequels.

Carl has lost all identity except what has been fed to him through the manipulation of drugs, torture and the intensive demands of two people who hold his life in his hands. He's being trained to be an assassin--the best in the world. If he succeeds, he lives. If he fails, he dies. He cannot fail.

Towards the end, I found some thoughts to ponder.

"The day a faith loses imagination is the day it dies." (p.282)

It's an interesting idea. Is my faith in God dependent on imagination? If so, what would that imagination entail? How would it be exercised? Leanne Payne talks about the importance of having a "holy imagination," something we use to "practice the presence of God." What would happen to faith if one had no imagination? Children are full of imagination. Is that why Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven?

"Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they're comfortable in their new skin."(p.282)

Sobering thought. I've been there in the past and I never want to be again. I think Dekker has a point about our need for imagination to keep faith alive. How's your imagination?

Return to More Books

Return to Fiction Read in 2009

More Books

I have a hard time resisting good books and I just finished spending an entire weekend promoting my own book in YWAM's bookstore at Missionfest in Manitoba. The cool thing about books for sale at Missionfest is that they are books often not available in regular Christian bookstores so this is a good opportunity to stock up on books with a missions theme. While that's true, YWAM has more than just books on missions so I got a varied selection.

House: The Only Way Out is In by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker
Both are excellent authors so this has to be a good book.
Thoughts after reading.

Saint by Ted Dekker
"I'm a captive, deep inside Hungary--no one knows I'm here. I can put a bullet into a ten-inch target at 3,000 yards. They tell me that I'm the best sniper in the world. Sometimes I sit in my dark hole for days without moving so that they don't hurt me. I can kill a man with my bare hands. I only know a few things about myself. My name is Carl. They call me Saint." Intriguing! I might start this one tonight.
Thoughts after reading 1
Thoughts after reading 2

Vanya: A True Story by Myrna Grant
"This is the true story of Ivan (Vanya) Moiseyev, a soldier in the Soviet Red Army who was ruthlessly persecuted and incarcerated for his faith. Through two years of trial and torture, he never denied his Savior, and he never hestitated to share the gospel with anyone who would listen. Twenty years after his martyrdom, Vanya's powerful testimony--which included angelic visitations and a miraculous appearance of the apostle John--continues to change lives." A young man in the bookstore while I was there said that this is the best book he ever read. You can't get a recommendation higher than that!

To End all Wars: A True Story about the Will to Survive and the Courage to Forgive by Ernest Gordon
"Waking from a dream, I suddenly realized where I was: in the Death House--in a prison camp by the River Kwai. I was a prisoner of war, lying among the dead, waiting for the bodies to be carried away so that I might have more room." I have a particular passion for World War II stories.
Thoughts after reading

Chasing the Dragon: One Woman's Struggle against the Darkness of Hong Kong's Drug Dens by Jackie Pullinger
I first learned of Jackie Pullinger in 1989 when Tom and I took our four young sons (ages 2-9) to Hong Kong for a family reunion (Tom grew up in Hong Kong). During our six weeks there, I had one day to myself and went looking for some of the things Tom would never consider important on such a trip, such as Afternoon Tea in an elegant hotel dining room. This particular hotel had a small gift shop and one book caught my eye. It was about the Walled City in the New Territories of Hong Kong, a square mile of land that had become, in effect, one large building of rabbit warrens where no law but crime reigned. Into that most dangerous of places, Jackie Pullinger, a 20-year-old newly arrived from Britain, entered and began an incredible ministry that continues to this day, over 40 years later.

The book I bought that day was full of photos and told some of her story. A few years later, she came to Winnipeg for a conference sponsored by the Vineyard church I am now attending. I didn't miss a session and was strongly impacted by what I heard, saw and experienced. A number of years after that I bought Chasing the Dragon for a friend, knowing it to be good even though I hadn't read it. Now, finally, I have a copy for myself. I expect to be challenged in many ways by what she has to say.

Expecting Miracles: True Stories of God's Supernatural Power and How you can Experience It by Heidi Baker and Rolland Baker
Is it possible to see real and astonishing miracles today? Many say it is. What would it be like to be part of that kind of work of God? I am hungry to see as much of God as he chooses to reveal to me, including his miraculous power. Authors who have given praise to this book include James Goll and Jackie Pullinger--Christians who hold out to me the possibilities of something more in my walk with God.
Thoughts after reading

Finally, A Spiritual Formation Journal created by Jana Rea with Richard Foster.
I've been collecting books produced by Renovaré because spiritual renewal is something that matters greatly to me. The book is meant to be written in and I usually write on my computer instead of with a pen, but at the very low price I paid for it, I figured the ideas, thoughts, suggestions and quotes would be beneficial. If I keep it clean, perhaps I can pass it on to someone else who does use pen and paper.

I know I have a lot of other unread books waiting to be picked up but many of them require a lot of thinking, praying and engagement--which takes time--whereas these will be quick and easy reading for when I want something a little bit lighter.

Return to Non-Fiction Books Read in 2009

Addition to "Websites of Interest"

To see updated list, click here.

New Books Added to Non-Fiction Reading List

Go here for the new additions.

Missionfest Manitoba 2009

This weekend, February 6-8, Searching for Love will be available at Missionfest 2009, Grant Memorial Church, Winnipeg. Look in the YWAM bookstore.

Look, Daddy!

I cannot, I dare not trust him. It’s too scary—much safer to withdraw inside myself. If I don’t, I will be misunderstood, handled roughly, hurt. The barriers stay, I can’t relax. If I let my guard down, I will be belittled, destroyed, nothing. Who am I apart from others? I’m far too dependent. He, they define my worth.

I’m four years old. Everyone tells me what to do. I don’t have too many thoughts of my own. Am I allowed my own thoughts? It’s time for evening worship. I don’t understand what is read or what is said but I may not move. I have to be there and I must be still. When we pray, how should I kneel? What is the right way? Do I sit on my ankles or keep my body straight? The last choice is hardest so that must be what’s right. Everything hinges on me doing the right thing. I must do what is right. But what is right? I don’t always know, so I guess.

I’m a year and a half old. I jump, jiggle and jerk until my crib bumps the sink. Look! I know how to make the water come out of the taps all by myself. What fun! I jump and dance and clap my hands. It spills to the floor. I am an island on a lake. Water is fun!

I’ve just been born. I cry. I need Mommy. Daddy comes. He hurts me. I scream. Mommy! Mommy! He hurts me. Every night. I must not cry. I must not cry my need. It hurts. I must please. I can’t be me. I must be... what?

Everyone else defines who I am. What I think, say and do don’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter. I want so much to matter. I want to be wanted and loved for me. I’m so confused.

I’m a newborn in the crib. It is dark. A father form looms over me. I am a victim. What else could I be?

“What would happen if the dark form went away?”

There would be light! But when I tell the dark form to go away, it gets bigger. I’m scared. It won’t go away.

“Who, what is that dark form?”

It’s Satan. I gasp. I blanche. My dream at four years! The dragon in my dream is the same. I wail. The dragon is chasing me. I’m running but it wants to get me. I cannot stop crying. What can this be? What does it mean? This has to end. It can’t go on. What can I do?

A thought hits. I can stop. I stop and turn around. I look at the dragon. I tell it to stop. “Jesus defines me. I belong to him. Nothing can separate me from his love. No one can separate me from him. You need a pin poked into you to deflate you. You don’t control me.” I don’t need to run or hide from Jesus.

But I have! I thought I had to—in the other dream. I’m four years old, in a basement. There are many adults. Everyone is bad. Jesus comes to the top of the stairs. He looks down at me. I’m in the corner. I’m in a bad place. He looks away. I’m not good enough. He wanted me to come to him but I didn’t.

“Jesus, I want all of you. I don’t want anything to come between us. I want you, Jesus!”

I walk to the stairs but something stops me. I can’t see it. What is it? It is Fear.

Jesus’ Spirit comes and wraps around me. He is a glove over me. He will keep me safe. Nothing can harm me when Jesus wraps around me.

I try to climb the stairs. Jesus is at the top but I stop. I can’t go further.

“What do you want to do?” I am asked.

I can’t believe he wants me.

“What would happen if you were wanted and accepted just as you are?”

Only one person has ever accepted me like that. It hurts to remember.

I want to get to Jesus but something more is in the way.

“How would it feel if it were gone?”

I whisper to myself, “No matter what I do, Jesus wants me. Whether I sleep or stay awake, he wants me. If I have an imaginary friend, he wants me. If I’m quiet or loud, he wants me. Whether my table manners are acceptable or not, he wants me. If I get A’s or F’s, he wants me. He wants me whether I’m good at marriage or not. He wants me when I’m confused about friendships. He wants me.”

A beam lights the space between us. The light is safe. I can walk in the light. I just need to walk in the light.

I’m at the top and Jesus puts his arms around me. He’s holding me, carrying me where he goes. He is trustworthy and safe.

The dark form is over the crib. It is the dragon. Light comes. Light pushes dragon away. My crib fills with light.

Suddenly I’m three again. I have a new dress. I put it on. It is white. Tiny, three-dimensional roses are scattered on it. There are many crinolines under the dress. Light fills the room. I twirl and dance and twirl some more. "Look, Daddy!" My Daddy is watching. He is happy. He is pleased. He claps his hands. I shine with delight and twirl some more. All is well. I matter. I am loved. I please my Father. I am me.

Previous Story | Next Story

He Wants Me

It happened again. I didn’t want it but it reared up unbidden, unwelcome, unaccepted. Why, why, why?

That’s what they ask me. “Why?”

I close my eyes to search for pictures, thoughts, feelings. Why? I feel incomplete, empty. I need to consume and cannibalize to fill the emptiness. I need to be one with the other, to be connected.

“Why?”

I become four again, lying on a top bunk, chin propped on my hands, looking through the studs of the unfinished wall to the hallway, through the door into the living room where the adults sit and talk. I’m left out and excluded, not wanted, afraid and insecure.

Betrayed! In that hallway I told Mom about my imaginary friend but Mom argued about the name. I shared and wasn’t believed. I withdrew into the safety of my mind but still I feel empty, a huge cavity inside me. Surely someone could love and want me but there is no one. Vulnerable and alone, is there no one I can stuff into the cavity, make them a part of me?

Sister! I trusted her! But she pulled away and is gone. I didn’t cry when she died but I sob now. I was closest to her, I loved her most. She was part of me but there is no going back. She was ripped away and now is gone.

It was the accident of course. It changed everything. I wasn’t allowed to see her in the hospital and she was there for so long, so many times. I was cut off. She became the focus and the family changed. I didn’t matter no matter how hard I worked for attention, no matter how good I was. She got the visitors, the presents, the plush fluffy slippers with an animal head on each foot that squeaked when squeezed, the Punkinhead she loved till it was bald. It wasn’t fair. I wanted things too but complaining wasn’t allowed.

I pull away, into myself, into the bedroom. I too get injured, confined to bed, and a visitor comes. She shows me how to make beads from pages of the catalogue but it isn’t enough. I need someone to connect to, someone who cares, who is there for me all the time. It hurts. I’m not as sick as Sister.

“I will never leave you or forsake you.”

The words are hollow. Nobody wants me. I’m not good enough—not for God and not for others. Empty. My dreams at age four confirm it. I’m in a basement room with many adults. Jesus comes to the top of the stairs, looks down at me in the far corner and leaves. I’m chased by a dragon and I run. I’m abandoned by God, not good enough. I have to try harder but it’s never enough.

If I don’t try, everything will fall apart. I will be without anchor, without direction. If there is no right or wrong, everything I do will be wrong—the worst possible behaviour. I’ll be at the bottom, completely abandoned with no hope. God wants nothing to do with me there.

Wait! There is the Father, welcoming the Prodigal.

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” It still doesn’t sound true.

But wait again! There was a time I hit bottom and God didn’t leave me. It is truth. Can I believe it? Surely it will take a long time before I do.

Hmmm! That truth gives me freedom! I am free to do right or wrong. No matter what I choose, I am accepted and wanted! That’s a scary thought. I try it on for size: No matter what I do, God wants me. Whether I sleep or stay awake, he wants me. If I have an imaginary friend, he wants me. If I’m quiet or loud, he wants me. Whether my table manners are acceptable or not, he wants me. If I get A’s or F’s, he wants me.

This is scary. Can I take this further? He wants me whether I’m good at marriage or not. He wants me when I’m confused about friendships. It seems unbelievable. I’m too scared to believe it is true. “God help me!” I sob.

If I’m wanted regardless of what I do or who I am, what would stop me from making wrong decisions?

Oh! Just listen and trust that it’s him I’m hearing. He wants me no matter what I do. I just need to listen and trust. He wants me!

Previous Story | Next Story

IHOPrayer and IHOPancakes

I figured that since I was going to spend several days at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, that it would be fitting to also visit the International House of Pancakes--a place I've never been before. It's amusing how people who are unfamiliar with the one assume the other is what you mean.

IHOPancakes serves up good food in a friendly fashion. All-you-can-eat pancakes was on the menu and the waitress who served me the first time remembered me in my subsequent visits. "How do you want your eggs," she had asked that first day. When I'm at home and cooking eggs, I will break them into the pan, break the yolks and then turn the eggs before they develop any brown crustiness. How do you communicate that to a restaurant? "Over-easy with the yolks broken," didn't seem to compute so the waitress said she'd have the kitchen prepare them the way she thought I wanted them and if they didn't turn out right, she'd have the cook re-do them.

They came back exactly the way I did not want them but I hate waste and I feel uncomfortable making a big deal out of something so insignificant, but she insisted so I described how I do it at home. I could hear her talking to the cooks after she left my table, trying to translate my request to them. Another waiter came up to me hoping he could maybe help with my difficult order--very willing to be of service but an uncomfortable position for me to be in. When the eggs came back they were perfect. "Order 'over-hard easy'" was her recommendation from the cook so I did and got them perfect every time. I wonder if that instruction will work in other places.

IHOPrayer was my second stop that first day. It's a very interesting and unique sort of place located in a strip mall that has been turned into various parts of the IHOPrayer facility. I spent time in two parts--the prayer room and the coffee shop/espresso bar.

The prayer room is not dissimilar to a church sanctuary with rows of upholstered stacking chairs divided by aisles. Additionally, there are tables, chairs, power outlets and free wifi for those with computers. On the stage a band plays non-stop, 24/7. Well, it's not the same band all the time. They seem to play for an hour or two and then another takes its place. They shift between the two bands so seamlessly that if you aren't watching the stage, you'd never know there had been a change. To the side is a microphone which was used at times for Bible readings and spoken (as opposed to sung) prayers. Interestingly, attendance on Sunday was sparse but on Monday during working hours the place was full and parking was hard to find.

I like the way prayer is done here. A band will start off with a song that is known that perhaps touches on the theme of prayer for that hour but before long they are singing and playing improvisations--heartfelt prayer expressed with music. For instance, for a period of time on the Monday I was there, the prayers were for the new president, Barak Obama and for the ending of abortion. One thing they prayed repeatedly was:

Open up his eyes
Open up his eyes
Let him see the value of life!

Another prayer that was sung repeatedly was:

Let life break in
Let there be life, life, life
Let there be light, light, light
We prophesy life, life life.
Troubler of kings,
Disturb him in his dreams!

I have heard people (not at IHOP) complain about repetitious songs but my answer to that is in Revelation chapter four, where John has a peek into heaven and he observes the cacophony of praise: The four living creatures are saying non-stop,"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come," and the twenty-four elders say, "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." These lines of praise to God are unendingly repeated, providing ample example of what continuous praise and worship can be.

I was very blessed by so much of what was being sung and prayed but at the same time, I felt disconnected. I couldn't focus on God the way I wanted and hoped to. This was disappointing. I had hoped to meet God in a fresh, new way but it didn't happen--either in the prayer room or in Higher Grounds (the coffee shop next door), Panera Bread (a bakery/restaurant with free wifi and power outlets at every table), IHOPancakes or my room--the other places where I spent time. At first I wondered if it was because of my easy access to the Internet but I have that at home and have had some wonderful times with God here. My conclusion, as stated in yesterday's post, was that the stress of the hotel not being what it should be was the source of my inability to concentrate.

Would I go again? I think so. Is a place like IHOPrayer the only place we can meet with God? No! But there is something about being part of a body of believers in praise, worship and prayer that has power and force. We can experience this in our local churches for a few hours each week but for long periods of time, day after day? That's hard to find. I hope that next time I will be less distracted and more focused on my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

The Hotel Disconnect

I've been home from my trip for a few days and many things are swirling in my head. My travels were divided like this:

• Two days driving to a little town in the Missouri Ozarks
• Eight full days (plus the days of arriving and leaving) spent with a very dear friend and the addition of another friend on some of those days
• Three full days in Kansas City to spend in God's presence at the International House of Prayer (IHOP)
  
• Two days driving back home to Winnipeg

The time I spent with my friends was perfect in every way. We spent time talking, playing games, talking some more, visiting a couple of quaint little towns, talking, shopping, playing more games and we even had a few times of comfortable silence. God is so good. I met both women online and have known one for 8 1/2 years and the other for about six. This was the third time seeing the one and the second time with the other but no one would have guessed. We are simply good friends.

It was hard to part but I was also looking forward to time at IHOP. I wanted to pray, think, read and write but for some reason I was very scattered and distracted while I was in Kansas City and it felt like I had accomplished nothing during my time there. I wondered at first if it was my access to the Internet that distracted me but the evening after I left I realized there was another cause.

On its website, IHOP names hotels nearby and some of them give a discount to those going to IHOP. I made the choice I did because that particular hotel actually mentioned IHOP on their website and I wanted to honour them for that. It didn't occur to me to check reviews made by other patrons--a mistake I won't make again. The building looks nice enough and so did my room except for three things--I needed the strength of Atlas to turn the water on in the bathroom sink, the small counter around the "kitchen" or bar sink had been severely damaged and the blow dryer was very unsafe with no grill on the business end to keep fingers away from live wires.

The first morning I forced myself to get up earlier than I felt like so I could take advantage of the breakfast advertised by the hotel. In the hallway by the elevator were empty pizza boxes, a beer bottle on the floor and more garbage strewn around. Inside the elevator was another beer bottle. Downstairs there was no breakfast! When I asked the girl at the front desk, she said they were doing some renovations in the kitchen and as a result they couldn't use the coffee pots. Odd, but I accepted it and went to the other IHOP for breakfast--the International House of Pancakes. When I returned that night, I asked about the pool and gym advertised on their website. The pool is outside and they are waiting for a shipment of new equipment in the gym so it's closed for now. When I finally went looking online for patrons' comments I discovered that it's been at least a year and a half that they haven't served breakfast or had their gym available for use. The staff have been trained to lie!

Well, I don't need a "free" breakfast, though it would have been nice and saved me money, I could do without a pool and gym, overlook the garbage in the hall and enjoy the good things about my room such as its spaciousness, the nice desk and king-sized bed (and I bought myself an inexpensive potted flower to brighten things up). But one thing did make me uneasy. This hotel has seven floors and 126 rooms/suites and once the weekend was over, there were maybe six guests in the entire place. Was it safe to be rattling around in such an empty building? It wasn't hard to find other things that were odd, such as no maid service every day, a big sign with half the lights burned out advertising the grand opening of a drinking lounge that was closed for lack of customers, and the garbage that continued to collect on the third floor hallways.

Only when I was on my way home and stayed in another hotel did I realize how stressed the peculiarities of the one in Kansas City made me. It was a plain, lower-end hotel that was everything they said they were and more. I felt at ease for the first time in several days. Who would have guessed that such a thing could matter? Not me.

My doctor and I had a good talk about that when I got home. It seems like I have a huge disconnect between my brain and the rest of me. My brain told me that the problems with the hotel weren't a big deal and that the price and location were perfect and that's what I believed while the rest of me was so tense I couldn't concentrate.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this disconnect and wondering how it came to be and what to do about it. I can see it's been present in me for a long time. Kansas City wasn't the first time. I've used my ability to think and reason to overpower my heart and emotions. There are times when this is a good thing, such as when my heart and emotions are begging me to do something I know is wrong, but when I need to be listening to what my inner self is saying it's not so good for my reasoning brain to drown it out so I cannot hear.

Since I'm just now coming to realize this handicap in me, I will be praying and watching for solutions. One that has come to me is to spend time with God in some of the spiritual disciplines that don't require a lot of reasoning and brain power like contemplative prayer, meditation and silence. Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we will have no part in the kingdom of heaven. Little kids haven't overdeveloped their brains and reasoning power to the detriment of the rest of them. They are big in simplicity and trust. That's what I need.

God, I've depended on my thinking and reasoning abilities for much in my life, leaving little room for simplicity and trust. To the extent that I have done this, I have excluded you. How wrong I've been! You speak to me through more than my reasoning and cognitive abilities but also through my inner heart, that part of me I can't hear so well. Please change me. Help me establish balance within. Thank you!


Note: I am not saying that reasoning and using our brains is a bad thing. God gave us brains for a reason but being disconnected from the rest of ourselves is not good. God made us to be integral, all parts of us working together as a whole.