I Need to Ask for Help

I had a meltdown last Friday. It wasn't any one thing that contributed to it but a series of events that, each on their own, should have been no problem. Last weekend was the church camp out. We book a group use area in a nearby provincial park and pitch our tents in one large field near a large cooking shelter supplied with running water, electricity, protection from the rain, tables, counters and fireplaces. I had such a good time last year that I didn't want to miss out this year--it's a great way to get to know others better.

But I haven't been well. My depression has seemed to be getting worse, not better, and the smallest things create anxiety and agitation. When I'm committed to an event, I plan the days approaching it with care so that I can be "pulled together" and function the way I want and need to. But that wasn't happening for the camp out. Other things were conspiring to take my energy and time so that by Thursday night, I was feeling stressed about all that yet needed to be done. Friday morning was even worse.

I decided to not rush but take everything at a steady pace. I spent my usual time cycling on my stationary bike and in my prayer room and my fears of not having enough time to prepare were groundless. It didn't take as much time and energy as I thought, especially with Tom doing all the hard work of carrying things from the basement and second floor out to the car and packing it all.

Unfortunately, we had a fight of sorts with me getting very angry. That anger filled the silence of the car as we drove to our destination. I knew that once we were with others, our moods would lift and was looking forward to that. Packing everything we needed into a Honda Civic is not an easy task and Tom did an admirable job but it meant that the passenger seat I was in was so close to the dashboard I had to duck to pull down the shade--not a good mood-improver. Nor was the downpour we encountered on the way. Rain and tenting aren't the best combination.

We found the place fine and, since my knee won't let me do a lot of walking, Tom carried our gear from the car to our tent site--a considerable distance. He brought the tent first so I began to set it up while he continued going back and forth with things. I've set the tent up myself more than once but never in the winds we had that Friday. They were crazy! I got the tent up and then one corner blew off it's peg and began flapping around. No problem. Once the fly was up and over the tent, the tent corner would stay in place.

I wasn't counting on the fly being a sail. We nearly had it pitched when the wind grabbed and tore it off the tent. The pastor chose that time to inform us all that we were at the wrong site but he was hoping the people who had booked this site would be willing to take the one we should have been in. Given this information, should we try putting the fly up again or just wait? But if we wait, what would we do with the fly that was flapping around? I decided to be optimistic and we started on the fly again.

I was very short on energy and had to stop frequently to sit on a small stool I take camping. Several people came by and offered to help but I refused them all. We struggled with the fly, got much of it up and then realized that it had major problems. One of our boys has used the tent a number of times since our last use and one essential part was in such disrepair we weren't sure if it would work. Duct tape should help!

This is when Nathan came by again and said we all had to take down our tents and move. Arghhh! But that's okay. These things happen and can't be helped. After the tent was down, Tom cleared my seat in the car so I could sit while he finished putting things back in the car (we'd found a way to bring the car next to the tent). I could have fallen asleep right then, I was so tired!

When it was time to pull away, I turned in my seat so the door beside me could be closed and I could hardly get my feet where they were supposed to go. I thought I had been close to the windshield on the way to the park but this was worse. But it would only last a few minutes as we drove to the site next door so I didn't mind.

When we got there, Tom went to check out the lay of the land and for some reason, while he was gone, I fell apart. I was sobbing so much I covered my face with a cloth so no one could see me. It reminded me of what happens to children when they're overtired. They become cranky and unable to function. When Tom returned I felt so awkward about my messy emotions and all the people nearby that I said I wanted to go home.

I felt badly for that because he had worked so much harder than me in getting us there and now I was saying I didn't want to stay but what else could I do? I was beyond any rational thought and wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Nathan came by and encouraged me to stay--he even had a spare tent that he'd put up for us--but I declined and insisted on going home.

I sobbed and bawled all the way home, more than an hour's drive, and continued when I got inside. I noticed a voice message on my phone and when I listened to it, someone protesting my departure and asking me to return, I cried all the louder. Mikael and Erik helped Tom unload the car and put everything away. I was so exhausted and so distressed that I couldn't even open my computer at first, nevermind get myself ready for bed.

It wasn't just exhaustion. I was so mad at myself for being so weak, so incapable, so needy. I couldn't get rid of the dark thoughts and wondered if I needed the Mobile Crisis Unit. Was I going crazy? My writing, promoting my book, soliciting speaking engagements--who was I to think I could do any of this? I was scared.

While the body-wracking sobs subsided after a couple of hours, I was still a mess when I went to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. What had happened? Why had I fallen apart so easily? What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me, she said, is that I refuse to ask for or accept help. She didn't say it quite so up front like that. She's sneaky and asked other questions and took about 45 minutes to get to her punch line. But that was the bottom line: I need to ask for help. I protested. I argued. I said I don't know how.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. How do I ask for help? Is it safe to do so? Will people still like me when they see how needy I really am? Clearly I should have accepted those offers of help while I was still together. Waiting until I've fallen apart is waiting too long.

Two friends have lovingly pointed out that it's pride that keeps me from asking for and/or accepting help. It's not something I want to hear but I have to accept the truth of it.

So I'm going to try. Hopefully those of you in my life will be patient with me as I stumble through the learning curve and make myself vulnerable to you in my times of need. Hopefully I'll recognize those times early enough for your help to make a difference.

God, forgive me my pride and the foolishness of wanting to appear in control of my life and circumstances. Give me the courage to say, "I'm not doing well. I need help!" When I'm looking for help, please place the right people before me--people who will love me despite my need and weakness. Thank you for doctors and friends who care enough to speak the truth even when it hurts. So be it.

Ambivalence and Self-Contempt

Today I finished the chapter on Ambivalence in The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook by Dan Allender that I began a month and a half ago. It has been hard slogging and produced many tears. I'd like to quote a few parts (note that the "we" and "us" refers to those of us who were sexually abused as children):

"Ambivalence can be defined as feeling two contradictory emotions at the same moment....An experience of relational pleasure...or sensual pleasure...or sexual pleasure....will arouse deep parts of the soul. Sexual pleasure in particular is both frightening and stimulating to a young child....When the same pleasure is connected with the experience of being powerless, betrayed, and used, then untold damage will occur....The inevitable feelinegs of both enjoyment and shame produce the anguish of ambivalence. Central to understanding ambivalence is the fact that the very thing that was despised also brought some degree of pleasure." (page 107, emphasis is in the original)

"Because of our abuse, most of us struggle with mixed feelings about sex, being feminine or masculine, being attractive or unattractive, being friends or lovers." (page 107)

"Asking for cuddling wasn't the same as asking for sex." (page 109)

"In our heads, intimacy (which we long for) is forever fused to sexuality (which we both desire and detest). Therefore, we reason, the longing for intimacy is a longing for sexual passion. But passion, as we have experienced it in abuse, destroys. Therefore, the longing for intimacy is dangerous and must be either avoided or conquered....Intimacy is tinged with the idea of exclusivity and uniqueness appropriate to intercourse in marrage....there is always a part of us that hopes any relationship will go deeper." (page 113)

What particularly spoke to me because it describes me so well is:

“...A woman may hug another woman and feel that thrill of terror/pleasure that for her means this is intimacy; therefore, this is sexual; therefore, I want this to go deeper to exclusivity; therefore, this is dangerous.

“The pleasure of intimacy produces a passion not just for more relationship, but for relationship on a deeper level.

“The relationship may in fact go no further than casual talks and friendly hugs, while in one person’s mind the longing for more either whispers or shouts in fantasies. It may deepen to the exclusivity of best friends. Or the “chemistry” (that is really confusion between intimacy and sex) may draw the two into a lesbian affair. This is not a sign that one of both was both “gay” and didn’t know it. It is just the same kind of sexualisation that occurs between a woman and a man.

“But the agony of same-sex encounters is that the shame is far harsher. This woman, even if she just has fantasies, is guilty not only of lust but of perversion. Being attracted to a man is at least “normal.” (page 114)

"...for many of us, pleasure beyond the danger zone is off limits. We have to watch and control both longings and pleasures to make sure they don't get out of hand. If a relationship or success begins to give us joy, we have to crack down to make sure we don't go wild." (page 117)

Ambivalence. It shows itself not only in relationships but in many other facets of life. My doctor tells me that I don't trust myself. This is true. I also have the strong self-contempt described in this chapter. I know what I am capable of doing that is wrong (e. g. sexualizing a friendship outside of marriage) or "not best" (such as decisions about eating) and I'm afraid that if I don't keep myself on a short leash, I will do all that I shouldn't.

Allender points out that Jesus also experienced ambivalence--conflicting desires--as he faced the cross:

"He resolved His struggle enough to see His mission through without flinching, even though the agony of separation was intense. And having chosen to be human, He couldn't do anything about His body's loud protests against beatings and crucifixion. Bodies (as abuse victims know well) respond as they were built to respond, no matter what contrary decisions their owners make." (page 124)

In the midst of his conflicting desires, he chose obedience to God over what his body demanded--release from the pain he experienced--and, through his obedience, became a Victor who has rescued us from our ambivalence and made it possible for us to make God-honouring choices.

In Romans 7, Paul describes the ambivalence we all experience: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" (verse 15) and asks, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?" and answers immediately, "Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! ... Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...." (7:25a, 8:1a)

To live in that place of no condemnation because I've been rescued from this body of death by Jesus, to not let my ambivalence control or discourage me, to live in obedience with no self-contempt for unwelcome thoughts--this is the challenge.

Lord, thank you for rescuing me from death and enabling me to choose obedience. Continue to help me--especially in those areas where I still struggle. Help me to relinquish my self-contempt and live in the freedom that only you can give.

Born from Above

My study this morning asked the question, "What does it mean to be born from above?" It's something that most Christians can give a quick, pat answer to: It's becoming a Christian. True, but how? Why did Jesus call it a new birth? My thoughts are brief this morning.

What comes from above? The Holy Spirit of God through Jesus Christ. To be born from above means to be born of the Spirit; for God’s Spirit to enliven us, to give us life—a new life—that is impossible without him. The birth from above results from the union of my spirit with God’s Spirit and results in a new life. Just as the union of two bodies creates new bodily life, this union creates new spiritual life.

I don't have time to say much more than that but it does help answer a question I've had for a long time: What is the significance of marriage, that God would have such definite rules about it? Marriage is the bodily symbol of this union of spirit to Spirit.

What are your thoughts on this?

Motives

"I believe that our God is best praised in common things. He who molds a shoe with a right motive is praising God as much as the seraph who pours forth his celestial sonnet." --Charles Haddon Spurgeon

A right motive. Is this what makes the difference between what is godly and what is not? When truth and deception appear to overlap, do we embrace it all as truth, dismiss it all as deception or walk a road of discernment through the confusion, knowing that, as we do, the right motive distinguishes between the seeker of Truth and the seeker of anything else?

"He who moulds a shoe with a right motive is praising God." Would it then be true that he who meditates with a right motive is praising God? He who comes to God in contemplative prayer with the right motive is praising God?

Is motive all that matters or is there something more?

What Binds, Drives and Isolates

According to Malcolm Muggeridge, three things that bind [enslave] us, drive us and isolate us are:

1. "excessive desire to possess things"
2. "devotedness to the gratification of the bodily appetites; free indulgence in carnal or sensual pleasures; luxuriousness; voluptuousness; lewdness"
3. "belief in one's own abilities or attractiveness to others"

He uses the words cupidity, sensuality and vanity--words that aren't used much these days, so I went to hunt for their meanings. Who knew that cupidity has to do with greed and not love? When I searched for the meaning of sensuality, many wanted to equate the word with sex but, while sex is one of the bodily appetites, it is only one.

I think, of the three, sensuality is the one that catches me the most. I like comfort and do as much as I can to avoid discomfort. I like luxuries and indulge in the ones I can afford. I like to feel good and do what I can to ensure I do. It never occurred to me that this could be wrong. Is it? I can see how devotedness to lewdness ("preoccupation with sex and sexual desire," lust, obscenity and indecency) is wrong but simple luxuries and comforts? It's something I'm going to have to think about.

What are your thoughts?

Malcolm Muggeridge in Jesus Rediscovered as quoted in Learning from Jesus: A Spiritual Formation Guide by Renvaré, page 29.

Definition of "cupidity" from http://www.wordinfo.info/words/index/inf

Definition of "sensuality" from http://www.knowledgerush.com/kr/encyclopedia/Sensuality/

Definition of "vanity" from http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/vanity?view=uk

Definition of "lewdness" from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lewdness

It Was a Wonderful Week!

Greetings, friends!

Tom and I returned home from camp late yesterday afternoon. I had a wonderful, restful time and am glad he urged me to go. My time of socializing and mixing with others, vs. alone time was a good mix, I think. I attended sessions and had a good time chatting over meals but, for the most part, I spent the other time at our cabin--outside on the deck when the weather was good and inside in a comfortable leather recliner looking through large windows to the lake and trees when the weather was cold and/or raining.

I had hoped to catch up on the book reviews I want to do, but managed only two or three, which I plan to post here soon. It is difficult to review a book when it's been a number of weeks or even months since I've read it, so I may give up on reviewing the books I've read since April, simply list them and hopefully be more able to write soon after reading books from now on.

It's good to be home, though I thoroughly enjoyed myself at camp, and enjoyed the connections and reconnections with the people there. There is much in this house that needs attending too, so as God gives me the energy, I intend to do what I can about it. There is so much I'm eager to share with you all, but I'm feeling compelled to do some housework so I'll write more later.

Thank you to all who were praying for me and us.

Away for a Week

Tom and I are heading out to a lakeside camp for the week. I had a meltdown Thursday, Friday and Saturday and wasn't going to go, but Tom convinced me, so off I go. Please pray that this time together will be a healing time for me personally and for us as a couple.

Blessings to you all.

Wounds and Reconciliation

The last thirty hours have been very difficult for me. This evening I took a gander through some of the long-neglected blogs to which I am subscribed and found one that spoke very closely to where I am: Back on...reconciliation by Kenny Warkentin. The entire post is worth reading but I want to quote what specifically hit me:

...when someone wrongs us, or we hold all the offenses in until one day it explodes and we put a boundary down and say, you hurt me and so you are unsafe. We spend so much time with the issue in our head, and never talk about it...and then we think it easier to just cut the person out of our lives, rather than realize that we too are in the wrong.

I'm not quick to cut people out of my life--in fact I'm loathe to do it--but I have labelled at least one person as unsafe because of sustained wrongs that have hurt me.

Recently I heard some great teaching on how David walked this out in his own life. Walking in meekness in the face of injustice. How often do we walk with meekness when we face injustice? When do we give it over to God to be our advocate...our help...our friend?

How do we walk "in meekness in the face of injustice?"

It got me thinking of my own life, and how I am prone to not speak out of [because of] passivity, out of [because of] the thought that the other person may not like me anymore. I am being challenged to step out of that and speak truth... I want to ask the Holy Spirit to search me...so that I can work out my sin. I am not happy to stay stuck or in the same place, and I value people enough to want reconciliation, restoration, repair.

Search me, O Lord, and know my heart today.

Try me O Saviour, know my thoughts I pray.

See if there be some wicked way in me.

Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free!

--James E. Orr, 1936

Canada Day Outdoors

The overhanging trees darken the patio where I sit, despite the still-not-black sky above. It's 10:30 on the evening of Canada Day but it's still too light in the sky for the promised fireworks. Here against the back of my house, however, all is dark except for the citronella votive candle burning beside me (and doing little to keep mosquitoes away), the glow of my laptop screen and the embers of a fading fire Tom lit for me before going to bed.

I've been sitting here for the last four or five hours, enjoying the quiet absence of family and neighbours, the shade of the trees above me and the perfect weather for sitting outdoors. Most people in the city will have been to one or more of the various festive events throughout the city. Tom was at Assiniboine Park to watch the taiko drumming, Erik was in Osborne Village where this major thoroughfare is closed for the occassion and Mikael spent the day with friends at Grand Beach. I suspect that the Forks is where the biggest crowd will have been--it's a popular place to be if you don't mind cycling or walking there from some distant parking place. Indeed, each venue has the same problem--so popular that parking is impossible.

When I was younger, I would rally the family, dress the boys and myself in red and white and arrive at the City Park long before everyone else. This ensured easy parking and, with a picnic tucked away for later, it meant a long but fun day for all of us. These days, I'd rather avoid the crowds. I never used to understand that about others, especially those who were older. What could be better than to celebrate the day in a crowd of people? Here I am, "older," and prefering the comfortable solitude of my back yard--though not the mosquitoes who brazenly make it past my defensives against them.

I feel blessed. Tom has worked hard to weed my gardens for me and plant the flowers I bought--I haven't had the energy--and has made this a pleasant place to sit. Whole summers have gone past in previous years when the only time I was in the back yard was to move from house to car and back again. Summers are too short in Winnipeg to spend inside and so I intend to be out here more often this year. (Ah! The sound of the fireworks is booming into my neighbourhood.) I avoid the sun but the back of our house faces east so I have shade once the hottest part of the day begins.

I've enjoyed the squirrels' incessant chattering, the robin who graced me with his appearance and the sparrows that came to visit--especially the one that fought with a large caterpillar before flying away with its catch. The pile of books I thought I might spend the evening reviewing have gone untouched. The phones haven't rung. My family have come by at various times to observe the oddity of Mom sitting outside, though none have joined me for more than a few minutes.

And now as the sky darkens and the unseen fireworks punctuate the silence also broken by nearby traffic and squabbling squirrels, I feel at rest. Welcome, Summer! Happy Canada Day!

Which is Worse?

The following gave me a measure of amusement when I read it:

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Thomas de Quincey (English author)

Normally we think the progression happens in the other direction, but I think de Quincey has a point. We think of murder and theft as big sins and procrastination and invicivility as minor offenses, hardly to be considered (I think I'm queen of procrastination), but maybe they're not. The average murderer murders once but how often is the average person uncivil or procrastinating?

What do you think?

Rick Warren and the Islamic Society

Rick Warren, author of the wildly popular Purpose-Driven Life will be speaking at the Islamic Society's annual convention this weekend. It seems an odd thing for a Baptist pastor to do, but he won't be alone. Rabbi Burton Visotzky, a leader of Conservative Judaism will also be a featured speaker.

How is it that Christians and Jews are showing support for the Islamic Society, or indeed any Islamic group, by their high-profiled presence? What kind of support does their presence indicate? Surely Warren is not suggesting that Islam is a religion worth pursuing, so what is he saying? Is it reasonable to expect Judaism, Islam and Christianity to live at peace with each other? Is it desirable? Is Warren's presence at the convention similar to Paul speaking at the Areopagus in Athens or more like the alliances Judah sought to make with Egypt? Where do we draw the line between living at peace with and acknowledging the right of others to choose other than Jesus, and embracing other religions as equally valid? Is there any difference between this and a Buddhist leader speaking at a major Christian event?

What are your thoughts?