The Energy Continues!

For the fourth day in a row, I have energy.  I have gone walking each one of those days and have managed to do some cleaning.  It feels so good to feel motivated to do things and be able to do them.  It's been months since I have, long before Mikael died.

Is the knee brace what's making the difference?  Tuesday was such a low day.  I wasn't sure I'd ever get out of the exhaustion and listlessness I had been feeling.  Wednesday I got my brace and everything changed.  I can move around without pain!  Is that all I needed, pain relief and mobility assistance?

It snowed all through the night and there have been no ploughs through the neighbourhood--it's still snowing--so walking was a bit more difficult this time.  Wading through three to four-inch snow will do that to you but I was able to do it.  It's beautiful outside.  The weather is warm, so the snow is damp and sticky.  Because there is no wind, the trees and bushes are laden with thick snow.  I wanted to take pictures but I haven't figured out how to do that yet with my phone.  Besides, I didn't want to damage the phone by getting it wet with snow.

God is good.  Even if this energy, both mental and physical, doesn't last, it's been a wonderful gift and gives me hope that I won't spend the rest of my life in exhaustion.

Thank you, God!

Energy

Despite all my activity yesterday, I couldn't get to sleep last night!  Maybe all I did energized me instead of exhausting me like I expected, but I couldn't sleep till 7:30 this morning.  When I got up, I still felt energized.  I couldn't believe it!  So, with my brace on, I went for a walk around the block.  My knee did not hurt!  My unused muscles weren't too happy with me but my knee was fine.  I'm so pleased!  And although I am feeling tiredness come over me, I feel motivated to tidy up some of my messes.  Two good days in a row?  Very nice.  Maybe my exhaustion the last week and a half hasn't been grief as much as recovering from Konrad's wedding and the trip home from Vancouver.  Regardless, God is definitely answering the prayers of all of you.  Thank you for praying.

Today Was a Good Day

I want to thank all those who sent me notes and comments and all of you who prayed and have been praying for me (and the family).  Today was a much better day than yesterday.  For one, I managed to sleep at night, so when I had to get up for my doctor's appointment, I had had enough sleep that I could without too much of a fight.

I even dressed up nicely, wearing a business-style grey skirt with a black sweater covered with sequins on the yoke.  I have to wear a brace for my knee now, but I have been having problems so I've needed to go back to the store for help.  Since I would be out already, I figured today would be a good day.  Wearing a skirt would make it easier to work with the brace on my leg at the store.  Basically, I needed more information because, being unclear about how the brace works, I wasn't sure whether I should be sitting or standing putting it on.  It was sliding down; how do I prevent that and so on.  They were most helpful and I think I'm good to go now.

The idea of the brace (one of those hinged kinds) is that, over time of using it, it will separate the bones that are currently rubbing against each other with no cartilage between them.  I am looking forward to go for walks again.  I used to go for near-daily, hour-long walks and really miss them.  I've been told that the brace will enable me to do that again.  Yay!

I had a couple of other errands that I needed to run but, in the midst of them, I had the spontaneous idea of stopping at a favourite bakery café I was driving past.  It's got only a few small tables and is often crammed with people, but today there was an empty one for me and, wouldn't you know it, I discovered an electrical outlet right by my chair.  I had my computer with me and so I sat for a couple of hours writing and enjoying being out of the house and alone.

Today was the second time since returning from Vancouver, that I've been out of the house and the first time was just to see the doctor and get my brace.  I'm so glad I had the energy and ability to do more while I was out.

Then tonight was the first night of a house group from church that I've been waiting for since September.  I was sure I wouldn't be able to make it because I've been very exhausted but amazingly I did!  I'm glad because the evening was wonderful.  It's going to be a good group--especially if they serve schmoo torte every week (I know, not going to happen).

So, thank you everyone for praying for me.  I know the exhaustion is going to be around for a while--it seems to be the way my body and mind are choosing to grieve, rather than with sadness and despair--but it's nice to have a break from that.  Maybe I can make it to church on Sunday too.  That would be awesome.

Blessings on you all.

Not Doing Well

I'm not doing well.  Has the grief finally hit?  Perhaps.  I'm doing nothing much other than sleeping, I have no energy and I haven't been out of the house since returning from Vancouver except to see the doctor once.  I would appreciate your prayers.  Thank you.

Bestman's Speech for Konrad's Wedding

By Konrad's brother and Groomsman, Erik



I first met Konrad when he was expelled from the womb.
Bena came a bit later when she first visited that city of Konrad's expulsion.

An accurate way to describe Konrad is "in his own world".
But what is "his own world", exactly?
What is Konrad?
We just don't know.

One can certainly speculate.
To me, Konrad can be summed up in 4 words: art, music, Bena, and God. Probably in the opposite order. (Mikael, Konrad's older brother and Best Man, would probably add "confused" to that list.) Konrad began life engaging in activities such as eating butter, [melting crayons on the toaster oven and Easter eggs on his bedroom lamp], and running away from home naked into busy streets. One day years later he would come home late from work at the Saucers cafe down the street and proclaim proudly to me the degree of his drunkenness -- not that this would be something he would ever or often repeat, Bena. If anything, aside from absent-minded, Konrad's personality can be described as moral and level-headed.

Konrad and I grew up with a lot of similar hobbies like hacky sack, X-Men action figures, video games, and bubble tea. But the common interest between us that has stuck the strongest and longest is that of drawing pictures. When we were little we would make up our own superheroes, which were basically just Superman and Spider-Man with worse names, costumes, and super powers. We drew comics and hundreds of different characters in the exact same not-so-heroic pose. Eventually we developed our individual styles and found that in drawing we could express through pictures what isn't so easily or creatively expressed through words. We often would collaboratively ad-lib short stories in picture form, and our own personalities and expressive tendencies would come out through our respective drawing styles. Konrad continues to express himself through art. He has created a cartooned diary-esque vision of his life and the people he loves by assigning them animal-like personas and depicting them in various real-life scenarios. Konrad is a mushroom. Bena is a hamster. Mikael is a dog. I am a cow. I'm sure he has reasons for all of these. He'd better. Konrad took a few introductory Fine Art classes at U of M during the course of his Arts degree. He covered his bedroom walls in ambiguous coloured-pencil drawings of his own superhero characters when he was younger -- images that Mons must currently endure on a daily basis. Just what exactly is the ninja elephant wearing on her shoulders? He painted a mural on the cafeteria wall of our old highschool, Westgate, which he did finish... eventually. And as of late he has been working at De Serres art store in downtown Vancouver with his friend Lucy, with whom he organizes craft sales for the public. Art has been a constant in Konrad's life which has certainly helped in the way that I relate to and understand him. But, Bena, if you're decorating the walls, don't let loose the scribbling madness of your new husband.
You've been warned.

Anyone who knows Konrad knows that music is his passion. Whether he is singing and playing keyboard to U2 and Coldplay covers with Bena's enchanting vocals, or inventing, arranging, and writing lyrics for his own beautiful and catchy compositions, music has taken his life on inspiring and otherwise less-likely adventures. Konrad is self-taught at playing the piano and meagerly began tinkering around with one-handed renditions of the theme songs from X-Men and Flight of Dragons. From there he started following in his big brother Mons' footsteps by composing MIDI tracks with a computer keyboard, and later submitting his compositions to an online music competition on "TOS BBS". On this website he connected with the programmers and designers of a computer game contributing to the game's soundtrack, though the company fell apart before completion was achieved. Only a few years ago, back in Winnipeg, Konrad joined a Christian rock band for a time, called That Place, performing around the city and gaining credibility and experience as a musician. Music began and continues to be a significant aspect of the union of Konrad and Bena. It was listening to music together -- shared on an ipod -- for the first week of their meeting that served as the appetizer to their love. Half a decade later, the main course has just been prepared as they now journey forth not only as a single musical entity, but as a single life -- a single talent. A favourite illustrator of mine once said, "Music is everything!" Even a master of the visual arts recognizes the incomparable soul of music. That it is their greatest common interest speaks volumes (pun!) about the magic that together they have the potential to sow and that which they've already sown. Their musical skillzors are a real gift and blessing not only to themselves in being able to create and communicate such emotion and personality in a universal language, but to others in the joy that it brings to experience the magic they weave.

Konrad may have a degree in Asian Studies, but the only Asian he was ever really interested in studying was Bena.
Bena, better known as "Baby", is the Malaysian brains of the operation. While Konrad is, and I quote, "The least organized person in the universe", Bena is the ring master that keeps him in check and reminds him where he left his keys, shoes, jacket, and his head. Konrad and Bena are wonderful, beautiful, and talented individuals, whose brilliance is only magnified in the unity of their togetherness. Where one falters, the other fills the gap. They keep each other in line constructively and spiritually, which really radiates their faith and love of God.

I know that to both Konrad and Bena, God is the focus of life. Just two nights ago Konrad and I unregrettably stayed up until 5 AM talking about life, philosophy, and religion. This was likely the closest and most transparently we've ever communicated and it really opened to me the vigor with which he follows his beliefs. This dedication that they both possess is admirable in the least and is apparent in all aspects of their lives, and now their life together. Konrad may be always "in his own world" -- but now that you, Konrad and Bena, are joined in marriage, you may enjoy the adventure of creating your own world together and sharing in the wonder that is now no longer the "in his own world" of Konrad, but the "in your own world of Bena and Konrad". Your "Benrad", one might say.
Let your Benrad live long and prosper.
This is my blessing for you.




Published here with permission from Erik Chan

Travelling to Our Son's Wedding

I'm sorry I haven't written here more.  We--Tom, Mons, Erik, Erik's girlfriend and me--left on December 20 for our son/brother Konrad's wedding in Vancouver.  We drove, taking three days to get there.  I wanted to do most of the driving but I found myself unable to so Mons took over.  I'm a terrible passenger and that night, as Mons drove, the sky was blacker than ink, broken only by thick fog that covered the road.  I tried to distract myself with my computer--I'd bought an adapter so we could plug our computers into the power outlet of the van--but it wasn't enough to keep me from breathing in through my nose sharply when I got scared, alarming Mons in turn who thought I was seeing a danger he couldn't.

I took over the wheel again the next morning.  It had snowed all night and the accumulation was threatening to keep us in the small town of Glendive, Montana.  I wanted to get as far away from it as possible but the highway didn't make that easy.  It was so packed with snow that none of the painted lines showed through.  I followed the ruts and did a lot of praying.  At the end of four hours I was so exhausted I let Mons drive again and hid myself in the back cubbyhole of the car.

The cubbyhole was the seat closest to the passenger side in the back bench of the van.  The two seats beside it were piled high with luggage, sleeping bags and pillows.  Erik and Jenn were in the middle row and Tom was in the front beside Mons.  The cubbyhole was a good place for me because I couldn't see out the windows so easily and get scared.  It wasn't fair, however, that when Mons took over driving, the weather and roads were perfect.  Nevertheless, I enjoyed my time alone.

I did some crying for Mikael too, later in the day when I heard Tom snoring in the front seat.  Mikael's soft, rhythmic snoring was the last sound I heard from him before he died--dying within earshot and I didn't know it.  I haven't done enough crying for him so it was good to do so.  Maybe part of the reason I haven't really fallen apart yet is because I need to be strong for everyone else, but in that little hidey hole I could cry silently to my heart's content and no one would know.

When it got dark out, I wondered what I'd do to occupy myself.  Our adapter for the computers had died after just one day.  If it wasn't dark out, I could read.  Then I remembered my radio.  For months I saw the radio advertised first in Hammacher Schlemmer catalogues and then in Signals' and National Geographic's.  It's the coolest thing.  In addition to the ordinary ways of powering a radio, this one has a solar panel and, for when there's no sun, a crank.  Furthermore, it has a reading light perfect for the back of a car on a dark night. How useful!

We had good weather the third and last day of our trip to Vancouver and I took over the driving once we were out of the mountains and about to head into urban areas and the border crossing.  It was hard driving past Seattle, knowing all the people there I'd like to visit but not having the time to do so. Customs was quick and easy, however, unlike the warning we'd received--only a car or two in front of us.  That was a relief.  The boys helped Tom and I carry in all our luggage to the motel room and then took the van to Konrad's, where they would spend the next twelve days.

To be continued

To Konrad and Bena on your Wedding Day

This was supposed to have been posted January 2, at the time of their wedding.

Dear Konrad and Bena,

Your wedding is a wonderful event to celebrate.  We’re so happy for you.  Konrad, you made a good choice.

There will be hard times.  Don’t give up.  There will be difficulties adjusting to living with each other—be gracious.  You come from different cultures so there will be differences in your views of things—be patient with each other. You will fight—make up quickly.  You will irritate each other with minor things—accept each other’s quirks.

When in doubt, choose grace and mercy.  Give each other lots of affection.  Stay grounded in your faith together—make time for God together and alone. The traditions you want to have with your children—start them now.  Never be so busy you don’t have time for each other every day.  Talk!  Your love has just begun—keep growing and nurturing that love.

May God bless you as you honour him.  May you be joyful and at peace—with God, with each other and with your selves. 

We love you much.  Never give up!

Love,

Mom and Dad.